As many people have noted communication is key in a marriage, and specifically will be the key to me moving forward with my wife. I’m fully aware of that, and intend to be very open with my wife about what I want for our marriage. I want her to be open with me as well. Also this communication needs to be ongoing, a normal everyday part of our lives so we do not get into this situation again.
My instinct is to run home and start today. But I cannot. It takes two in a relationship, and I’m only one. My wife is not capable of having the conversations we need to have at this time. I started talking to her many months ago, and she admitted as such to me. We agreed to move more slowly, and hit a couple milestones first. One, get her setup with a good counselor so she has someone to talk to about all this. Two, get more sleep so we are not as easily upset. Both are starting to come together. I would suspect we are a month away or so.
There is another aspect. I do not remember the names for this, but most people have a range of emotions to negative news that fall within a sine wave pattern. Ups and downs but they stay within a normal range. My wife does not. Her reactions quickly jump way above or below normal. She knows this, I know this, but her counselor explained it to her in much more detailed terms. They have begun to work on why that happens and how to address it. Her reactions make our ability to discuss tough things nearly impossible today.
Whenever I had previously tried to discuss something difficult or even just ideas that she found unpleasant she would react in one of two ways. One, severe depression as if her entire world was crashing down. Often only at the introduction of such a topic, let alone actually discussing it. Two, anger and confrontation. She would lash out with visceral reactions rather than engage in a meaningful conversation. Both of those reactions shut down any attempts at really discussing our underlying issues.
I’m a very patient person and have been willing to give her time and space to cool down. I don’t yell or scream in an argument. I simply let it die until such time as we can discuss civily. Unfortunately I keep waiting for that time. Perhaps in the future we will be able to discuss in detail without those strong reactions. I am being patient and biding my time until she is ready. I cannot wait forever but I can wait for now.