News from the Spouses

Meredith called on Friday. She had something on her mind, and I’m the only one she can talk to about it. It’s related to our sexual desires. She doesn’t even talk to her therapist about sex or about me. She probably should, but I know why she doesn’t. She’s had the same therapist for years, and it also happens to be the therapist other members of her family go to. Even though the therapist couldn’t share anything, I know Meredith still isn’t comfortable breaching her hidden sexual desires and her affair. It’s funny because I’m looking for a therapist to discuss those two items specifically!

Anyway, here is what happened. She was gone for a week on vacation with her parents and siblings. She took her child with her, and left H home due to Residency. I didn’t know she was going to be gone which made me sad. We speak so infrequently now I really don’t know what is going on in her life. 

Since we slowed down our communication Meredith has replaced that time with books. Lots of books. She has a Kindle unlimited, and she is a very fast reader. While on her vacation she took the time to read many different books. Before the flight home she refreshed her Kindle, and noticed a new book show up she hadn’t ordered. 

Meredith and H have a shared household account. Wife and I do as well. When you buy a book the other accounts will get a free copy. It’s a nice thing to do since purchasing a physical book would give my household access to it. This is the digital equivalent. That is how the mystery book showed up on her Kindle. 

The book was something along the lines of “How to Train Your Sub”. I didn’t write down exactly what it was so don’t try to find it. It was in that vein anyway. She had not discussed this with H. She was not even prepared to. This happened while she was on vacation without him, which tells her he was working on a plan for her while she was gone. It made her very uneasy. 

She doesn’t want him to be her Dom. He’s not good at it. He doesn’t understand it, and he has no sadist tendencies at all. To then see that he bought a book on how to train HER was a bit over the top. Her uneasiness turned to anger as she pondered everything on her trip home. She has spoken to him about this before. But remember in my post on H where I said he thinks he can do ANYTHING?! Well this is a great example. All he has to do is a read a book, and put it into practice. I won’t get into all the reasons that won’t work. 

I understand where he is coming from, and I talked about that with Meredith. He sees his marriage faltering. She told him that she has this need that he can’t meet. He wants to make the marriage work so he’s going to figure out how to meet the need himself. It’s romantic if he were not so obtuse. He doesn’t even consider that he might not be capable which makes Meredith feel trapped. That is why she wanted to talk to me. To get that off her chest. 

Meredith also took the time to tell me a little about the book. She did read it after all. All she could think about was me. Every word, every chapter. Much of what it discussed we have already covered at some level. I had to laugh though because although I hit nearly every mark in the book I never had to read a book to know how to be who I am. Maybe someday I will read it, just to get some of the finer details figured out. Meredith is always amazed at how I know just what to do with her with no training whatsoever. It’s just a feeling that I go with. I know how she works. H needs a manual. 

Meredith did talk to him when she got home about the book. She was kind, but told him No. She wasn’t ok with him treating her that way. That was not going to be a part of their relationship. She said she broke down and cried quite a bit while telling him. She could see how much it hurt him. But she can’t get out of her mind that he doesn’t enjoy it or understand it. He wouldn’t know what the right next thing is or when to shut it down or ramp it up. She couldn’t trust him with the level of trust he would need to have. So she must stop it now. She said she is willing to talk with him about it only. 

Side note about reading, I’ve always felt I am a fast reader myself. Wife, on the other hand, is very slow. She has mild dyslexia and has to read more carefully. Meredith reads much faster than even I do. It was strange for me to be the slow one. 

*

Another day with Wife and another day where she treats me like I’m being an asshole when I’m not. I tell you, these things seem so petty individually, but they sure add up. I can tell you the weight that they put on me over time is enormous. 

Today’s example she went to take a nap, and I said I would go downstairs and work in my shop. No problem right. Shouldn’t have anything to worry about. Yet I still lay out all I’m planning on doing so she doesn’t find a reason to get mad at me while I’m down there. It’s almost like when I’m doing something for me it builds an anger in her. 

An hour later I’m wrapping up one of my projects and the door to the basement opens. She’s angry that I haven’t come upstairs, and I left her with a screaming child. WTF! She said we were going to go over our plans when she woke, and she had all this stuff to do and I’m still downstairs. Seriously?! 

It’s this kind of Jekyll and Hyde crap that I can’t stand. How could she possible think I was doing anything malicious? I told her what I was doing to a T. If she needs me for something just come ask! I mean I can understand getting pissed if she came down and I said “not now I’m busy woman!” But I would never do that. She turns me into the his mean person in her head and then reacts to me from that perspective. Everyday. This was just today’s problem. 

As usual I drop everything to come upstairs and make her feel better. But as I’ve mentioned before I’m not letting her get away with this shit anymore. This time I also let her know that what she did was wrong and spelled out exactly what I told her and what I did and how her reaction was uncalled for. She kind of understood. 

Then she went to the store while I watched the kids. When she returned she had purchased a maple bar for me. She knows I love them and she wanted to apologize for what she did. It’s great that she apologizes. It really is, but when do we get to the part where you don’t knock your husband down everyday for imagined offenses? Or is it too late. 

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23 thoughts on “News from the Spouses

  1. There is not a single outcome of this mess that is going to work. If you decide to separate and Meredith doesn’t you are then co-parenting and looking for affairs on line. If Meredith leaves and you two get together it becomes a double slap for your wife and her husband. Those two will do fine financially. They can support themselves and the children. The final insult is that you and Meredith will get spousal support unless you marry.
    Have you ever just been kind but firm? Some people are just irritable. Things get on their nerves easily. I have one child who was born that way and is still that way. I have another who is laid back. Those are their basic personalities. If you cannot tolerate living with her personality then deal with it. Talk about it. I guarantee you get on hers. Life is not a fairy tale. It often stinks.
    Although sex with Meredith sounds like your dream life you are still going to be working, being a parent, paying bills, getting sick, mowing the grass.
    I know absolutely nothing about the world you hope to live in but unless you get a large inheritance or win the lottery real life is going to show up.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hmm. Hadn’t thought of that. Spousal support. I wouldn’t want that force them to do that. It seems wrong.

      Kind but firm. Yes. That is what I have been doing for the last year. It really isn’t that I can’t do it. It’s that it completely drains me. The one person who should know me best gets me and my intensions wrong everyday. That hurts. That’s deep. Maybe things do get on her nerves easily. That is who she is. The way she deals with it doesn’t work for me. It’s nearly debilitating for me on many days. But talking about it isn’t easy. She doesn’t see the problem. It was just this one thing today. No big deal. But it was a big deal to me. We think so differently we have trouble communicating about how her actions affect me. She gets frustrated because she doesn’t understand what I’m talking about.

      Do I get on her nerves? Oh yeah. Continually. I know this. We talk about that all the time. There are things we can change and things we can’t about who we are. It’s ok. That’s life. Wife cannot see me for who I am. After this many years I think it’s time to deal with that as the problem it is. Irreversible.

      You know being with Meredith is about more than sex. All those things you mention I also look forward to with her. She understands and is very encouraging is the type of work I do. She has taught me how to be a better parent many many times. I love parenting with her and miss our parenting chats terribly. Building systems for bill paying and house maintenance with someone who doesn’t snap at me each time sounds wonderful. All of it sounds wonderful because of the many reasons that Meredith and I get along. In fact I may write a post about that.

      Real life will throw some curve balls in for sure. Real life already has ๐Ÿ™‚

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    1. Interesting question. I do actually. I love her, I like her, and I admire her. I’m just not in love with her. I’ve often thought lately that if I had first married Meredith and then found Wife, how I would want to be friends with her but not have sex. It’s funny how that is. The relationship I thought I was after with Meredith (at first) I could have totally had with Wife! A greet friendship only.

      But loving and liking someone does not mean that you want to stay married to them. There is more to it than that.

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      1. A question for you…I’ve read as you’ve discussed different ideas about what the future could look like for you, with your wife, with Meredith, things you could look forward to and challenges you would likely face. What I haven’t read is, out of these many scenarios, in which do you like and respect yourself and your choices? I truly do understand not wanting to hurt your spouse, someone you like, love and admire. However, if she also cares for you, wouldn’t it hurt her to know that you’re not able to like YOURSELF in the circumstances you are in (including, of course, the state of your marriage)? Just a thought.

        Best,
        LG

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Awesome! The feedback I’ve been getting today is top notch. I have much to think about.

        Yes! Is the answer. I need to write about this too. Short answer. When I first brought up just an inkling of this to her she felt so bad FOR ME that she thought maybe she should leave me to help me. Tore at my heartstrings for sure. There was more though. I’ll take a note now for the future to discuss. Thanks!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Yes, there is definitely more to it than that! When hubby and I were having difficulties, I could honestly say that I didn’t like him (I also didn’t like me), and that was what we needed to work on… But what is it that you can really focus on / work on?
        No matter how much effort you put in, you can’t manufacture a spark…

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Marriage is tough. When one person has needs which are not complemented by their spouse, it’s harder. I’ve been on both sides of the knocking down your spouse for imagined offenses. When things have been bad, where the distance between you has been growing, it starts to feel like an impossible chasm to cross. In my case we both wanted to cross it, and in time, it got easier. We still both do this at times, but now we are *always* open to hearing the other say our reaction was uncalled for (usually a misunderstanding or a completely inaccurate assumption is to blame).

    It sucks, and I hate that our relationship devolved into this mistreatment of one another being an every day occurrence, and now a regular though less frequent occurrence. My husband will never be my Dom and I don’t think he has completely accepted that, but we are both 100% committed to making our marriage work even through this and many, many other challenges. In my experience, this can get better. However, if we hadn’t BOTH been to stubborn to accept any outcome other than improvement, I don’t think we would ever have improved from this negative place in which we spent YEARS.

    I would not presume to say anything about your marriage. However, I did want to share that in *mine*, we were able to face this and very, very slowly improve. I am once again someone my husband wants to spend time with, and even just a year ago this was not true at all. I am grateful he wants our marriage as stubbornly as I do.

    As always, wishing you the best of luck.
    LG

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My ex didn’t buy a book but he did “research online” how to dominate me then applied it. Half way through he made gag (little does he know I enjoy my throat being taken) he went limp and immediately cradled me and started apologizing for causing me discomfort. That was the last time we were intimate..
    This isn’t something you learn, it is who we are.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Okay, say your wife starts doing all the things you need. Say she’s a perfect wife to you. She fucks you on the daily, doesn’t nag you, does everything you want to make you happy. Are you still going to stay? Even if things get better, would you stay? I ask myself this every day. When things are better for X and I, I like him but i’m not in love with him. When he’s being a nasty piece of shit, I want to divorce his ass so fucking fast. We are both miserable in our relationships but would we be in love with them if they were the kind of spouses we wanted?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think yes. But it would be near fantasy for all those things to happen. How can you remake someone into something they are not? I’m not sure. But yes if she could be the one to make me happy then yes. Of course that means it sticks. Not just for a month, but it becomes the new normal. I think we just grew apart.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. From everything you describe of your wife she sounds very bitchy. I know you’ve said she is a wonderful, kind person, and I’m sure she is, but for whatever reason she shifts into bitch mode with you. I guess the question is why? My guess is she wants to feel a sense of power over you, not in the kinky sense, but in an interpersonal and household sense. SHE wants to “head the household.” She’s not even willing to share power.

    Marriage does have a tendency to devolve relationships into a hostile sibling dynamic, perhaps that is what has happened to you guys :(.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah. I think she has an internal struggle there. It does come out bitchy when she reaches he own threshold. Only toward me. She does have this sense she needs to be in control of everything. I think she feels she is sharing the control, but she isn’t. She is sharing the work, not the control. It’s so crazy because she does not see it at all. Completely blind to how it impacts us. She’s just “trying to get things done. They have to get done.”

      Hostile sibling dynamic. I can see that. You know what really pisses me off? When I’m working on something and tell her “I’ll do X when I finish what I’m doing here.” She can’t let it go so she waits like 2 minutes and then does X anyway. She thinks she’s doing me a favor but she’s not. She’s overwhelming herself which only comes back to bite me in the butt for not doing X. That means my only option is to jump up right away and drop whatever I’m doing to finish X before she feels the need to “do me a favor.” God that drives me crazy. She still does that shit everyday and I constantly tell her she needs to stop. She doesn’t put it all together though. For such a smart woman she has some big blindspots in interpersonal relationships.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You know, I’m pretty certain every husband has encountered this situation with their wife. Or vice versa. Sadly, our world has become a world of instant gratification. We want everything NOW, not later. We can’t wait for anything anymore.

        It use to be that 2 day shipping was an incredible convenience. Now? We are growing accustomed to Amazon Prime whereby anything we want, can be delivers to our doorstep in 2 hours. And soon? We’ll have drones likely delivering anything within 30 minutes. We use to write letters, then communication moved to email. Now it’s texting. Lonely? Well then get on Tinder and swipe right. The world is moving at an alarming pace and I have to wonder, how much of it bleeds into our expectations and interpersonal relationships. Our environment, work place and behaviors shape us to a large extent. And we as a whole, aren’t a very patient generation. Not to say we don’t have control over our actions. We do. But perhaps this may explain why your wife (and the world at large) isn’t very patient…

        Liked by 1 person

  6. CEO and I had shared a lot of fantasies and he was very, very alpha. He took utter control over my body and I submitted to him in every way. Our dynamic was different from day one! The sex I have with my husband is very different. I’m in the drivers seat, which is fine (but it’s my imagination driving what we do next).

    Don’t get me wrong, our current sex life is very satisfying but CEO satisfied a part of me that my husband hasn’t ever truly mastered. Which is why, shortly after I confessed, it kinda repulsed me to find google searches on my iPad that I knew I hadn’t made: Japanese rope bondage- how to tie etc.

    I had that same reaction that Meredith had…kinda like urgh. The wrong man in my life is exploring this and I can’t see myself participating in that when our relationship isn’t about that (at least it wasn’t at that point). CEO? Yep, any day- any time. His imagination and forethought drove our relationship and that is why I trusted him explicitly.

    So I totally get Merediths perspective. But my heart also goes out to her husband. The man is clearly *trying*…but since her mind is connected to another (you), it’s a moot point.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hope you write more about CEO. What you just told me here made my heart race with excitement. I completely understand what you are describing. That is what Meredith and I had.

      I’m also very interested in how you go from that, which you really enjoyed, to whatever you have with your husband. It’s not the same but was there a meeting halfway? Does that even work? I can’t imagine wife meeting me halfway. It would be her going through the motions and trying to follow a recipe to keep me happy. But her heart wouldn’t be in it.

      Did you read my post on H? Meredith’s husband. He’s a piece of work. I do feel for him greatly. He has so much to offer this has to make him feel horrible. I just don’t think he’s right for Meredith. In many ways. And I’m giving her lots of space to disconnect from me, but she’s been unhappy in her marriage for years before I came along.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I will, it’s just my focus is on my health these days. At the rate I’m going, I will be an old lady by the time I finish my story ๐Ÿ˜‚.

        Honestly, you’ll never get the exact relationship with your wife that you had with Meredith. Because honestly, every relationship is unique and different. But each one teaches us something about ourselves, about love, patience, teamwork and such. But you can make your marriage to your wife better- much better- and much more fulfilling. I am proof of that.

        I don’t have the perfect marriage- no one does. I do have an enviable one though, with everyone on FB commenting how our marriage is something they aspire to have one day, think it’s a storytale (if they only knew). I think it’s a matter of perspective though. If your life and marriage are lacking, it’s quite easy to look at another’s and only see the good attributes.

        So did he meet me in the middle? Yes in some ways he did. In other ways, he will never be like CEO…

        I stepped up tremendously and pretty much led my husband on the journey to a more fulfilling relationship. Not my ideal situation but you shouldn’t bicker if you’re still having orgasms, right? ๐Ÿ˜‚

        I knew I still needed excitement after my affair ended. I still needed jaunts to La Perla and cheesy lingerie stores to find trashy lingerie for him to rip off of my body. And dates to beautiful hotels…and an ever changing list of restaurants + variety in where we went and what we did. So I created all of those elements into our date nights, vacations etc. You need to be creative in your marriage- make your spouse’s mind race. I did that for CEO, so I carried that theme over into my marriage. I figured, if this didn’t work- then I could honestly leave my marriage knowing I tried it all.

        For example: My husband had a conference at a luxury hotel shortly after my confession. So I got a sitter and proceeded to send him photos with no captions: photo of traffic…blurry reflection of me in an all glass elevator…handcuffs, Lelo and Agent Provocateur lingerie laying on his hotel bed. Finally a text asking him to save me from the 20 men sitting to the left and right of me, at the bar of his hotel lobby (he showed up pretty darn fast-ha!…and he pretended he didn’t know me- bought me a drink- hit on me etc). We ended up at a rooftop bar where he found out I had no underwear on and by the time he got me back to the hotel room, he fucked me with more lust than say, a normal night in bed. Oh- and we spiced it up even further by pressing my naked body against the all glass windows for the entire LA freeway traffic below.

        That…was a fun and kinky night.

        These are the things we chose to do to create a fun marriage. It surely kept my partners interest piqued. It would be nice to experience the full dynamic of how my relationship was with CEO, but with my husband. But, they are two different men. And my expectations are realistic in this department.

        You basically need to try, try, try with your wife. Start with baby steps. Then build from there. You did these type of things when you were single (ok, well maybe you didn’t per say). But in any case, there is no reason why you can’t now.

        You are what stands between the life you currently lead vs the sex life you desire with your wife.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I really appreciate your advice. I know you are dealing with health issues which I’m terribly sorry about. I’m very thankful that you’re giving me any time at all. I just want you to know.

        What you did for your husband is admirable. Quite amazing actually. It sounds like, in some ways he did step up. Perhaps not all the way to CEO but higher then where he was. The way you are able to both compartmentalize what you have with each man while at the same time invest in improving your husband is remarkable. You don’t seem to hold lofty ideals that are unachievable.

        For the record I have been slowly trying to introduce excitement into our sex life since … well since we had a sex life. I’ve been shot down so many times that I just stopped. I tried to do the window sex thing in vegas with her too. She wouldn’t even hear of it. Her mind does not race sexually. I could arrange a fun night at a nice restaurant and the conversation would have zero sexual edge to it. If I sent her all those photos like you did she would conveniently forget to check her phone until she nearly ran into me and then ask what they all were. I’ve setup scavenger hunts and things like that before. Believe me I’ve tried for years. They are just wasted on her. She doesn’t get into it. I may as well just buy flowers, drink a beer and wait for her to finish all her chores and work and then beg for sex. I’d have just as much of a chance with half the work. Whenever I’ve asked her for fantasy ideas she has none. Zilch. Nada. But she has said she gets excited when I do the dishes. Ok great. That’s a recipe for a raucous sex life there!

        Oh and no I wasn’t single very long to know how to do most of this then before I met my wife. But once I was with her she made it very clear there was no sex before marriage. And it turns out fairly puritan sex thereafter.

        I do agree that I am what stands between me and the sex live I desire, but I also think it will come down to decisions my wife will need to make about her entire view of our sex life and whether or not she is capable of shedding those core views. I don’t have high hope she can or will want to. How can you make someone want something they’ve never wanted?

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      3. Oh so much to say…so much to reply to here. But first- how about that game!!! That 4th quarter was craaaazzzzzzyyyy!!

        Ok so I have to ask- what is your wife’s history? What is her family background? How was she raised? Was sex and all talk of it given some bad connotation? It seems her hang ups are deep seated …

        And this is a serious question here which you may not know the answer on. Was she molested as a child?

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  7. Glad my advice is helpful. Btw- I’m doing pretty good health wise right now. I still have whatever “this” is, although my latest labs show negative now. I am a perplexing case for sure. The last two weeks have been especially good. I’ve had two, back to back weeks of running 20+ miles again, which I haven’t had the stamina to do since summer. And I just did a 10k race this morning, so that tells you how good I am doing ๐Ÿ™‚

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