The End of a Pivotal Year

As 2016 comes to a close I am apt to reflect on how much this one year has changed my life. It created a pivot. I must now choose a new path, and the path pre-2016 will never exist again. 

Before this year my life was pretty much the same as it had always been. Safe and steady. Always following the most reasonable  path. Yes there was an undercurrent in my marriage that was unhealthy which I didn’t understand, but in general I had a life plan with no drama. 

Then 2016 hit with lots of drama, intense emotions, and several life changing moments. I had an affair; I had a second child; I fell in love with another woman; this other woman experimented with a woman; that woman’s jealous lover exploded on the scene; I had a night with my affair partner and her husband that seemed promising and ended in disaster; she moved away from me and nearly out of my life; followed by intense heart break over my affair partner and also over my wife. 

The ups and downs have been more intense this year than in any previous year. The highs were unimaginable. Dreams and desires I’ve had for decades finally achieved. The lows have been lower than I’ve ever experienced. The loss of a soul mate. Watching my life devolve, and knowing that I’m lying to my wonderful wife. I have worked so hard to create a calm, boring, safe life, and 2016 blew up that life. It is almost like I broke out of my shell and finally started living. 

There has been much to learn as well. Not everything is as it appears in life. There are emotions I’d never had to face. People are flawed in ways I hadn’t imagined. In any group of people there is probably more drama going on behind the scenes than you know, and I have so much more empathy than I used to. When you think of yourself as the last person to ever have an affair, and then you find yourself in one, it really changes your perspective on what people are capable of. 

One thing I know for sure is that right or wrong I cannot unknow things that I learned this year. They are now part of who I am. Part of the package of experiences in my life. Looking toward 2017 I will have to use this new experience and combine it with wisdom to chart a new course. That wisdom may have to come from others as both wife and I will be seeking counseling to help us through this. 

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9 thoughts on “The End of a Pivotal Year

  1. I’m feeling the exact same way–2017 is a year to make some soul searching and really figure out what I want and need. I opened the door to that conversation with H last night after a horrible week with my stepdaughter. Does your wife know about the affair yet??
    Move through life or really live!?!? Best of luck as this year comes to a close and you and your wife try to figure things out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wife doesn’t know. Hopefully she never will. It would only hurt her and I don’t want to hurt her. I want us to deal with us. Of course I learned a lot about me, but otherwise leave the affair out of it.

      I’m glad you had a good talk with H. I’m interested to hear more. Once again we are on similar paths.

      Like

      1. Sorry just seeing this. Yeah talk was good but like every other talk it leads nowhere. He had a shitty first marriage, his ex wouldn’t work or pay things, had to choose between diapers and cokes kind of stuff so his only answer is “I don’t want to be broke again.” As far as H knows, CB and I only ever texted for 3-4 months, no idea about anything else to include that CB is getting hired and staying in the same office. June is still the drop-date for H to really figure out how he feels about a baby, starting all over, and putting more effort into me/us/our relationship. Case and point the talk was Sunday night and Monday (we had off from work) he went for a run and then left at noon to go hunt–I had asked to go to the movies or do something else with him–effort
        I’m going to start journaling again and trying to meditate and see where it leads me

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I know you and I had extremely different experiences this year with our affairs, but I echo your words in many ways. It is incredible that I’ve changed more this past year than the previous 5. I finally feel alive. Not sure where to go either, but I’m going to carry the experiences with me forever. Best of luck to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Best wishes to you for 2017, I hope you find peace of mind and can move on with your wife in a happy, loving, healthy relationship. After all that’s what we all want & deserve!
    Ava x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I feel like I can echo a few of your sentiments. This year has changed me a lot. Although certainly not to the extremes that you have had, I am still left with many emotions and feelings I really didn’t know could exist. It is as amazing as it is scary.

    I do wish you good luck on your journey into the New Year. xo

    Liked by 1 person

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