The Next Right Move

What is the next right move? When things get tough it can be overwhelming to consider all that has to be done. All you really need to do is figure out what the next right move is and do it. Then repeat that process. 

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From February through May of last year I had a physical affair with a woman who worked for me. From December of the year prior though to today I’ve been in an emotional affair with the same woman. I can tell you when I put my goals together for 2016 they surely didn’t say “Put your entire life at risk to bang your hot employee in the conference room.” No it did not. Yet it happened anyway. I suppose I flew too close to the sun. 

The physical affair is over. Done. Gone. Has been for over seven months. I am still in love with her. Not much I can do about that right now. Feelings are hard to start and stop on a whim. 

My marriage had problems and still has problems, and I’d really like to address them now. However, I keep reading posts about how addressing the problems in the marriage after there has been an affair is worthless and shameful. I know that it was wrong. Trust me I do. But what now? If I want to address my marriage but I can’t do it after there has been an affair then what now? Nothing? 

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27 thoughts on “The Next Right Move

  1. Don’t listen to what other people say, if you want to work on your marriage, they by God, work on your marriage. In this world, the only thing that we have to depend on is ourselves, so do what is right for you, not what someone online says is the right or wrong thing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Very true. In fact if you want to know what to do, do not ever tell your wife about the affair! If you want to work on the issues between her and you then do so. But telling her about the affair will send you backwards like you can’t imagine, plus, she will treat you like the spawn of satan (even more so than she does now) and will blame you for everything under the sun.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “All you really need to do is figure out what the next right move is and do it. Then repeat that process” I really needed to hear this today. It is so easy to worry about next month, year, decade etc. I need to just keep doing the right thing NOW and believe the future will unfold as it should.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You can’t change your marriage after your affair but with some help you wife may be able to. Regardless of what you’ve done relationships don’t work in absolutes and are always (or normally) worth working for. It seems there’s some underlying issues with your commitment to her success verses her commitment to yours. Have you tried introducing your extra curricular interest to her in terms of give and take? You’ve given, now it’s her turn.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah I need to learn how to do that so she understands. I have tried in the past but she has this intricate point system in her head that means I need to give more – as if I haven’t already. But she’s looking at actions not hopes and dreams. It’s really complicated. I will try and see where it goes. If it continues to lead to anger on her side then maybe that’s the sign I need.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My $0.02…as I’ve probably previously indicated…you and your wife can’t make positive changes to your relationship *together* until you learn to communicate with one another, meaning that the intended message is transmitted, received and *understood* by the other party. It sounds like neither of you understand the other, let alone motivations and needs. I personally consider communication the foundation of every relationship, so if you want to try, I’d suggest starting there. Tell your wife you want to be able to communicate more effectively with her. See if she is willing to work with you toward that end.

        As always, best of luck to you!
        LG

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You completely nailed it. I need to find a way to tell her tough things and she needs to be willing to hear and understand them. Plus she needs to be able to tell me things without feeling like I should read her mind. Our communication isn’t good. We are so different. Night and day it seems. Our words cross meaning in the air. This is my goal this year. See what comes of it.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. It always seems like you’re the one who would be willing to change while she wouldn’t. She wants you to serve her needs while who the fuck cares about yours. Just my two cents on how I think she feels about what you want vs what she wants. It can’t go back the way it was but if you really want the marriage to work it’s worth fighting for.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No it can’t go back to what it was. I’ll put in the effort this year to see what we can make of it. I agree with you about what she wants but it isn’t malicious I will tell you that. She just does it trying to maintain her own fairness scorecard that happens to be tilted in her favor.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. In my first marriage of 19 years I had numerous affairs. All sexual, not emotional. I was young and did not transit into a monogamous relationship at all well. I liked attention, and back then I was fortunate enough to attract young, beautiful people, similar to me!! My wife was very pretty but lacked emotional knowledge. We were negatively well suited to be honest. We just existed until, finally, we were old enough to make adult decisions. We divorced.
    My life now could it be more different. I am monochrome version of my former self. This was achieved by assessing my life, making a real difficult decision, and if I’m honest, being very lucky to find the woman I now love. Our life isn’t perfect, far from it. However, we have some things in common, not all, we have children and we have our great relationship.
    Assess your life and make a decision. Stop treading water because you’ll grow old and drown!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. You need to address the problems in the marriage. Be careful not to put those problems for the reason of your affair though. And even though the affair is over you really need to tell your wife. Everything needs to be put on the table to move forward. Good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You may be surprised. I’m sure my husband thought telling me about his affair was going to end our marriage. Mind you he was still in the affair when I found out and continued it for another 5 weeks. Talk about painful. I could’ve left, took him for everything, took our kids away and I’m sure that was what he thought I would do. I’m sure that was his fear in telling me everything. But here we are still together and still working on our marriage after 3 years. It’s a different marriage now, I love him dearly and can’t imagine my life without him, but I will say this…the innocent love and devotion I once had is gone. I will never trust him 100% again. He understands that. But that is the price he paid. You need to give your wife the chance to make her own decision based on the knowledge of what you brought into her marriage. You keeping that from her is keeping a huge secret that will eventually destroy your marriage that you’re trying to work on.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Statistically you are right. The numbers show that most marriages where there is an affair and it’s discovered do survive. It’s not an overwhelming number though. It’s very possible that she would want to work on it. I know in the past she has been very black and white about it, but I think should she find herself in one firsthand it would be different. But I don’t know that for sure.

        Also, and this sounds pretty bad I know, but if we don’t get very far on reconciliation then it would be nice to move on without her knowing about the affair. I think that would be better for her and the kids. Especially if I were to ever remarry my AP.

        Regardless I’m not going to make that decision right now. I’m going to go talk to a therapist to try to figure all this out. Then I can come up with some concrete steps to take. I really appreciate your concern and your example. I know what you went through was not easy.

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  7. Do what you feel right. I’m still married . You need to persevere. Nothing that’s worth a lot is easy . It’s damn hard but it’s worth it in the end. Lovers comes and go . A good wife will stay by your side.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Do you mean am I still Meredith’s boss? Or is this a question about my wife? Meredith does not work for me anymore. She left the company I work for in May, and moved to another city a couple hours away.

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  8. By not telling your wife about the affair and your longing for the other woman, you are taking away her right to leave you and to make any decisions about your relationship. Deception is powerful. It won’t make you the man you want to be and it won’t change your wife.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes I am. And also saving our family from utter disaster if we should manage to stay together. If we don’t then – well that would’ve been the course had I told her. I understand where you are coming from, but at this point right now it would do more harm than good. Deception can also be merciful.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. “Emotionally what I really crave is to be understood. It’s very important to me. We have been together for nearly two decades yet I spend much of my life in my own head without you. In reality you only know part of me. What I’ve come to realize is that you don’t understand me very deeply which is impacting our emotional connection.”
        — LTW: Sexual Relationship

        How do you expect her to know and understand you if you do not present her with accurate data?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. How so? I’ve been me for as long as I can remember and have never intentionally hid who I was. She sees the me she wants and does not try to find the whole me. She is able to live her whole life out where everyone can see, but I cannot do that. You have to come find things out. You have to work at it. She doesn’t work at it.

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