If Wife Finds Out

Someone asked me to think about this from Wife’s perspective. That sounds like an interesting thought experiment. First I suppose her perspective really only matters if she should find out so I will start there. 

How would she find out? The most likely ways are through this blog (security on your app please WordPress?), or through my text history with Meredith or through H (Meredith’s husband) telling her. I just realized writing this that my account is hooked to our iPad. If she downloads WordPress on the iPad it would all be there. Fuck. Well that’s a long shot she would do that. 

I haven’t deleted my text history in a long time because I want to archive the messages. Yes I’m insane for saving them, but I just want to have a record of our relationship. I should probably figure out how to get them off my phone. 

H is the wildcard. I sincerely doubt he will say anything to her as long as all of our statuses remain the same. He has no reason to. And if he attempts to email her directly I actually created a rule in her email to block any from him. Because I’m sneaky like that. I did it at the time because I thought he was going to forward her all the Evernote files he saved. He threatened Meredith that he would. 

If Meredith leaves him then it’s hard to say what he would do. Would he become a little unstable and blame me? It’s possible. If he finds out we are friendly again then I would say the odds go up even more. If, way down the road, I end up marrying Meredith I would find it hard to imagine him NOT telling Wife at some point. With all our kids there would be random meetings for sure. Plus if he saw me with Meredith his anger would go off the charts. But that last option is way down a fictional road anyway. 

Let’s assume she finds this blog on my phone somehow. Not implausible. Knowing Wife, there would be a range of emotions and they would be intense. Very intense. Anger, sadness, and distrust would shake her really hard. She would probably become slightly violent but not in a way that leaves lasting marks. Lots of screaming at me with tears. Then there would be the “How could you do this to me?”‘s and curling up and crying. Possible talk about suicide, but it would be just talk. She has too much to live for now and she’s really not suicidal. 

Then there would be the thinking. She would start to piece it all together. That she knew things were too close with Meredith and me. She would speculate when things happened and call me a scumbag for doing it then. Doesn’t matter when then is, there isn’t a good time to have an affair so she can just pick a time. Then she would feel like an idiot for becoming friends with her and letting it all happen right under her nose. I think she would go through this phase quickly. She’s sharp and has a good memory. She would buzz through her memory quickly putting all kinds of things together. 

I’m not sure if she would kick me out of the house or not. My guess is her initial reaction would be right out of a movie. To throw my clothes out the window and kick me out the front door. She is a mega overreactor at times. But I think she would calm down a little and probably settle with letting me crash in the guest room.  

At some point I would be able to apologize and explain some of my side. That I ended it many months ago, and have been trying to focus on us. I doubt much of that would have an impact at first other that just taking the edge off the overreaction. Her justice meter would be way off kilter which, in her mind, gives her the right to say and do things to me she wouldn’t normally do. It is because she has been wronged, and justice is in an imbalance. She will even say and do very petty things just to prove it. 

Then she would ask the fateful question: are you done with her? Do you want to be married to me anymore? That is when things become more gray for me. I still don’t know how to answer those questions. She would push me angrily to answer quickly and appropriately. In her world there are rules and the answer to a question like that does not need consideration because the answer is obvious. Yes or no and move on. But my world is filled with gray. Which makes that question not so easy to answer. 

I know that to save my marriage I need to turn 100% of my energy into it. I haven’t done that. I don’t plan on doing that. I don’t know if I could even after she caught me. Because being found out does not fix the things in my marriage that are wrong. Those are what I want to work on. 

Eventually there would be long term fallout. We would either move toward divorce and I would need to find a place to live. There would be custody terms to discuss. All our accumulated crap would need to be divided. All of that I would do with a heavy heart but for Wife each thing would make her break down anew. I’m not sure she could handle the pain. I would do all I can to ease her suffering. Finding ways to be equitable for her and to make sure she has all she needs. 

The other option is we move toward reigniting our marriage. We throw the old one out and rebuild in our new one. I can tell you that it would have to be quite different. Wife would have lost the innocence of her first marriage. She would be asking for changes as well. We would need to decide if and how we can make the new marriage work. What were we both missing and how do we help each other? It sounds like a very simple question but the answers are quite difficult. I’m not sure the things we need the other is even capable of giving. Is it even fair to ask them to be someone they are not? I know from my side I would clearly tell her what I can and cannot do, but I don’t think she will. She will say she can do anything as long as I give concrete examples. There are not always concrete examples. The problems for me are not actions, but thoughts. 

Also Meredith would have to be completely out of the picture. I would have to let her know and do some kind of ceremony to end it. Doing so would be really really hard because I can’t replace what I would be losing from her. Wife is never going to be Meredith. 

I suppose that’s where things would go. Hopefully we never get there. I want us to be able to discuss our marriage as it is now in more direct terms. I think we are working that direction. Then we can let the results of that determine our next steps. 


11 thoughts on “If Wife Finds Out

  1. Thanks for sharing. I feel silly that I don’t know my husband as well as I’d like to. Perhaps a good place to start on more conversations with him, being ill-equipped at communicating is a ‘story’ of mine that I’ve worked on re-writing for some time.

    Whilst I think I know how hubby would react in finding out about Magenta, I honestly don’t know. Maybe a lesson in trusting myself too though – perhaps what I think he would do/say is fairly acurate but I question myself too much.

    I hope this post helped you as it helped me. I do hope you get to the place of being able to discuss your marriage with your wife in more direct terms.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Nice thought experiment, I have done this too but not nearly as in depth, my wife would probably leave lasting marks or the body would never be found at least. Maybe not, but I could see it going that way. One of us would likely end up dead by her hand, sadly.

    Sounds like you really need to tighten your security. May I suggest a mischief google account? Link the gmail address to your wordpress and get a free google voice number and hangouts on your phone (you can send/receive free SMS/mms and phone calls using this) and turn it on and off at will (I leave mine on when gone from the house and turn it off at home). Basically this gives you a second phone number within your phone that you can turn off when needed including separate call and message histories.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sorry to hear about how your wife would react. That makes your adventures even more perilous! I know my wife has said things like that in the past, but it’s generally her joking around. When we are serious she’s not a violent person.

      I think my security is pretty tight, but you may have seen my post on how H somehow found EVERY account we set up? I couldn’t believe it. I don’t text or talk much with Meredith anymore. I could clean those off. The real thing I worry about is her getting my phone and opening this app while I’m not around. She doesn’t know the password to unlock it but generally my phone is laying around the house all the time. I usually lock it, but sometimes I forget when a child is screaming.

      That’s pretty tricky with google voice. I never did figure out how to get that to work. Doesn’t matter now. No more communication.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This post considers what your wife would do, but not how she would feel. Having been her, I can tell you exactly how it would feel.
    It’s akin to a house being knocked off its foundation.
    When you don’t suspect what’s happening, discovering your husband has left you for another woman (emotionally, I mean. Physically you’re still there), it is the most singularly devastating fact you ever learn. All of life splits into two parts: before you knew, and after. Your life irrevocably changes.
    For example: I have, for my entire life, had a paralyzing fear of the dark. I’ve created an elaborate set of rules by which I live that keep me alive. Never walking into a dark room, always sleep facing the door, never hang body parts over the edge of the bed… there are dozens of them and I was faithful to them for over thirty years.
    The night I discovered Bear’s affair, I hung my arm over the bed and prayed that the monsters would take me. It couldn’t be worse than what I was already going through.
    Since then, all of the rules keeping me safe have been abolished. I walk through the dark now, welcoming the thought that something will come after me. Because I know I’ve faced worse. I’ve already hit my rock bottom.
    My point is this: no matter what she does when she finds out, you need to understand that discovering your affair will break her. You will be responsible for shattering into pieces everything she thinks she is and has. She will never, ever, be the same again. It does not matter how much time passes or how well she “heals.” Once done, that knowledge cannot be undone. And learning that the man you thought held you in the number one place on his heart not only doesn’t but has actively put someone else there over you isn’t something you can just accept. Not without it destroying you first.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have to object to your presumption that in a similar situation, a stranger would feel “exactly” how you felt. In my experience, assumptions cause more harm & pain in relationships than honesty. Honesty often hurts too, but can also bring acceptance in time. Change is often scary, painful and difficult (can often in fact fairly be described even as having ‘destroyed’ the person you were prior), but that doesn’t mean you can’t be grateful for change in the end. Even if that change was ‘forced’ upon you and not something you chose for yourself.

      It is not my intention to invalidate how you felt or suggest you were not in fact the victim you describe yourself as having been, but now that you know, would you rather go back to living a lie? If so, all you had to do was forgive and keep living your life exactly the same way. In fact, MANY marriages survive in such conditions because that is what the parties choose for their own reasons. What you’ve described does not sound like that was your choice.


      Liked by 1 person

    2. Yeah. I know. What you say is true. She has said some of these things to me already when we just talked about there being trouble in paradise. I could see her perfectly safe world starting to crumble. It devastates me. I don’t want to hurt her. I care for her. There is a reason I read your blog and others like yours. I want to know what the other side is like. I want to be as kind to her as I can knowing how awful this all could be.

      In fact I hope that she never has to find out. You know people fall out of love and reach divorce for many reasons other then an affair. Some of the things you said would happen no matter the cause. Just knowing that you were not their #1 anymore. Even if there wasn’t #2 lines up. As painful as it is those things happen in many divorces. If we get there I hope for my Wife’s sake that it ends over a divorce and not over the affair. I’m really trying to end the affair, but I learned a lot about myself during that time. I have changed. My relationship has changed.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Reading this made me think a lot about my marriage, and in truth there has probably been a lot more of the ‘bad’ than the ‘good’ in our years together thus far. Recently my husband and I watched the remastered Beauty and the Beast and near the end, I objected to Disney’s message that all it takes to change a man from someone you don’t like into someone you DO like is the ‘right’ woman. My husband asked me in response, “Don’t you think you’ve changed me?” Unable to deny this fact (and I have always cited how he helps me be more the person I want to be i.e. helps me change by being himself and in my life) I responded that while of course this was true, I didn’t decide who I wanted him to be and then make him that person. He agreed, but felt it important we mutually recognize how much we have both changed through sharing our life together.

    What I wondered as I read your post is how you and your wife have (or have not) each changed as individuals during the course of your relationship? I can’t imagine either of you is exactly the same as you were, say, when you first got involved. So next I wondered, did you ever systematically share with one another the ways in which you were changing over time, and how your partner did or did not impact that change in yourself? I resisted this type of deeply personal sharing for YEARS with my husband, and over time essentially cut myself off from him completely emotionally speaking. It was an unintended side effect of myself changing and my essentially hiding the new me from him, often due to fear.

    This is not a habit I have fully escaped, but since I’ve started making the effort to talk with him about how I’m changing, why, and how he has or can support me, get feedback from him on how he perceives changes in me and how he feels it effects him, I have stumbled back into the endless depths of his emotional support. I have great difficulty communicating emotional content, but making an effort to do so in this way as transformed our relationship. It’s still hard work and nearly always takes longer for me to share with him than it should, but we are growing stronger and my fear has lessened dramatically.

    Being poly at heart myself, I have often internally said just what you said in this post, that my husband is not _______ (fill in the blank). When I’ve been emotionally disconnected from him, this can be indescribably painful. What I now see about thinking this, is that the pain is of not having the imagined endless possibilities another person represents. In fact, were I to choose that other person, I could easily say the exact reverse and be saddened about all I would be missing because I did not choose to share my life with my husband.

    I see marriage as a conscious choice…not a very romantic notion, but for me a practical one. Every day I wake up, and I CHOOSE to share myself, my life, my love and devotion with my husband. He does something which annoys me, and I imagine how awful it would be to lose all that he brings to my life. I CHOOSE *him*. We argue, or disagree, or outright fight, and I CHOOSE him. Otherwise, I’d simply stop. I’d leave. I’d choose someone else. I’d choose to be alone, not have to trust anyone or try to communicate my emotions at all, unless it was easy/comfortable for me. No, that’s not what I choose and that’s not who I want to be. So, even in our darkest hours, there has never been any doubt in my mind that I CHOOSE this marriage, this relationship. Even though that may mean forsaking another, and at a different time it may openly accept others. It’s complicated, but doing my very best to participate in this relationship constantly helps me to be more the person I want to be.

    I’ve made mistakes, I’ve hidden so much out of fear, and I’m nowhere near perfect. But looking back at who I was before I began my relationship with my husband, even with all my flaws, I have no regrets about the choice I made and continue to make. I believe there are other people who can give me things that my husband can’t, and frankly I think this should be commonly accepted – of course no one person could meet all of any other person’s needs. My husband doesn’t have to meet all of my wants, needs, desires, fantasies, etc. He just has to be the person I choose to share my life with, knowing that others may come and go. Knowing that will mean declining other potentially world-changing opportunities with others (or even on my own). Who he helps me be is enough for me in this life. I can make and accept compromises in order to have him and who I am with him. That’s my choice.

    So, in a very long-winded and maybe even narcissistic way, this is my way of saying marriages, relationships, emotional connections can be transformed; the lines can be re-drawn to attempt to meet needs, to allow others to balance out the picture as a whole…but it’s hard work, it’s painful, it’s scary, it can make you question absolutely everything, and there’s no grantee of the result in the end. It’s been worth it for me so far.

    Wishing you luck (no matter what choices you make),

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for sharing! Wow. That was a post unto itself. You are right we both have grown, changed and shaped each other as we have been together. We are not even nearly the same people we were before. Yet there are some core aspects to us that have been there all along. For example, I have always been the nerdy computer guy, and she has always been the goodie two shoes work a holic.

      To boil this down I think what you are really saying is that people change over time, and you need to acknowledge and work with the change. You choose everyday to be with your husband knowing that you have changed. You talk with him about the change and then plan how to move forward. Knowing he can’t do all for you.

      There are two aspects to that though. The first is that you don’t grow apart while you are changing. It can be easy enough to start going down different paths and then you look back and realize you are no longer a healthy couple together. This is where my parent faltered.

      The second is that your spouse has to acknowledge and work with you on the changes. This is the problem I’m facing. I am seeing the changes and I love addressing them, talking about them and looking for innovative solutions. Wife does not. She does not want to see any changes. She doesn’t want to talk about them at all. Too upsetting. She wants everything to be how it was when we were all happy. She is at her core a very traditional person. She lives off traditions and normalcy. She can’t seem to handle the change.

      I really appreciate your perspective. You’ve taken some innovative steps to solve your marriage woes and you’ve found a way to be honest with your spouse. I think it’s wonderful. With luck I will be able to pulls at least one lesson from you.


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