LTW: Party of One

In preparation for discussions with my wife I’m going to write her some letters (“Letters To Wife”) here to help organize my thoughts in a way that I can communicate to her. I have not sent these to her, but perhaps in the future I will. 

****

Dear Wife,

Last night we had a guest over for dinner. Your friend Mary. It was nice to visit, and catch up with her. I know she enjoyed seeing the kids, too. 

However I wanted to let you know how you made me feel while our guest was with us. Invisible. I know you didn’t do it intentionally, but it happened nonetheless.

From the moment Mary arrived you started talking to her very quickly and with lots of excited animation. I understand that she is one of your best friends, and honestly I wouldn’t mind except this pattern happens quite frequently with us and a variety of visitors. It is as if you stop paying attention to me and the kids. We already struggle with the feeling of coming in second place with your job. We shouldn’t also disappear during social situations. It’s very upsetting. I was visibly upset, but you never saw it.

You may not have noticed that I was with you for dinner because I was hardly able to speak until the very end. I was at the table with you. I had things to say on several of the stories discussed, but there were no gaps, no pauses for someone to add content. No acknowledgement of my existence.

I was also watching our children. Playing with our daughter so that she wouldn’t feel neglected. Yes neglected. I don’t think you see it at all, but when you are in an excited conversation with someone you end up neglecting our daughter. Thankfully I was there, but what if I wasn’t? I know you are going to argue with me on this point. Claim you were there watching her the whole time. It’s bullshit. She could’ve gotten away with murder had I not been there. Your attention is 110% on your guest until something forces you to divide it (like your daughter falling off a box).

I also know from experience that you will go through each of my points and attempt to prove me wrong on this one very specific night. But it’s not just this one night. It happens nearly anytime we have guests or are guests. Your children and I drop out of your focus. It becomes increasingly hard for me to communicate with you as your spouse. There are no subtle signals I can give you as to what’s going on because you’re not paying any attention to me. As if I cease to exist. If I force your attention you often get upset that I was rude and interrupted you. Yes I did! Because I had been trying to get your attention for 20 minutes and you won’t fucking look at me!

Next you will ask what I think you should’ve done differently. I don’t know and I’m not prescribing anything. You can decide how you want to change or if you do. I’m telling you how your actions made me feel.

Love,

Your Husband

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20 thoughts on “LTW: Party of One

  1. Do you think feeling invisible to your wife contributed or drove you to have an affair? The way I see things from my third party perspective, is that Meredith treated you like a real person with feelings, values and life experiences. She appreciated and quite possibly, looked up to vs your wife who seems to take center stage while you are the male equivalent of a nanny and roommate. Respect is a huge thing for a man (anyone really, but even more so for a man). Your wife’s actions send a very strong message…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. In a way yes. But honestly I think Meredith and I could have stayed best friends only if we didn’t know about our shared sexual passions. I think we would’ve covered for our spouses and probably helped our marriages. As beautiful as she was it wasn’t until I found out her little secret that the affair truly began. But that is all hindsight. It’s impossible to know for sure. Either way it defiantly attributed to my desire to become good friends with Meredith. She was there for me as a true friend and supporter.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. So did you speak to Meredith about your dom desires and her sub desires prior to your actual affair starting? Or did that just organically happen once you two were together?

        CEO and I did our fair share of talking prior to meeting. And he was pretty explicit in what his fantasies were. Nothing crazy- but I definitely fulfilled his wishlists in spades.

        I can’t help but think your desire to be the leader, combined with your Type A wife is a recipe for disaster. But, like another blogger commented, who knows? You may find your wife likes to submit- finally let go- let someone else be the leader for once…and she just doesn’t realize it yet (not get how to let go). It’s certainly nice not having to think of anything. Not having to be the leader. She should try it…at least for a while. If she wants to save your marriage, she has to be in it, to win it.

        You have to be able to incorporate this side of you into your marriage. Or else, you will never feel fulfilled. There has to be some middle ground here. But I fear, your wife is so oblivious to your needs- that’s a tall order right now.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Well that’s a long story, but I already wrote it :). Read https://apatientman.wordpress.com/2016/11/23/timeline-with-mistress-pt-1/ And https://apatientman.wordpress.com/2016/11/26/timeline-with-mistress-pt-2/

        Yes I’m very worried about my marriage, but I’m working on it. Saw a counselor yesterday. I know what you are saying about letting down her guard but frankly I don’t think she can. She doesn’t get a lot of the big concepts around being submissive and she constantly fails the little things on those rare occasions she has tried things at my behest. It’s a foreign language or culture.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. One word of advice, advice that may or may not be correct — tell her or read the letters to her. I am going through my files and closet right now, preparing for my divorce. I found a letter Saturday, written by my wife in a way that felt like she was afraid of the confrontation, aware of the judgemental tone. I hated reading it, hated the bitterness reading the letter again dredged up.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks. I have lived this bit of advice. Written words are remembered more than spoken words, so sweetness is good to write but bitterness doesn’t need to live on. I burned one of the letters from my wife that I found the other day. It’s not what I want to remember about her.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Hmmm… this is a battle I might choose not to fight. My husband is utterly horrid when we have guests or family over. If MY friends or family he stays in his office, completely ignores us. He has sat out thanksgiving dinners, birthday parties, etc holed up in his office.

    However if it’s HIS family they hole up in his office together like the rest of us don’t exist!

    Whatever. I don’t bother him about it anymore.

    Maybe she should socialize primarily outside the house without the kids around?

    I’m not belittling what you’re experiencing, I know it sucks, but between socializing and sex, I’ll choose sex as the more serious battle.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Patience. Patience is key. I do agree that the sex battle is super important, but I can’t tell you how awful it makes me feel when she ignores me and the kids. An opportunity just presented itself about an hour ago though :). She was talking about things she had gone over with her counselor and this kind of fit in the theme so I brought it up. Guess what? She had no idea and felt horrible. But she could totally see it after what she had gone through with her counselor. She owned it. Not that she will necessarily be able to change who she is but it is another thing she can work on.

      I’m having a hard time understanding your husband. What an asshole! Sitting out key family events sitting alone in his office. I would have even less patience for that.

      His whole family is apparently that way too. Really strange. I think my parents would rather hang out with my wife than me.

      And I think your body has already spoken on which is more important to you. It’s what makes your blog such an interesting read. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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