In preparation for discussions with my wife I’m going to write her some letters (“Letters To Wife”) here to help organize my thoughts in a way that I can communicate to her. I have not sent these to her, but perhaps in the future I will.
Here is something that has been eating at me for a long time that I’ve struggled to find the words to describe, and I’m still not sure I have. In my marriage I want and need to be the strong alpha leader. It’s something that has always been a part of me. To be the man. Strong and considerate. Bold and thoughtful. Quiet and steadfast. Like a modern classical cowboy. To be the man of the house in a very original sense. To be the dominant partner.
This doesn’t mean that I want to be some kind of asshole bossing you around. To be a real man requires listening to and taking care of you. It requires making you feel loved and at home when with me. It should make you want to have me as your dominant man because it elevates you; comforts you; allows you to leave the stress of the world when you are in my arms. It means letting me lead our family, including you. As you know, when given a chance I take excellent care of you.
For whatever reason it appears to be difficult for you to let me be that person. I don’t know if it’s lack of trust. I don’t know if it’s lack of control. There is something that keeps you from letting me take that role, and I’m not going to fight you for it. Maybe it is just how our dynamic is. Maybe it has an historical component to it. If so, I have grown as a husband and a man, and you cannot compare me to who I was at 19.
Essentially what I’m asking for is to change our roles in the matter of respect. It would not appear too much different from today. I currently do not get the respect from you to be the leader of our family. You continually wrestle control back into your hands whether you do it consciously or not. The respect I get is more of a coworker type of respect. Sometimes employee, but never as your alpha husband.
Over time this equality relationship seems to have become more of our norm. Perhaps as your career took off you grew increasingly confident and more likely to take charge. To act independently within our marriage. Perhaps over time you lost respect for me to do the things to lead our family. I hope it’s not the latter but that’s up to you. It could be that with the changes in your life that you do not need or desire to have an alpha husband. It may also be related to your lower sex drive.
I’ve noticed this problem pops up in lots of places within our marriage including sex. The one place where, as a man, I really crave and need to be in charge, you make that a nearly impossible task. You constantly push against me in all kinds of ways leading up to and during sex. I’m not sure you’re even aware of it all. The sex component bleeds into our other activities as well by lowering my ego and willingness to take charge. You set a standard in our most intense moment of forcing your husband into a beta role.
Am I asking you to change? No. No I’m not. I’m asking you to know me. To know what I need. Without this I feel empty inside. Going through the motions and unfulfilled. It would be wonderful if you could support me to be the alpha I am and want to be for our family. But if not then we should acknowledge that too. Maybe we are best as roommates raising children together.
You also may be thinking it is hard for me to have a wife who makes more money than me. It’s not. I would love nothing more than to retire early and take care of you while working on my more artistic endeavors. However as that dream has come closer, and I realize how much I am missing in our relationship, it doesn’t seem like a good plan anymore. It doesn’t bother me that you are a doctor and making great money. What matters is how well you know me, respect me and understand me.
You may be thinking that a real alpha male would just force this upon you. No, that would be a real jackass. Trust me I am the real deal, but it requires a willingness to submit. Something I haven’t seen you desire. Should you show submissiveness you would quickly see how well I take the reigns and lead our family. How well I lead you. This is not something I can force on you, this is something we must agree to together, and then work to make happen.
I am a natural dominant. I have no training, but intense desire to fulfill that side of myself. It isn’t a set of actions that happen at scheduled times during the day. It is an all day and all night type of relationship. I require full submission. Only then can I take care of you, and drive our relationship. It is a thought process rather than a set of actions.
Let me give you an example. What I want is for you to want things. I could make you do things, but I cannot make you want to do them. I want you to want me to brand my name right onto your skin. I want the thought of that when reading this sentence right now to make your heart race, your breathing heavy, and your sexual desire shoot up. If I know you, and I think I do, that is not how you reacted, but rather you had fear and disgust. That’s ok. I understand. I’m trying to help you understand what I need. I need a want not an action.
I acknowledge this could be something you don’t want. It may be against all you’ve been working toward. Perhaps you enjoy the equality and even the alpha female role you’ve begun to establish. That would not be good for our marriage, but if it is true then we should look at that too. Maybe we aren’t right for each other.
Again, I don’t have any answers. All I have are things for us to consider. We need to look at our lives and make some tough decisions as a couple on how we want to move forward.