I often think about what life will be like when I am old. I had grandparents who stayed married until death did them part. That is a long time. It also comes with an expectation from those in your family that your spouse will be there for you. Stability.
It is comforting to know that as I grow old my first true love, and the mother of my children, will be there to support me. To be at my bedside. If I should pass first, to mourn for me as a wife who lost her husband and true love would. As society would expect and understand.
I know that Wife would be there. She is always there, and full of stability for our relationship. She would mourn for me quite perfectly because I have taken care of her in ways that are very meaningful to her. I also would mourn for her because I do love her, and she does take care of me as well. We have grown together. Shaped each other.
Then I think about divorce. If we made it through divorce, and she did not hate me then would she still mourn for me? I don’t know. She would be sad. Probably for herself and definitely for her children. Would anyone else mourn for me? Would I be an outcast?
If Meredith and I marry would we be strong enough down the road that everyone would trust she is by my side? Would there be an unwritten respect for her as my one and only at my deathbed? As we grow older would everything make sense to all of society’s rules or would there be an emptiness because of the divorce? Would we look tarnished and less worthy of respect?
Looking at my own family I see both examples. My great-grandma was on her 3rd husband, and they had been together 20 years. When he passed it was just like original family. They had a very close bond. My dad is now on his 3rd wife and the 2nd one would’ve been hard to imagine trusting, but the third one feels right. He found his soulmate, and you can see them growing old like two swans.
Maybe I’m overthinking this. I can get emotional when sleep deprived. I suppose what I see is all this reverence Wife and I receive because of our long, and what looks like, strong marriage. I don’t know what it would be like on the other side. If I end up marrying Meredith I still want the respect of growing old with my soul mate. I want to feel whole.