The final installment. We last ended with an epic rendezvous in a hotel room. The following week was her final week at work. That next Friday she was gone. I couldn’t say goodbye to her at work so we went for a walk. We hugged and kissed and cried away from everyone. It was the last time I saw her, held her, or kissed her.
Then I let her go. She was going to happy hour with some girls from another department. I was too much of a wreck to go with her.
That was mid-May. We haven’t seen each other in person since then. Over the next four months we would have phone sex; Skype sex; sexting; regular phone call check ins; at least three times we attempted to take breaks; and many ups and downs emotionally. It was hard. I was tempted to drive down and see her. We would’ve had sex so I’m glad I didn’t. Amazingly each time we talked it was less and less about sex and more and more about our friendship. The part we missed the most.
The breaks from each other were hard. We both knew we needed them. The distance to be able to see our own marriages more clearly. But they were really hard. The first week you just feel intense pain. Sadness and grief at the loss. You fall into a funk of mild depression. Basic activities become difficult. You’re a real peach to be around. More volatile and emotional. Of course you can’t tell anyone why.
Then after about a week your brain plays tricks on you. It begins to tell you that they don’t need you. They moved on once you weren’t there. Over the weekend they hung out with their spouse and children and had a good time. Why does this person need you at all? Of course it’s not true. It was never true, but you start thinking it anyway. Blaming yourself for being the fool. You want to call but you can’t. She might be with him. So you wait and let the thoughts continue to build.
The first time we only lasted a week. In July we lasted almost two weeks. Then Meredith called me desperately. I couldn’t answer for a few hours, and she left a message that she was upset that I was avoiding her and that I had moved on. You see? We both had the same fears. It’s strange. Of course I hadn’t changed in the slightest, and was eventually able to call her back.
At this point I haven’t spoken with her since the 14th of November. Tomorrow will kick off the longest stretch that Meredith and I have gone without talking since December 2012. Four years ago.
This time it’s sticking. I don’t know what is different. I can’t explain it, but it is. For both of us. I know she is hurting and grieving now as I am. I feel bad she can’t share it with anyone because our relationship was a secret. We have to do it alone.
Several of you are probably thinking “Well is this it? Did you end it?” Not exactly. We are taking a long and complete break from each other. We are on break until April. Then we will check in. That gives us five months with no one whispering things in our ears. Five months to focus on our families. So, no, it’s not completely over. But if you see what the brain does in two weeks wait and see what it does with five months!
According to many of the marriage experts what I should do is either end my marriage or completely get rid of Meredith. Otherwise there is a bridge. I understand that, but life is often more complicated than that. I really do want to see what April holds. There is a reason for that which is somewhat medical.
I don’t want to extend this forever. Having an affair with a person that you only have a phone call with twice a year is no way to live. At some point we will decide to end it or move forward. April will be our first check. I just need this one backup check. We haven’t been completely apart in four years. I want to give my marriage a chance but also check in on Meredith in a few months.
If we get to April and it’s obvious that after five months of not being part of each others lives we are still madly in love and our marriages are not improving then we may in fact start moving toward each other. If, on the other hand, one of us has a change of heart with the time to think about things then we will end it completely. I do believe that once you call it quits you need to make it complete. That other person just becomes a memory from the past.
It’s kind of crazy the feelings I have. Being in love with two women, and knowing I can only have one. Even though I know it’s fully possible Wife and I could work it out, if we get to April and Meredith tells me she doesn’t want to see my anymore I will be crushed. I can barely stand the thought. I’m sure she is scared and feeling the same way.
From here until April I will be focusing on Wife. In fact I may go see a sex positive therapist to discuss all this with. Not to say you all haven’t been helpful, but I could probably use some professional help here as well. My heart is definitely leading the charge here and totally overpowering my brain. I can feel it. I know it’s happening, and I find myself for the first time completely helpless to its powers. So I will try to go see someone who can possibly help out.