A Month without Meredith

It’s been a month now since we last talked. It’s been seven months since we’ve seen each other. I can’t stop thinking about her. I miss her so much. My most recent posts I shared to bring into context some of the feelings and exchanges we had when we were together.

Meredith and I wanted a different life. Unfortunately our cards have been dealt. We are far into the game. The only option now is to keep playing the same game and let her go or to flip the card table over and change the game. That last option would lead to a lot of chaos in many lives.

When we last spoke we made one final promise. If we came to the conclusion at any point that the affair was over we would call the other person to let them know. To let them move on with their life. There has been no call from either side. We are patiently testing things out without being near each other. Investing time back into our marriages. But it is really hard to not think she has forgotten about me. I know it’s not true, but it often feels that way.

There is one thing I know and I can’t really tell you why I know it so confidently. I just do. If I left my wife tomorrow and asked Meredith to come with me she would do it. She just needs me to take the lead. It puts double pressure on me to make the final decision. In the past she has hemmed and hawed that she needed to leave her husband regardless of my situation, but in times of weakness she admits that it will be hard to do without me. She will probably just continue as is until I make a decision for us.

Eventually I will have to make that decision. I’m going to find a counselor and discuss this in more detail. That decision will affect two marriages and seven lives directly. It sounds very selfish to think about it in those terms, and it is. Sometimes the decisions we have to make in life are not easy. I know a lot of people will say the right thing to do is easy. Stick with the life I have. However when you find yourself married to someone who you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with then decisions are not easy.

Unfortunately Meredith and I did not recognize these things in ourselves or have any idea that the right person would actually exist out there. I mentioned in another post my anger that so little is taught about sex other than the biology. I feel I was setup to fail by a sheer lack of information. It’s like driving around in a car for 17 years in the heat with the windows rolled down to get as much air as possible, and then you discover the car has air conditioning. Why didn’t anyone tell you?

The other advice I get, which is super helpful btw, is that I should’ve ended my marriage before finding a new relationship. Well yeah I know that now. But see above paragraph, I didn’t completely know that it needed to end as much as I do now. Or at least change. Now that the affair has ended I’ve been thinking about the impacts of the affair, and how it might be the sign that I’ve needed for a while. As in now is the time to have the hard discussions with Wife. The affair was a wake up call. I’d like to use it as that. No longer continue the affair. Not talk about it directly, but use it as the catalyst to change what isn’t working in my marriage.

Overall I’m just ready to move on with my life. For this blog I’m going to continue hashing out my own thoughts. Day to day isn’t going to be as exciting, but I think I’m going to throw in some stories from the past and thoughts about Wife. The stories from the past are not because I’m stuck living there, but rather to help me move on. Get them out of my head. Everything else will be about finding my way in the future.

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6 thoughts on “A Month without Meredith

  1. YES! Speak to a counselor. He or she will help you clarify what you’re feeling and find the words to speak to your wife.
    But as for you not knowing what you want to do? “I didn’t completely know that it needed to end as much as I do now.” You’ve said it. Now you just need to find peace with that. To decide if you’ll go after what you want or let it go for what you have. Because you’re a decent man who cares about the other lives affected. I wish you strength. Do the hard thing, and do it soon. The counselor is an awesome first step – don’t put it off! All time spent spinning your wheels is time wasted. Use that counseling to gain the traction you need to go in the direction you decide.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Looking someone in the eye and letting them know you’re unhappy, when the other person has turned a blind eye to it, is one of the hardest things to do. I’ve been there. I played house with a person for more than ten years. When I finally woke up one morning and told him I was leaving and not coming back, it was devastating to me, and to him too. He said, “But I love you!” I knew he loved me, but he didn’t love me the way I needed. I needed him to feed my soul, to support me, to WANT me, to desire me, to share with me. He just lived with me. I finally came to the conclusion, after I left, that he didn’t do anything wrong, it’s just that he stopped doing anything right. I wish I had spoken to a counselor. I think it would have given me the proper tools to make it mentally easier on us both. I was having an affair as well, and when he asked me about it, I came clean and admitted it.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That was very well worded. Thank you for your insight. I do feel like that a lot. Good roommates. Great roommates actually. But she does not feed my soul. I will go see a counselor if anything just to get the words and tools to do things the right way.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Being in your shoes and currently in counseling, it will only help as long as the other person is willing to put the effort and change things. H doesn’t believe in counseling and goes just to appease me so needless to say what I think could really be helping right now isn’t–see today’s post.
    Wish I could say something different but love isn’t just love and Life is a fckng roller coaster!!

    Liked by 2 people

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