I just had a crazy realization while brushing my teeth. If it were not for the hope of Meredith in my future I would already be looking for someone else.

In other words the thought of Meredith saying to me “It’s over. I’m staying with my husband.” Would cause me not to run back to my wife, but to continue the hunt. As if I were single again. That’s how I feel.

My marriage is just not working for me. Better get that counseling booked!


9 thoughts on “Realization 

  1. Really dig in deep to figure out why. I know your sex preferences are strong and a key to your happiness but divorce is a bitch and so difficult for children. Maybe I haven’t read enough, but do you know what your wife desires sexually? I would almost believe your wife could be eased into enjoying the type of sexual interaction you need as long as you’re meeting her with hers too. It’s a whole lot of give and take and your children didn’t ask for their worlds to be turned upside down because your sexual needs aren’t being met…yes I know it’s more than that. It is what stands out the strongest. Or consider making the best of what you have until they’re 18. Put all the energy you’re putting outside of your marriage back into it. Give you wife a little time to work on herself. Change doesn’t happen overnight.
    I’m saying this with kindness and I’m not trying to put you down. I just see the hurt my children feel everyday from their daddy being gone. People say children are resilient but I call bullshit on that statement. They don’t have choices and they have to learn how to deal. It always pops back up in adulthood. No joke. It always scars them.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your response. Sexual preferences are a big part of it as they are in every romantic relationship. It’s the one thing you really can’t have outside of a marriage. I could always hire a life coach or house cleaners, but I can’t hire a prostitute.

      As far as my wife’s desires they are basically nothing. I’ve asked her numerous times over the years. Essentially she has sex because I want sex and she thinks it’s what we should do as a married couple. She has no fantasies. I’m not sure she even enjoys sex. She could probably live the remainder of her life sexless and be perfectly content. Oh, and she has serious reservations about nearly all the things I want to do. Serious reservations.

      I don’t relish the idea of divorce either. Especially with kids. I think about them constantly, and like you said they didn’t ask for this. But I need to make a decision before 18 years has gone by. I haven’t even been married 18 years, there is no way I could make it another 18 the way things are going.

      There seems to be a thought that I haven’t been devoted to my marriage and simply turning my energy into it will fix it. To the contrary I’ve been pouring myself into our marriage for years. I’ve sacrificed much more than my wife has to make sure our marriage was good. It’s only recently that I’ve stopped to look up and see that it has gotten me exactly to where I am today. Not ideal. And with me not making all the effort you can see where it breaks down more clearly.

      My wife is working on herself, and I am giving her time to do so. If anything I’ll do that for my children. I really appreciate your kind words, and wisdom from your own experiences. I will take them into consideration. I plan on digging deep with the help of a therapist, and we will see where that takes us. Thanks!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. You run an anonymous blog containing no identifying personal details about your undisclosed marital infidelity with an also married girlfriend you met at your workplace, but you find it difficult to respond to my comments because you don’t feel you know enough about me as a person?

    Are you suggesting that you would like to exchange real stories and personal information with radical honesty, or are you asking to cautiously share some censored experiences that avoid any hints of disclosing identity?

    Your girlfriend was absolutely right. You really are an enigma.


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