Sometimes it’s the little things. Out of almost four years spent in conversation with Meredith, and the last year being intimate, there is one phrase that she said somewhat regularly that last year which is continually stuck in my head:
You are so fucking sexy!
She must have said that to me once every couple of weeks. It would always catch me off guard as Wife would never do that. Meredith would look me in the eye, and with a look of sheer desire spout that out. Sometimes shaking her head and saying “I just can’t believe it.”
I couldn’t believe it either. Meredith is beautiful, and she can’t believe how sexy I am? What I love is her appreciation. She isn’t afraid to notice and tell me. She understands that I need to hear it. She sees all the details too. Sometimes I catch her just staring at the pattern of gray in my beard. If I part my hair slightly different she says something. If my slacks are not fitting well she lets me know. She notices everything! And I love it.
With Wife if I ask her then she will look at me and tell me how hot she thinks I am, but it always feels disingenuous. I’m not sure if she’s really even seeing me because she misses all of the detail. Life is in the details! She misses any change. Sometimes I will change my hair style specifically to see if she notices, and she never does. Even when I ask her. She also never just looks at me and gives me an indication of how attractive she finds me. Never! Maybe Wife’s response is related to why she doesn’t have much of a sex drive. Chicken or egg question perhaps.
It’s not that I’m vain, and need to hear it everyday, but I am human and I need to feel desired. Or at least noticed! It is all part of the sexual game. When I don’t feel noticed or attractive to the person then I don’t feel desire for them. I tell Wife (and used to tell Meredith) how beautiful she is everyday. Just because I can. Because I know it means a lot to her, and also because it’s true. Wife and Meredith both know that I don’t say things just to get by. You don’t hear compliments unless I feel you deserve them. Yet I feel those ladies deserve them nearly everyday. Is it so much to ask to have that feeling returned? There are many days I’m not sure if Wife is attracted to me or to the idea of me. She would have to see me to be attracted to me.
It’s not just about feeling sexy either. With those words, and the specifics Meredith tells me after she says I’m so sexy, comes a feeling of confidence that lasts a long time. The way Meredith treats me and interacts with me makes me into more of the man I want to be.
I hate these comparisons. I guess that is where my life is now. Comparing life with two women. One makes me feel sexy; the other does not.