To Feel Desired

Sometimes it’s the little things. Out of almost four years spent in conversation with Meredith, and the last year being intimate, there is one phrase that she said somewhat regularly that last year which is continually stuck in my head:

You are so fucking sexy!

She must have said that to me once every couple of weeks. It would always catch me off guard as Wife would never do that. Meredith would look me in the eye, and with a look of sheer desire spout that out. Sometimes shaking her head and saying “I just can’t believe it.”

I couldn’t believe it either. Meredith is beautiful, and she can’t believe how sexy I am? What I love is her appreciation. She isn’t afraid to notice and tell me. She understands that I need to hear it. She sees all the details too. Sometimes I catch her just staring at the pattern of gray in my beard. If I part my hair slightly different she says something. If my slacks are not fitting well she lets me know. She notices everything! And I love it. 

With Wife if I ask her then she will look at me and tell me how hot she thinks I am, but it always feels disingenuous. I’m not sure if she’s really even seeing me because she misses all of the detail. Life is in the details! She misses any change. Sometimes I will change my hair style specifically to see if she notices, and she never does. Even when I ask her. She also never just looks at me and gives me an indication of how attractive she finds me. Never! Maybe Wife’s response is related to why she doesn’t have much of a sex drive. Chicken or egg question perhaps.

It’s not that I’m vain, and need to hear it everyday, but I am human and I need to feel desired. Or at least noticed! It is all part of the sexual game. When I don’t feel noticed or attractive to the person then I don’t feel desire for them. I tell Wife (and used to tell Meredith) how beautiful she is everyday. Just because I can. Because I know it means a lot to her, and also because it’s true. Wife and Meredith both know that I don’t say things just to get by. You don’t hear compliments unless I feel you deserve them. Yet I feel those ladies deserve them nearly everyday. Is it so much to ask to have that feeling returned? There are many days I’m not sure if Wife is attracted to me or to the idea of me. She would have to see me to be attracted to me.

It’s not just about feeling sexy either. With those words, and the specifics Meredith tells me after she says I’m so sexy, comes a feeling of confidence that lasts a long time. The way Meredith treats me and interacts with me makes me into more of the man I want to be.

I hate these comparisons. I guess that is where my life is now. Comparing life with two women. One makes me feel sexy; the other does not.

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6 thoughts on “To Feel Desired

  1. A few years into my sexless marriage I developed a fairly severe complex (though I did not realize it at the time), convinced there was something hideously wrong with me. Was it my hygiene? Did I have some growth on my skin I could not see? I went so far as to ask a female friend if she noticed anything on my skin? (no)

    It wasn’t really until N- he couldn’t understand why I didn’t wear sexy clothes (I used to but gave up when my husband had no interest, ever). He started buying me beautiful clothes and lingerie. I sometimes didn’t recognize myself in the mirror.

    These days I make an effort to wear cute clothes and take care of myself. It’s not vanity, it’s sanity. When you are rejected and ignored by the one person in the world who is supposed to want and notice you, it takes a heavy toll.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I think you have a much more severe version of this for sure with your husband. That must have been quite a revelation with N! I know it was for me. It is to maintain sanity. Thinking back it’s kind of crazy and sad the things I would do to get her attention.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. One thing I find hard to differentiate, at times, in my situation is when someone is genuine and someone is ‘being a player’. It may be because I put out mixed signals (I’ve just realised) about wanting ‘NSA’ (no strings attached) liaisons to make up for home neglect, which is definitely what I set out to find initially. But now that I know how good desire and sex can be, I find myself wanting more.
    In relation to your wife not making you feel desired, I wonder if I do that to my husband? I do love his cock and want him but he’s never naturally oozed sex appeal, and whilst I’ve always found him attractive in looks and personality, he doesn’t seem to do things I find easy to compliment as being sexy or hot.
    I love his manly voice and he looks sexy at times, but I’d feel disingenuous to comment daily if I didn’t feel it. I can easily be genuine about his eyes and eyelashes. Hmmmm

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think this is great that you are doing an introspection, but from reading some on your site and what you just wrote I would have to say that it is more than you. There may be elements of you not making him feel desired but you have an active sex drive and an ability to use it. Unless you are outright rejecting him he should probably be able to see that, and I’m sure it oozes out of you at times. Like an aura of sexual vibes. Not all the time, but at times. I don’t ever get that. Ever.

      Liked by 1 person

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