Today was her first day ever with a counselor. I’m so glad for her. No matter what happens this will help her to get through things in a healthier way. Whether it be hard conversations with me or us separating someday.
February 2016 (is that considered last February yet?) we had our first hard conversation and it didn’t end well. That was when I recommended she see a counselor. 11 months later she finally did. But one of the things I told her at that point was that I really wanted us to be able to discuss sex, and things that were important to me. I even said “I’d rather that we discuss rather than I just go out and cheat. I don’t want to cheat.”
This was before Meredith and I had sex, but we definitely had an emotional affair in progress. I think I was hoping talking to Wife would help keep the affair at bay. It didn’t work.
Anyway, Wife remembered that comment when she talked with her counselor about us. The counselor asked how invested I was in finding a solution, and Wife told her that quote. It’s funny because I still feel that way even though I did cheat. Maybe it’s because I’m not still cheating.
The counselor said to give me kudos for being so great. Yeah. I’m fucking great. Feels like a knife in the chest. I just need to put the affair behind me, and move this process forward in a healthy way. This is what we should have done years ago.
Do you want to know the hardest part? I may have mentioned this before. Wife sees me as her absolute rock. She has no else in her life that she can really confide in. She just doesn’t invest in relationships deeply. I do and have supported her emotionally for years and years. I’ve been there for all her good times and bad times since just before she turned 19. That’s a long time. She leans on me for everything. When I told her I was struggling with aspects of our relationship it was like an earthquake for her.
She told all this to the counselor in her own words, and said that was the one time she started crying. Thinking of losing her rock.
The start of a long process. We shall see how it goes.