Conversation with Wife’s Sister

Today we spent at a birthday party for Wife’s sister’s kid. Spent much of the day around my in-laws. It’s a nice group. I really do like my sister in law. She’s always a bit of a mystery, but we get along well. She’s the only one business oriented for me to talk to.

Wife’s sister married later and jumped right to having kids. But she didn’t wait to have sex. She was having sex in college. Overall she’s a very straight laced person, but she knows how to have fun. That’s a real difference between Wife and her sister. Wife never really unwinds. Never breaks a rule. Never gets caught off guard, and wouldn’t really know how to let go.

There was a conversation between the two sisters many years ago, let’s see probably 8 years ago now, where they started talking about sex. My wife needed someone to confide in because she has a hard time enjoying sex, but she didn’t see it that way. She thought all women were like her, and I just needed to deal with the fact that women don’t really enjoy sex. So she talked to her sister, and her sister was not on the same page. She said she really enjoys sex. REALLY enjoys sex.

For some reason my wife relayed this to me. That made me really think about what I was missing. I thought at the time it was a watershed moment. This person who Wife trusts more than anyone, who grew up with her, has much of the same biological and nurturing makeup, was out there having lots of sex and really enjoying herself. At this point she was a couple years from marrying. That had to be a wake up call for Wife right?

Well it may have been but it didn’t change anything. She seemed a little confused by it for awhile, but we still have the same sex now as before. I don’t know why Wife feels the way she does about sex. It started with rules she had in her head long before she met me. I think it’s also part of her personality. I mean she’s never been drunk. She has had alcohol but never close to an excessive level. She’s never played a drinking game or really cut loose. She is always very much in control. Even when I try to have her lose herself in sex with me. She can’t do it. She doesn’t even know how or understand what I’m asking for. 

Today I’m sitting in my sister in laws house thinking about that conversation 8 years ago. Thinking about lots of things related to it. I’m still in a marriage with a woman who doesn’t enjoy sex. I’m still in a marriage with a woman who will never be able to let go and enjoy the sex I want to enjoy. Even though Meredith is in my life this has been a problem for ages. My SIL is still hot as hell and happily married because her husband is getting great sex. (Yes I know there are hundreds of other reasons but he is getting that). Wife’s brother is dating a semi-crazy chick who I’m sure is very sexually adventurous. Except for the grandparents I’m like the only one not with a woman who has great sex.

I know for many this all sounds very petty. But when you’re in a marriage like this for many many years even these little things become big things. The conversation 8 years ago reminds me of how long I’ve been dealing with this in a way that Wife is at least aware.

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10 thoughts on “Conversation with Wife’s Sister

  1. Okay, this isn’t a serious question and I don’t want you to answer but I have to ask anyway. Where the hell do you live? Between this post and the last one I’m wondering if you’re Amish and you went English. Or perhaps you were raised Mormon. Not the Jack Mormon kind either. The I-Don’t-Drink-Caffeine-Or-Alcohol-And-I-Went-On-My-Mission-And-I-Love-BYU-And-No-Sex-Before-Marriage-So-Let’s-Get-Married-At-Age-18 kind. Maybe you were simply a very strict Pentecostal or Southern Baptist. You mentioned living in the US so I don’t think you’re in some oppressive, conservative country where premarital sex can get you killed which leads me to wonder where on earth all these women are encountering men who won’t have sex with them and why you’re always so amazed by women who like to have sex.

    I grew up in the Midwest. Presbyterian. I lost my virginity in high school and I’m 99% certain that all of my friends lost theirs as well then. We also had a lot of sex in college. I can’t recall a single time I encountered a guy who turned me down and I don’t recall any of my friends ever telling me about guys who wouldn’t have sex with them either. I’m very curious as to what kind of a culture you came from that this has ever been a thing, although again, I’m not expecting an answer.

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    1. Ha! Not a problem. No I’m not Amish or Mormon. Far from it. Believe it or not I live in one of the major cities on the West Coast. I went to college at a major State school. Lived in a fraternity. The works. Very normal average guy myself, except for one thing. I grew up in a very small town in the middle of nowhere, and was a bit of a nerdy geek. Only had one girlfriend in high school that lasted over a year until right before I left for college. She was the same though as Wife though.

      ALL the girls I’ve dated, including Mistress, were Lutheran. I’m not sure how that plays into it because I’m not. I’m none of the above actually, although we attend a Lutheran church now. Also, later, in my 20’s I became much less of a geek. I’m in great shape too, and have always had a focus on looking sharp. But I grew up that way, so perhaps it influences how I see the world.

      Wife and the girlfriend in high school just had very strict moral codes, and very naive views on relationships. Neither were going to have sex before marriage. That was their goal. With Wife, even when we did eventually have sex she just couldn’t get into it. Still has trouble. I don’t know why, something in the way she was raised. She never even drank a beer until she was 21. Her parents were very normal, wine or beer every night, lots of friends and parties. But I started dating her at 19 so I didn’t get a lot of experience with other women after that.

      It’s not that I didn’t know or see women who loved sex, and were able to let go and live life. I lived in a Fraternity – I saw them every Thursday through Saturday night (the same nights Wife was studying). I loved it – but it was from afar. Because I had a girlfriend. So I just listened to stories from the guys. I thought I was doing right, and nabbed a good one who would go on to higher education and everything would just work itself out. I mean that’s what every marriage expert says. Just love them, and the sex will be great. Bullshit.

      Now Mistress, that’s another story. I didn’t say this in the post, but she’s pretty sure her high school boyfriend of several years turned out to be gay. I mean he would hardly touch her. She said it was all very weird, but his family was great and she loved hanging out with them so she stayed with him until she left for college. I don’t know what happened in college. I mean I’ve never heard of a beautiful woman having men turn her down either, but it happened. She was only single for a brief period though, and not every guy turned her down, but they got what they wanted first (blowjob). Maybe she was feeling so dejected from her high school experience she was somehow scaring them or something. I don’t know. But it did eventually work out for her.

      When I mean women who love sex I mean that Mistress is at one end of the spectrum, and Wife is at the other. Wife could literally live the rest of her life with no sex and be fine with it. Mistress has a hard time going an entire morning or afternoon without sex. We had sex three times in 4 hours one day. I don’t know, maybe that’s normal somewhere, but not what I see from most statistics & stories. Either way, Wife’s reactions to sex are not normal, and are killing me.

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  2. Ok, no revelations here! Oh well.

    My interaction with other women has led me to the same conclusion as your wife. Most women don’t enjoy sex.

    Women will “enjoy” sex to ensnare a man (in their defense I don’t think they do this consciously). But once they get the commitment they cool down. And that cool down eventually transforms into aversion. And then flat out denial. This process increases with age…

    So here I am a woman, but absolutely voracious sexually. Yes I am the weirdo but I can understand acutely what men like you go through, since somehow I ended up married to one of the few sexless men on the planet.

    Anyway, chin up my dear.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah that’s it. I know it’s not all women, but I don’t think it’s uncommon either. For my wife it never even started great. But I felt so guilty pushing her to have sex before marriage it just seemed that once we crossed that line it would be better. Nope. So we faced it as a couple, she has a problem and we need to address it. Patience. Kept going, it would improve mildly. Then another life change. More Patience. Rinse, repeat. It’s the same as it was 16 years ago.

      You, on the other hand, are much more like Mistress. You need sex. So does she. I can’t believe your luck in marrying a man who doesn’t. That’s bad luck right there! Reading your posts are very interesting in that I do feel like we are in a similar situation, but from a woman’s perspective it’s a different type of problem.

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  3. Wow, I’m really sad to note that we are in the same boat. Seems my wife will never enjoy sex either. Funny, she asked her sister for advice in this regard, but her sister’s answer basically reinforced her feelings that women don’t enjoy sex.

    My limited experience with other women has shown me that many do enjoy it though. I get the feeling that culture plays a role, it tends to be perpetuating the myth that sex is for male enjoyment, sadly, this is even a greater problem in religious communities.

    Anyways, looks like you and I have a long road ahead of us.

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    1. Oh maybe I misspoke. Her sister said the opposite. Her sister actually DOES enjoy sex. She LOVES it. So it put Wife more out on a island.

      Yes we do. I’m still not really sure what to do in the long run. But I need to be patient now. Enjoying writing about it and reading other’s ideas and solutions.

      Liked by 1 person

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