One of the characteristics of Meredith is that she gives. When she chooses to support something she will give all. To the point where she begins to disappear. It’s one of her biggest fears is to fade away into the unknown. She has so few people to share her inner world with.
In May it was clear we were going to be spending some time apart. Meredith asked me to write her something posted anonymously that she could refer to while we were apart that would help remind her about all we had talked about. To remind her that she was important and valuable. Also looking at the critical elements within her own marriage. She knew that once we were apart she would quickly forget and then justify changing nothing. Allowing herself to disappear again.
I wrote the below piece for her back in May. I do not refer to her as Meredith here, but you’ll understand.
Remember Who You Are
I loved her. I still love her. But I lost her almost as quickly. Never before had I met such a woman. There really are not many like her in the world. Perhaps she is the only one. She loves with a passion. She gives of herself everything for those she loves.
We became friends in the fall. There was such a wonderful connection that we quickly became best friends. By the end of December we were exploring our sexual sides together. Things progressed quickly. On the other side, it was all over by May. Seven months of a wonderful friendship.
Long before we became friends she was dealing with problems in her life that I had no idea. We were coworkers but these were not coworker type problems. What I came to uncover as we became closer was a beautiful, creative and intelligent woman who did not know the depth of those qualities within herself. They were chronically repressed by her own spouse.
She was married young and lived abroad for much of it. Honestly she did not know what she should expect in her own marriage. She did not understand how she should have been treated. She fell into a role out of love and it became comfortable but not healthy. Her expectations for her husband were low and she put everything into supporting him. Sacrificing much of her own time and energy. He did not return the favor at the same level. He took, she gave.
Within her marriage she was treated as a secondary. She was not an equal. Her opinions, ideas and time were trumped continually by her husband. It was constant and usually small, but often even big things would be pushed away. Over time it became normal. She became accustomed to always having the inferior opinion. Even having her own friends became a problem. He did not respect her enough to give her space to grow on her own. She could barely have friends without approval and rarely had time to visit them because he needed her home whenever he was home.
During our time together she learned what it means to be respected in a relationship. I always treat her as an equal. It did not matter what roles we took on; it did not matter that I was in fact her boss; she always felt as an equal and fully respected with me. She would see how I treated my own wife, and the love and respect that I gave her. My love would see that you can be respected within your marriage. That her spouse should push her to be her best self. That her opinions matter, and she can be listened to.
My love was never really supported. You can understand that if she were never looked at as an equal, and always as a supporting role that it would be difficult for her to be truly supported by her husband to be her best self. It just doesn’t come natural to him to treat her in a way that allows her to follow her own passions. Although he would never admit it he operated under very patriarchal terms.
When she was with me she could clearly see the difference. I was always pushing her to be whatever she wanted to be. To push herself and pursue her dreams. When she wanted to follow a career path that was idealistic, I was thrilled she was following her dreams. Her husband would only comment on the negative elements. On how it inconvenienced him. During her entire job pursuit she was constantly leaning on me to help her get through it. To help build her confidence. Her husband was not really vested in her pursuing it. I was genuinely proud of her, and knew she could accomplish anything. He gave limited support, and gave mainly patronizing comments which tore down her confidence. I honestly doubt she would have done it without me.
If there is one thing unique about my love it is her desire to be known. Fully known. I have never known anyone quite like this before. But her personality type is of such that it is really easy for her to be walked all over in her pursuit to help people. Because of this she has secret fears that she will become unknown and hidden. She has many parts of herself that she keeps buried, and she often feels shame for. She has told her husband most of them at one point or another, and before we met she would honestly tell me that he fully knew her. It wasn’t true. She would tell him things, but he would not understand, not listen, or worse, not support the way she was.
Then I came along, and started asking her deeper and deeper questions. Delving into the recesses of her mind that no one had been before. Helping her explore her own mind. It was a very intense experience. We nearly became one, and could usually predict the others actions and thoughts. Her mind is beautiful, and the way it works is fascinating. She had never felt that way before. She had never felt someone know her so well. To really get how she ticks, and why she ticks. To follow her into her deepest part of herself, and while I’m there to accept her for who she is.
It felt wonderful to know her so well, and to be in touch with those parts of her that she shares with no one. In fact she cannot share them with anyone. They must be discovered. Her husband does not explore her mind. He does not even know how. I am able to discover them with ease, and with every new discovery was more beauty. Her mind is more beautiful than I could’ve ever imagined when we started becoming friends. She feels completely open with me. We can talk about anything. ANYTHING. Her full self is completely exposed, understood, known, and accepted.
One thing I found is that my love has some peculiar sexual desires. You may not believe this, but they are the same peculiar sexual desires that I have – except in reverse. For everything I want to control, she wants to be controlled. And I mean everything – we are exactly in step. From the way I touch her to the words I say to the games I play she is at one with me in a way that I’ve never imagined could happen with any woman. I honestly feel sometimes like I’m living in a dream. Her desire is both intense, frequent, and creative. She is one of the most desirous women I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. And what she wants is exactly, 100% what I have to give. One simple touch by me turns her into my doll.
However, you have to understand we rarely get to experience these, and never to a complete understanding because we are both married. Her husband does not understand this about her at all. He does not understand how she operates. He does not understand her desires or at worse condemns them. His understanding is at such a primitive level it astounds me. He is married to a custom made Ferrari of a woman, and he can barely drive a Civic. For years (their entire marriage) she has been keeping the sexual spark alive by creating her own fantasy world in her head, and inviting him in for his bit part. It was exhausting and draining, and he added almost no value to the endeavor. She would often end up crying in the bathroom after in shame – for years. She finally started asking him to carry some of the weight. To show her that he desires her. Ever since that point it has been a miserable failure, and even he has had to face that their entire sexual history has been with him being horrible at it and her compensating for him. He rarely even makes her feel beautiful! Only when she specifically asks him will he even comment on her beauty. A woman like my love needs to hear it everyday. For she truly is beautiful. She needs to be desired and adored.
One thing I know for sure is that she is a very sexual being. It is a big part of her and has been for a long time. She cannot continue with a man who does not understand this. She needs someone who can be in her head. That person is me. From far away I am in her head. I live there and make her feel known, loved and allow her to completely release. She does not need to make up fantasies with me. She does not need to draw me a map. I take her with me as I explore the depths of her mind both intellectually and sexually. For both of us our biggest sexual organ is our brain. It is a must. It is so beautiful I cannot describe.
When it comes to a relationship there should be a natural give and take where both people feel loved and cared for. When I am with my love I am always working to put her needs above my own, and I can see and feel that she is always doing the same for me. It’s beautiful and wonderful and we both can feel the love from the other.
When she is with her husband it is not so. He will tell you he puts her needs first but he does not. His needs, desires, and ideas always trump hers. He doesn’t even see it because he is so sure of himself. Of course she would agree with him, he thinks, because his idea is the most logical and practical. He is caught up completely in his own world in which she gives all to make him happy. Happy he is, which means he has little he needs to give to her and he cannot understand what she needs anyway. Even when she draws him a map.
My love is a very intelligent and artistic woman. She has many talents and is smart enough to do nearly anything. But what she loves most of all is art and to help people. Those are the things she dreams for herself. Her husband will give lip service to those but he does not help her pursue them. Especially if it required sacrifice on his end. He would not hear of it. He would talk down to her about it being difficult. She needs to be with someone who can push her to pursue her dreams. She cannot be forever fighting within her own marriage for every little thing. She will suffocate and disappear.
It’s really hard for me on this one. I’ve worked with her for three years, and have seen how ridiculously intelligent, and talented she is. She could run many organizations. Everyone from the President of our company on down has complete respect for her intelligence, and the way she deals with people. No one wanted to see her leave. I’ve rarely seen so many people in such high positions want to work with one person so much. She is really really REALLY smart. Yet she is hardly appreciated in her own marriage for her intelligence. Perhaps he is jealous he does not live up to her. It doesn’t matter. You do not knock your spouse down to build yourself up. It’s wrong. Perhaps he is just so cocky he doesn’t even know that she’s much smarter than he is. He is condescending to her and to her intelligence. This part really bothers me. I constantly remind her how smart, and capable she is. With my support she has been able to transform her life in spite of her husband.
My love is an intuitive introvert like myself. That comes with a lot of special needs. She needs to be allowed to be herself. If she is always surrounded by a strong dominating personality she will never be able to blossom. She will always be put in a place where her dreams must be put on hold.
She also needs space. Quiet time. When she is with her husband he does not understand her need to recharge. It’s imperative to her. Yet he walks all over it all the time and never even notices. It keeps her drained much of the time.
When my love is with me we do quiet time together. It’s what we both need and we respect eachother for it. It’s really lovely. We move at a different pace. A pace that keeps us both happy even though it’s not 100mph like our extroverted spouses.
I will end by saying that I love his woman with all my heart. She is such an amazing person. A great mother, wife, sister, employee, and friend. She makes me so happy and flames a fire of passion and romance that I did not think I had. For it had been shut down for so long. She makes me exceedingly happy and I want to spend the rest of my days with her; to push her to be all she can be; to enjoy the richness she brings to life; to follow the passions; to understand her and to be understood by her. She is so important to me.