I wasn’t sure how long it would take me to connect to her so I decided I would call her each day this week once or twice. That was a good strategy as the first two calls went to voicemail. I generally call from a random conference room so that my name does not pop up on her phone. In case she is with H.
Then I happened to be in my bosses office because I needed to make a private call to HR. My boss is traveling this week. On a whim I decided to try Meredith again. Bad idea. I failed to put together than Meredith would have my boss’s office phone in her list. She answered right away, but her husband was with her! I asked if it was a bad time and she said yes and hung up. Shit.
About 90 minutes later she called back. We only had 15 minutes. She could not meet me under any circumstances right now. She is in therapy with a sex counselor with her husband. The are making progress, and she feels entirely too guilty to meet me. I understand.
She is also figuring some important things out about herself. I think she is recognizing flaws in herself she did not see before. She is very confused about everything right now. She still loves me and misses me but can’t have me in her life right now. Maybe never. She didn’t say that, but… on the other hand she was sure to tell me that they did not buy a house or get pregnant. Two things she would not do with him until she was sure of her future.
Either way that makes it easy. I told her that I cannot do anymore checkin periods. It’s too hard staying in limbo. She cannot see me or talk to me without going all the way. Therefore it’s over.
I can move forward now with no hope of anything hanging in the future. She is out of my life as of that phone call. I’m going to let this settle for the rest of the week, but things have been so stressful the last few months not knowing. It feels like a weight has lifted. I’m terrified at the same time.