Description and Opinion
I’ve dubbed her husband H. If you want to picture H you can picture an oaf. He is rather large, of average height, and rather not in shape. He keeps his hair cut with a goofy line of bangs right across his forehead and rarely takes the time to dress in anything beyond a plain t-shirt. Appearance isn’t his specialty. Not that Meredith is vain, but she likes it when someone is well put together. At least try to be desirable. She is way too hot for him anyway. Even Wife noticed that and shared her observation with me.
H is smart though. A classically trained pianist. He used piano to pay his way through a small expensive private college. I don’t know how he did in college, probably decent. However his ego and vocabulary over shine his actual intelligence. Whether he is right about something or not he will speak about it confidently, directly and filled with ridiculously over the top vocabulary. He comes across as very pretentious.
His world is black and white. Right and wrong. No in between and no imagination. Combine that with his sheer magnitude of confidence and you have a world class ass. He views himself as a polymath – capable of doing anything if he puts his mind to it. ANYTHING. Can you imagine the ego it must take to really think you can do anything? Well he has it. If he fails at anything he just needs to try harder or study harder. Because he is that fucking smart!
Meredith has been trying to explain to him why things with me are different. About personalities and how I really get her and can get in her head. He only hears part of what she says, and then claims he too can do all of what she says. He can simply will himself into a different personality if he so desires because he can do anything. There are some personalities which are naturally creative and imaginative, such as mine or Meredith, H is not one of them. He requires detailed steps and blueprints. Otherwise it cannot be done. Meredith has countless examples of this. Yet he thinks he can be imaginative. He thinks he can be creative. I’m sure he thinks he can be a woman if he just applies himself. I don’t even…
He is a doctor as is my wife. He couldn’t get into any US schools so he went to a foreign program. When he was back in the US applying for residency he didn’t match with his preferred speciality and had to take a backup. He ended up at a sub-par residency program. All of this points to the fact that he really isn’t as amazing as he tries to appear. My wife was accepted to a US school, graduated top 5, got her preferred specialty, and her #1 residency program. She became chief, and now is chief of her clinic. Yet H has the audacity to talk down to Wife. He regularly would mansplain things to her which was hard for Wife to take. She would take it with a smile because she knows Meredith and I were friends, but can you imagine? I’m not saying he’s not a good doctor or didn’t get a quality education, but in every possible way Wife is a better doctor than H, yet he still feels superior enough to make her listen to him.
On top of all that he is an incredibly lucky bastard. He met Meredith at a perfect time. He was smart enough to hang onto her. His future plans of being a doctor were attractive to her, and his confidence was also very attractive. She wouldn’t find out until later that confidence alone is not enough of a quality in a man. He had no real control on his confidence, and no sense of how to use it.
Can you imagine that I was trying so hard to be friends with this guy?! It was never going to happen. I was kidding myself. Everything about him annoys me. I’ve never been able to handle such arrogance in a person. He is difficult to be around.
Is Meredith not aware of what an ass he is? Maybe not. She seems to get along with him somehow which is beyond me, and maybe all her friends don’t tell her to her face what they really think. I don’t know. I know I didn’t tell her this all quite as bluntly as I’m doing here. On the other hand he doesn’t have many friends, and most of their marriage they have not lived near her friends.
Maybe I’m crazy, but I just worry that if she can get along so well with him then what does that mean for us? Do I need to be someone different? Is she going to expect certain arrogant qualities from me? Or is she totally fed up with him and I will be a breath of fresh air? Because I am nothing like him.
Technology is also a big thing for H. He loves Apple and all things tech. He even had a gig putting tech solutions together for rich old people. His tech focus is what got Meredith and me into a heap of trouble.
Discovering the Affair
The first time he caught us I already explained. He found our messages on the shared computer while he was changing out a hard drive. Oops. That wasn’t so bad except it turned on his radar to watch Meredith and me more closely. Oh and he got to see first hand how I can navigate his wife’s mind in ways he can never do (however he thinks he can: see above).
The next time he found we were calling each other frequently by looking at the phone bill because they were low on minutes (yes he bought a cheap limited minutes phone plan). He saw my number pop up and matched it up with her commute times. That led him to look at her computer, and he found a couple of shared Pinterest boards. They were not good. Lingerie and such. That didn’t go well. We shut it down fast, but it was too late.
The next thing we tried was a couple of shared Evernote notebooks. We could write in them together in order to send messages back and forth. Well he found a way to get to her Evernote pages and downloaded all of them as PDF to keep as backup. They were VERY incriminating. Lots of talk about sexual adventures, desires, and futures together. I was really worried he was going to send them to Wife. That would’ve ended things right there for Wife and me. But he didn’t. He also didn’t really punish Meredith.
He was really good at finding hidden communication, and apparently felt the need to look all the time as he never gave Meredith much privacy in her life. I didn’t know most of that, but I think his control over her started well before my time. Either way he found the material, and I felt really bad about it. It must have crushed the poor guy. To see your wife writing such loving things to another man, and talking about a future without him in it. I felt really bad.
He made Meredith take the Wickr app off her phone. He was sure we were using that to communicate after he read the Evernote notes. He was right. For awhile she would download it new each morning and delete it each afternoon but that was a lot of trouble.
Slowly he was squeezing us. Doing everything possible to stop us from any communication. Monitoring her every move. He knew she was cheating on him, but he swore she was going to have to leave him. He wasn’t kicking her out. She agreed to work on their marriage, but she was still communicating with me. H gave her dozens of tries. I don’t know why. I suppose he knows he’s in over his head with a woman like Meredith. Mostly he just blames me which makes it easier for him to continue loving his wife.
Meredith and I were going to write journals to each other over the summer while we were away. I wrote her nearly everyday in the little black journal. Right up to the day I started this blog. Maybe I’ll post some entries here. She never did write me. She was too scared of him finding it. She had nowhere private to keep anything. Which honestly is a bit scary to me. As an introvert I need my space. I need to express thoughts that may not be popular with my spouse. Most of the time it’s not threatening. Meredith had no space.
We eventually found that FaceTime audio was nearly untraceable. That turned out to be a good medium for us. But it was extremely hard to coordinate. We did fine with it, but we found we needed more. I had what I called a nuclear option. I had my own website at one point with its own email server. I setup an account we could share. The same login and password. The password I used was one that was an extremely common password at work for a particular program Meredith and I used frequently. There would be no need to write down the password because we both knew it instinctively. H would find it if we had written it down somewhere.
By July I had asked her if she was ever going to use the account. She had forgotten about it. It was so private and so secure that, once she started, she wrote her heart into it, and some rather dirty stories of our times together. Then the unthinkable happened. H found it and read them all. I have no idea how! How could he have known the address? She only accessed it on private browsing. The password would have been foreign to him. Yet he did find it, and we shut it down.
Either Meredith made a mistake somewhere along the way and forgot or he had some sort of key logging software on her computer. To this day I don’t know. A part of me blames Meredith. As in there must be some way she allowed us to get caught either intentionally or unintentionally. Maybe she has been sabotaging our efforts. It’s very unlikely and not a nice thing to think, but how did he possibly know? I saved that last option until there was nothing left, and we were extremely careful about it.
After the email server was discovered we switched to phone calls exclusively. Until we finally just shut it all down until next April.
What I find amazing through this whole thing is the sheer number of times H uncovered our communication. Over and over he figured it out. Over and over he let it slide with Meredith. Continuing to blame it all on me. Which is fine. I’m not saying I’m right here, but I find it odd he puts almost no blame on her.
They are going to counseling now. Meredith is giving him her focus. He is still with her and I’m no longer. I suppose at this point his strategy is winning. Maybe it will win forever. I don’t know.