In preparation for discussions with my wife I’m going to write her some letters (“Letters To Wife”) here to help organize my thoughts in a way that I can communicate to her. I have not sent these to her, but perhaps in the future I will.
Here is a quote I heard somewhere:
Everything in the world is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.
That quote applies well to our relationship. Everything in our relationship hinges on sex. It is the glue that holds us together as a romantic couple. It is what separates us from just being great roommates and friends. The intimate moments that we share help us to come together when the struggles of the day are done. For all the joys in our day we can celebrate with a union of our bodies.
When I think about our relationship there are many core ways that we support each other and work together. Each of those are strengthened by a strong intimate connection. Cooking dinner; coordinating schedules; taking care of the kids; taking care of each other; planning future events; enjoying down time; taking time to excercise; our jobs; learning new skills; nearly everything we do together or alone is impacted by the quality of our sex life. Without it our relationship is strained, and those activities are impacted.
Our emotional and mental connection is what keeps us interested and ready for sex. The more we can stay focused on each other; clued in on each other; anticipating our partner the more we can keep our attraction front and center in our relationship. The attraction starts in the mind well before the bodies touch. Our bodies are there simply to play out a dance that is being performed in our minds.
There are also times when we are emotional adversaries. When we argue our relationship is like a rubber band being stretched. Sex often acts to pull us back together. The stronger we can bond physically the easier we can deal with the tough times.
Emotionally what I really crave is to be understood. It’s very important to me. We have been together for nearly two decades yet I spend much of my life in my own head without you. In reality you only know part of me. What I’ve come to realize is that you don’t understand me very deeply which is impacting our emotional connection. I know this is hard to hear and I’m sorry to have to tell you. Unfortunately we think differently. I need someone who can explore my mind and the ideas in my head with me. Whereas you seem to expect me to lay it all out unprompted which is how you work. I need someone who knows the real me, and doesn’t get defensive everyday for me being me.
Because my emotional needs are not being met it makes sex difficult for me. I know that you have noticed the struggles I’ve had through the years with our sex life. The emotional connection supports the physical connection and vice versa.
Speaking of physical connection I want you to know that you are physically very beautiful. Your smile, your shoulders, your waist, that sweet ass – you are a very beautiful woman and I have always appreciated your beauty. I’ve also appreciated your willingness to work at maintaining your beauty. Even with two kids you work hard to stay in good shape. There are times when your beauty alone is enough for me, but more often I’m frustrated with myself that it is not.
Sex, though, is about power. For some of us the power dynamic is extremely important. As a dominant man I crave a strong power exchange relationship. In order to pacify my calm presence during the day I need complete control at night. I need a fully and completely submissive woman. One who enjoys the same power dynamic. Not just for the time between the sheets, but for all the times we are together that lead to time between the sheets. It is one long arc of sexual tension and power dynamic that leads to ultimate fulfillment.
I realize that you do not have this same craving for a power exchange. Honestly I don’t know what to do now. I don’t have any answers. I spoke above about sex being the dance of our minds. When I think of our sex life we are not performing the same dance. Our minds are not forming the emotional bond necessary for great sex. We are just too different in our desires.
Our failure in this one realm, though small, filters out into the rest of our relationship. The fact that we cannot get our sex life to connect the way we need has ramifications on how we communicate; on how we spend time together; on our parenting; on our emotional support for each other; on many other aspects of our relationship. Sex is the glue, and our glue is not strong.
My love, I’m not going to end with anything prescriptive. I know you are hoping I will. I’m writing to give you insight into my mind. To let you know know first hand what I am struggling with as we never seem to be able to have this conversation in person. I don’t know if there is a happy ending here for us, but I do know that I love you and want to work on figuring it out with you.