Meredith called on Friday. She had something on her mind, and I’m the only one she can talk to about it. It’s related to our sexual desires. She doesn’t even talk to her therapist about sex or about me. She probably should, but I know why she doesn’t. She’s had the same therapist for years, and it also happens to be the therapist other members of her family go to. Even though the therapist couldn’t share anything, I know Meredith still isn’t comfortable breaching her hidden sexual desires and her affair. It’s funny because I’m looking for a therapist to discuss those two items specifically!
Anyway, here is what happened. She was gone for a week on vacation with her parents and siblings. She took her child with her, and left H home due to Residency. I didn’t know she was going to be gone which made me sad. We speak so infrequently now I really don’t know what is going on in her life.
Since we slowed down our communication Meredith has replaced that time with books. Lots of books. She has a Kindle unlimited, and she is a very fast reader. While on her vacation she took the time to read many different books. Before the flight home she refreshed her Kindle, and noticed a new book show up she hadn’t ordered.
Meredith and H have a shared household account. Wife and I do as well. When you buy a book the other accounts will get a free copy. It’s a nice thing to do since purchasing a physical book would give my household access to it. This is the digital equivalent. That is how the mystery book showed up on her Kindle.
The book was something along the lines of “How to Train Your Sub”. I didn’t write down exactly what it was so don’t try to find it. It was in that vein anyway. She had not discussed this with H. She was not even prepared to. This happened while she was on vacation without him, which tells her he was working on a plan for her while she was gone. It made her very uneasy.
She doesn’t want him to be her Dom. He’s not good at it. He doesn’t understand it, and he has no sadist tendencies at all. To then see that he bought a book on how to train HER was a bit over the top. Her uneasiness turned to anger as she pondered everything on her trip home. She has spoken to him about this before. But remember in my post on H where I said he thinks he can do ANYTHING?! Well this is a great example. All he has to do is a read a book, and put it into practice. I won’t get into all the reasons that won’t work.
I understand where he is coming from, and I talked about that with Meredith. He sees his marriage faltering. She told him that she has this need that he can’t meet. He wants to make the marriage work so he’s going to figure out how to meet the need himself. It’s romantic if he were not so obtuse. He doesn’t even consider that he might not be capable which makes Meredith feel trapped. That is why she wanted to talk to me. To get that off her chest.
Meredith also took the time to tell me a little about the book. She did read it after all. All she could think about was me. Every word, every chapter. Much of what it discussed we have already covered at some level. I had to laugh though because although I hit nearly every mark in the book I never had to read a book to know how to be who I am. Maybe someday I will read it, just to get some of the finer details figured out. Meredith is always amazed at how I know just what to do with her with no training whatsoever. It’s just a feeling that I go with. I know how she works. H needs a manual.
Meredith did talk to him when she got home about the book. She was kind, but told him No. She wasn’t ok with him treating her that way. That was not going to be a part of their relationship. She said she broke down and cried quite a bit while telling him. She could see how much it hurt him. But she can’t get out of her mind that he doesn’t enjoy it or understand it. He wouldn’t know what the right next thing is or when to shut it down or ramp it up. She couldn’t trust him with the level of trust he would need to have. So she must stop it now. She said she is willing to talk with him about it only.
Side note about reading, I’ve always felt I am a fast reader myself. Wife, on the other hand, is very slow. She has mild dyslexia and has to read more carefully. Meredith reads much faster than even I do. It was strange for me to be the slow one.
Another day with Wife and another day where she treats me like I’m being an asshole when I’m not. I tell you, these things seem so petty individually, but they sure add up. I can tell you the weight that they put on me over time is enormous.
Today’s example she went to take a nap, and I said I would go downstairs and work in my shop. No problem right. Shouldn’t have anything to worry about. Yet I still lay out all I’m planning on doing so she doesn’t find a reason to get mad at me while I’m down there. It’s almost like when I’m doing something for me it builds an anger in her.
An hour later I’m wrapping up one of my projects and the door to the basement opens. She’s angry that I haven’t come upstairs, and I left her with a screaming child. WTF! She said we were going to go over our plans when she woke, and she had all this stuff to do and I’m still downstairs. Seriously?!
It’s this kind of Jekyll and Hyde crap that I can’t stand. How could she possible think I was doing anything malicious? I told her what I was doing to a T. If she needs me for something just come ask! I mean I can understand getting pissed if she came down and I said “not now I’m busy woman!” But I would never do that. She turns me into the his mean person in her head and then reacts to me from that perspective. Everyday. This was just today’s problem.
As usual I drop everything to come upstairs and make her feel better. But as I’ve mentioned before I’m not letting her get away with this shit anymore. This time I also let her know that what she did was wrong and spelled out exactly what I told her and what I did and how her reaction was uncalled for. She kind of understood.
Then she went to the store while I watched the kids. When she returned she had purchased a maple bar for me. She knows I love them and she wanted to apologize for what she did. It’s great that she apologizes. It really is, but when do we get to the part where you don’t knock your husband down everyday for imagined offenses? Or is it too late.