Someone asked me to think about this from Wife’s perspective. That sounds like an interesting thought experiment. First I suppose her perspective really only matters if she should find out so I will start there.
How would she find out? The most likely ways are through this blog (security on your app please WordPress?), or through my text history with Meredith or through H (Meredith’s husband) telling her. I just realized writing this that my account is hooked to our iPad. If she downloads WordPress on the iPad it would all be there. Fuck. Well that’s a long shot she would do that.
I haven’t deleted my text history in a long time because I want to archive the messages. Yes I’m insane for saving them, but I just want to have a record of our relationship. I should probably figure out how to get them off my phone.
H is the wildcard. I sincerely doubt he will say anything to her as long as all of our statuses remain the same. He has no reason to. And if he attempts to email her directly I actually created a rule in her email to block any from him. Because I’m sneaky like that. I did it at the time because I thought he was going to forward her all the Evernote files he saved. He threatened Meredith that he would.
If Meredith leaves him then it’s hard to say what he would do. Would he become a little unstable and blame me? It’s possible. If he finds out we are friendly again then I would say the odds go up even more. If, way down the road, I end up marrying Meredith I would find it hard to imagine him NOT telling Wife at some point. With all our kids there would be random meetings for sure. Plus if he saw me with Meredith his anger would go off the charts. But that last option is way down a fictional road anyway.
Let’s assume she finds this blog on my phone somehow. Not implausible. Knowing Wife, there would be a range of emotions and they would be intense. Very intense. Anger, sadness, and distrust would shake her really hard. She would probably become slightly violent but not in a way that leaves lasting marks. Lots of screaming at me with tears. Then there would be the “How could you do this to me?”‘s and curling up and crying. Possible talk about suicide, but it would be just talk. She has too much to live for now and she’s really not suicidal.
Then there would be the thinking. She would start to piece it all together. That she knew things were too close with Meredith and me. She would speculate when things happened and call me a scumbag for doing it then. Doesn’t matter when then is, there isn’t a good time to have an affair so she can just pick a time. Then she would feel like an idiot for becoming friends with her and letting it all happen right under her nose. I think she would go through this phase quickly. She’s sharp and has a good memory. She would buzz through her memory quickly putting all kinds of things together.
I’m not sure if she would kick me out of the house or not. My guess is her initial reaction would be right out of a movie. To throw my clothes out the window and kick me out the front door. She is a mega overreactor at times. But I think she would calm down a little and probably settle with letting me crash in the guest room.
At some point I would be able to apologize and explain some of my side. That I ended it many months ago, and have been trying to focus on us. I doubt much of that would have an impact at first other that just taking the edge off the overreaction. Her justice meter would be way off kilter which, in her mind, gives her the right to say and do things to me she wouldn’t normally do. It is because she has been wronged, and justice is in an imbalance. She will even say and do very petty things just to prove it.
Then she would ask the fateful question: are you done with her? Do you want to be married to me anymore? That is when things become more gray for me. I still don’t know how to answer those questions. She would push me angrily to answer quickly and appropriately. In her world there are rules and the answer to a question like that does not need consideration because the answer is obvious. Yes or no and move on. But my world is filled with gray. Which makes that question not so easy to answer.
I know that to save my marriage I need to turn 100% of my energy into it. I haven’t done that. I don’t plan on doing that. I don’t know if I could even after she caught me. Because being found out does not fix the things in my marriage that are wrong. Those are what I want to work on.
Eventually there would be long term fallout. We would either move toward divorce and I would need to find a place to live. There would be custody terms to discuss. All our accumulated crap would need to be divided. All of that I would do with a heavy heart but for Wife each thing would make her break down anew. I’m not sure she could handle the pain. I would do all I can to ease her suffering. Finding ways to be equitable for her and to make sure she has all she needs.
The other option is we move toward reigniting our marriage. We throw the old one out and rebuild in our new one. I can tell you that it would have to be quite different. Wife would have lost the innocence of her first marriage. She would be asking for changes as well. We would need to decide if and how we can make the new marriage work. What were we both missing and how do we help each other? It sounds like a very simple question but the answers are quite difficult. I’m not sure the things we need the other is even capable of giving. Is it even fair to ask them to be someone they are not? I know from my side I would clearly tell her what I can and cannot do, but I don’t think she will. She will say she can do anything as long as I give concrete examples. There are not always concrete examples. The problems for me are not actions, but thoughts.
Also Meredith would have to be completely out of the picture. I would have to let her know and do some kind of ceremony to end it. Doing so would be really really hard because I can’t replace what I would be losing from her. Wife is never going to be Meredith.
I suppose that’s where things would go. Hopefully we never get there. I want us to be able to discuss our marriage as it is now in more direct terms. I think we are working that direction. Then we can let the results of that determine our next steps.