Communication

As many people have noted communication is key in a marriage, and specifically will be the key to me moving forward with my wife. I’m fully aware of that, and intend to be very open with my wife about what I want for our marriage. I want her to be open with me as well. Also this communication needs to be ongoing, a normal everyday part of our lives so we do not get into this situation again. 

My instinct is to run home and start today. But I cannot. It takes two in a relationship, and I’m only one. My wife is not capable of having the conversations we need to have at this time. I started talking to her many months ago, and she admitted as such to me. We agreed to move more slowly, and hit a couple milestones first. One, get her setup with a good counselor so she has someone to talk to about all this. Two, get more sleep so we are not as easily upset. Both are starting to come together. I would suspect we are a month away or so. 

There is another aspect. I do not remember the names for this, but most people have a range of emotions to negative news that fall within a sine wave pattern. Ups and downs but they stay within a normal range. My wife does not. Her reactions quickly jump way above or below normal. She knows this, I know this, but her counselor explained it to her in much more detailed terms. They have begun to work on why that happens and how to address it. Her reactions make our ability to discuss tough things nearly impossible today. 

Whenever I had previously tried to discuss something difficult or even just ideas that she found unpleasant she would react in one of two ways. One, severe depression as if her entire world was crashing down. Often only at the introduction of such a topic, let alone actually discussing it. Two, anger and confrontation. She would lash out with visceral reactions rather than engage in a meaningful conversation. Both of those reactions shut down any attempts at really discussing our underlying issues. 

I’m a very patient person and have been willing to give her time and space to cool down. I don’t yell or scream in an argument. I simply let it die until such time as we can discuss civily. Unfortunately I keep waiting for that time.  Perhaps in the future we will be able to discuss in detail without those strong reactions. I am being patient and biding my time until she is ready. I cannot wait forever but I can wait for now. 

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19 thoughts on “Communication

  1. You are definitely patient. I don’t know how you do it. Do you think that’s what makes you such a good dominant? It’s a struggle right now to find a man who will dominant me. Most want me to make the first move but i’m naturally a submissive.

    It seems to me that unless your wife is willing to change how she reacts or thinks, nothing will change. Is she even willing to work on things? Does she admit that some of your marriage troubles are her fault?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have no idea about your dominant questions. I only know it works for me. That is a funny predicament you find yourself in where they want you to make the first move.

      Somewhere there will need to be change. I do believe she is willing to work on things. I think she has already starred. I don’t know where she thinks the troubles lie in our marriage, but I know that in her eyes it is not as troubled as in mine. And I’m not free of blame here either. Actually I don’t want it to be about blame. I want us to focus on our futures and do what is best for our shared futures. She will always be a part of my life.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I was wondering, have you made a list of the things you do like about your relationship and your wife? Communicate doesn’t mean bad, it means talk …

    Perhaps you could start with a conversation about what you really appreciate and get the ball rolling that way. I’m not saying you haven’t, I’m just offering a different perspective …. start off on a good note. Why not? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes I have. But the conversation never works that way with her. She knows the other shoe is going to drop and just focuses on that. It’s really frustrating. Most of the things I really like I will just say in the course of the day and then it is natural and not a problem. But you can’t really do that with some of the more difficult or bad things. Therefore she sees it coming no matter how I package it. Sometimes she sees it coming even when I’m NOT going there. She has a habit of not answering my questions, but instead making two or three leaps ahead to assume what I’m really asking and answering that question. Of course all her leaps turn me into an asshole so I end up defending myself for things I never said or thought. Hence the counseling on both sides. I need to learn different ways of reaching her, and she needs to relax and be able to hear me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think this round of communication is going to be pretty different from what you’re describing, in that…to rephrase your words…you actually will be the asshole and you won’t really be in a position to defend yourself, in light of your affair. Any worst case scenario your wife has is probably already true tenfold. Have you thought about how you might handle that, and/or how the dynamic will be necessarily different this time?

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      2. I understand your frustrations there, my husband used to do the same thing.

        I started by simply talking about the good things and when He went to something else I would simply stop and wait, patiently for Him to be done and I would start again. Sometimes I just had to let Him finish and then say ‘no that’s not what I was going to say’, and start again.

        Not that my situation is anything like your so I am not claiming any answers here but I do know that with time and perseverance He did eventually start catching Himself before He jumped to conclusions and now I really never get cut off, or He jump ahead.

        As you know I also write everything out for Him, so He gets to see it all and read it all before He even has to deal with me. He gets to see that there is no big bad boogieman at the end of the story so it helps.

        I had to put my ideas and methods aside and found a way that we both got to where we needed to be, hopefully you can both get there too with the help you are getting from counselling.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I am reading a book of fiction and came across exactly why I think you need to make some decisions. “Secrets do that-they split reality into two parts, one for those who know the secret, and one for those who don’t”. I changed the tense but otherwise this the quote.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Can I ask you something pretty direct and real? Why do you want to do all this with your wife if you don’t love her like a husband should?

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    1. There is no such thing as a perfect love, especially on this earth. Asking a loaded question like that is tainted, especially considering your comments on this blog.

      How about this for a question- Ray, are you a man or a woman? And are you married to a man or a woman? You talk in circles never revealing anything personal and you don’t even have your own blog. Yet, your responses are superfluous to any discussion here. Seems like you are hiding far more than Patient Man is…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Wow, what happened here? Were you upset by this question? Did you not know I’m paraphrasing from one of Mr. Patience’s posts?

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  5. Regarding your questioning about my gender: my use of nongendered phrasing is 100% intentional. I am participating in pronoun solidarity for transgendered and intersex persons facing revocations of various in-school protections and “bathroom bans.” I have encountered a disappointing abundance of assumptions and pushback in the short span of time I’ve engaged in this solidarity action, and was saddened to witness some pretty aggressive bias and entitlement in your response. Why did you not respect my obvious pronoun choice, and why do you feel that knowing if I’m a man or a woman is important for you?

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    1. Oh puhleeze! This is an anonymous blog. No one gives a rats ass who you really are, let alone what gender you are. You have no skin in the game here because you haven’t revealed anything about yourself, nor do you have a blog. This blog is about Patient Man’s journey from the ending of his affair- NOT transgendered and intersex persons. If that is your passion, then go troll blogs covering that content and leave the poor man alone. Enough already!

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      1. You ask about my gender like it’s important, then say in your next comment that nobody cares and it isn’t important at all. You say I have no skin in the game because I haven’t revealed anything about myself, but also say no one gives a rat’s ass who I really am. I’m finding your expectations to be a bit confusing here.

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  6. I have a group of close friends and I have noticed that we all tell each other what to do. I also noticed that none of us do anything the others tell us. Human beings have a long time maturing but once we are grown we are pretty much who we are going to be forever. Sad people stay sad. Happy people stay happy. Sensitive people get their feelings hurt over things others might shrug at. Some people anger easily. Others are laid back. None of us know you or your wife. We know you had an affair with a family friend and fell in love. We know your sexual interests are different than your wife’s. That is all we know, so for us to assume that you and she meet some sort of template for a husband and a wife is ridiculous. We might make a million suggestions but who are we to try to interfere in something so personal. Your marriage will last or it won’t. Only you and she can decide that.
    I do know one thing. There is no perfect marriage. Actually, no relationship is, so you might trade one for the other and in a couple of years say, “Ooops!”

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