Yesterday I did a consult with a therapist. It was an interesting experience. I’m not quite sure what to think. He was a bit of a strange bird but not too far out there. Eccentric. Maybe they all are. Or maybe all the ones that can help me are.
I wasn’t looking for a general Christian counselor who wants to talk about love and sacrifice. I was looking for a sex positive counselor who would understand some of the underlying needs and desires I struggle with without me having to explain it. He definitely understood!
Either way it was quite amazing to tell someone my story live and in person. It was also very hard to do. Harder than I expected. My brain just wants to tell everyone the right answer, but I must tell the truth here. For me.
Anyway he recommended a couple of other people for me to check out. One looked very promising and is very close. I’m going to meet with him as well.
I’m really hoping to get some resolutions out of this. It will be a long haul and a lot of work for sure, but having someone to talk with is quite helpful.
Oh one things noted during our brief discussion. He said “It sounds like you and your wife have a DO relationship and you and Meredith have a BE relationship.” Think about that. I did for the rest of the afternoon and concluded that he was dead on right. The DO relationship is very functional but not very satisfying. What I’m craving is the BE relationship. DO meaning we work well and are a very task oriented, schedule based couple. Where a Be is able to just be together and enjoy that time. Even just sitting and talking for hours. Wife and I don’t talk for hours. All of our conversations are about doing something.
He also noted that what wife is asking me to do is very difficult. To be in a monogamous relationship where she isn’t able to fulfill my needs. He asked if she was willing to try an open relationship or let me fulfill my need somewhere else. She is decidedly NOT for that. He said there are a lot of benefits to open relationships. I smiled. Couldn’t agree more, but it’s not going to happen.
As a follow up to Party Of One Wife ended up seeing her counselor yesterday as well. They are working through some big issues with her. It’s really nice to hear because no matter what happens with us this will make her healthier and I like that.
One of the big issues they are working on is how strongly she reacts to things. Hence the reason we cannot talk about hard things. She does not deal well with negative responses. With her mother she shuts down completely and won’t confront her, and with me she explodes. She had some worksheets that were kind of generic, but explained Wife well. It was humbling for her.
Ironically she had exploded at me just the night before so badly that I refused to talk to her in any capacity other than dealing with our children for the next several hours. She said having such a clear and recent example while she was in counseling made it very clear to her. She felt horrible afterward but was unable to stop herself at the time.