How Important is Sex?

The topic of sex dominates our pop culture. We are a society that seems driven by sex. The lust for more. Yet when it comes to affairs the solutions hardly ever mention sex. I find this very confusing. 

In the case of an affair one partner felt the need to stray outside of their marriage for sexual satisfaction. The experts pin reasons on many things from lack of emotional connections to poor communication within a marriage. They look at things like depression and sharing of household duties. Very rarely, however, is the topic just about sex. What if it was about the sex? Is that not an important enough reason? Why is it not first in the list of reasons considering how much it dominates our culture? What about non-monogamous relationships? Is there not a need for sex in those?

I heard this joke recently (sorry can’t recall the source) where they were laughing about how no one in the mattress world uses sex to sell mattresses. They use science; bowling balls; medical diagrams of spines; cutting them in half. Nearly every other product being sold uses sex to sell but not the one thing that people are usually using for sex! It struck me as pretty funny. Then I got to thinking, are affairs the same way? They are all about sex, but when analyzed sex always drops out of the list of reasons. 

Considering statistics of late showing that most people have some form of non-normative sex it would seem that types of sex could be an issue. Not all sex or sexual partners are created equal. Perhaps for a large majority of people there are common threads about communication and other factors leading to libido and availability to their partners, but being available does not cover types of sex.

When you look at personalities it really concerns me. On the Myers Brigg types, guardians make up a large percentage of the population. In some cases, such as the type my wife is, the percentage of just one type is so large among women as to have a large cultural influence on what is considered acceptable in society. On the other hand my type makes up less than 2% of the population. Are people like me even being represented in these assumptions on things like sex and affairs? I fear we are not. 

Looking at how my wife views sex, and then reading these solutions to affairs I can clearly see how they would work for her. It’s a no brainer. She doesn’t need sex. She needs an emotional connection. She needs me to listen to her and make her feel special. Then she will give me somewhat more sex. She will at least acknowledge she should even if she can never seem to find the time. But you see it’s not the frequency of the sex I’m concerned with. 

Also consider spouses who are not very into sex. Maybe once a week/month is all they really desire. If both partners don’t feel that way who is supposed to give? 

Now consider both cases. The case of one spouse wanting non-normative sex while the other doesn’t, and the case where one spouse wants much more frequent sex than the other. In both cases is it right for the spouse who does not want those things to give in? Would that not build resentment over time? Or worse, for the spouse putting the pressure on, a feeling of guilt and shame for pushing their partner beyond enjoyment. Because I have to tell you, although I want my wife to do all kinds of sexual fantasies with me, on the rare occasions she actually tries, it feels so absolutely shitty to me afterward. She didn’t want it. Her heart wasn’t in it. She played a role without feeling any of it. It was empty for both of us – driving us apart rather than together. 

Now I turn back to the original question because I am very confused. How important is sex? When you think of your marriage, your spouse or your ex-spouse, how much of an impact does sex have on you two being together or not together? If communication were perfect, if you felt an emotional connection, how much of your problems would be left to sex alone? Because at the end of the day the only person we are allowed by society to have sex with regularly is our spouse. Just that one person. 

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12 thoughts on “How Important is Sex?

  1. If communication were perfect and there was an emotional connection, I doubt that sex would be an issue with any couple. If sex didn’t happen, then affection would. I need affection and attention as much or more than I need sex. Affection tells me that I am valuable to her, that I am special, that she wants to be close to me. Affection might get me to the point of wanting to jump her, but it also just may take me to the point of just wanting to hold her and be with her. It’s acceptance. It’s a way to honor and respect your spouse. When you give it to someone else outside of your marriage, you are disrespecting your spouse — and it will show.

    My wife started withholding sex from me over ten years ago, long enough ago that I can’t exactly say when the last time was. Withholding affection, even a good morning goodbye peck on the cheek, followed shortly after. She didn’t have to tell me that she doesn’t respect me and does not feel important that she honors me — it was crystal clear without her saying it. When I finally confronted her about the cold bedroom, it was no surprise when she actually said that she does not respect me.

    How is that for a long answer to your questions? LOL

    Liked by 5 people

    1. I hear this a lot. Sex is a byproduct of communication and emotional connection. I worked on that for years and thought I was really happy. But the sex was always lackluster. We have very different views on sex and I don’t think more communication or love is going to solve it.

      But I am sorry to hear about your marriage. I don’t think I would be able to take that response well either.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish I had the time to write all I’m thinking right now … but I will leave you with this:
    As a woman the emotional connection and trust comes first. If you think she doesn’t know that something is up then you are sorely mistaken. Secondly, if she is willing to try and be there for your needs than you should appreciate and encourage it, you might find a middle ground that works if you stop deciding for her that she doesn’t want or like any of it! You seem to be the one not giving it a chance, from what your describing she’s willing to at least try. Perhaps the reason it feels hollow starts with you ….
    When I started this with my husband we were coming from two very different views of sex, and YES He did start off doing it for my sake. I appreciated the effort and eventually we found a place where we are both happy. As He learns and grows so too does our dynamic. If I had decided for Him that He wasn’t into it and didn’t give Him the opportunity to try, even just for my sake, than we wouldn’t be where we are now.
    One thing you can believe for sure is that if she really didn’t want to, she wouldn’t. So what if she’s only doing it to please you, that’s what being a submissive is all about anyway.
    There really is a lot more I want to say, but here’s the Cole’s notes of it for now. 😀 I’m really in a hurry so if I come off short I apologize. I’m hoping to get back to this later …

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    1. I see where you are coming from but this has been going on for YEARS! At least 16 years she has made clear that she is not interested. That she has no fantasies, and does not want to entertain the type of sex I crave. Has she been trying a little more lately, yes. But on the scale of fantasies she’s at like a 2 out of 10 now. And I will tell you she does not enjoy being pushed and I hate having to push her, but at this rate I would 112 before we get to the good stuff.

      You gave your dom an opportunity to try. I have done so as well. Many times over for many years. I have been shit down and denied for all that time. She does not want to be a submissive. Even now she is not doing those things for us, but just for me. To make me happy. She doesn’t get any joy out of it. And you say being a submissive is only to please me but you know that’s not true. Submissives get as much joy out of submitting as dominates get from dominating. They are co-dependent roles. I can feel that joy and energy as a Dominant and there is none from wife.

      I know you are really busy lately and I appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment. I hope this doesn’t come off as harsh. I just get really frustrated hearing that I need to give more and there is a middle ground. I’m telling you there is no middle ground here. We are very far apart, and I’ve been giving for so long. Depressingly long.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. You don’t sound harsh, you sound frustrated, tired and likely hurt if I had a guess … I’m the forever optimist and I’m looking for solutions. If there is none, or none I want to give in to then I walk away. I’m not saying that’s what you should do, that choice is yours to make.
        You’re right submission is not just to please the dominant but it certainly is a big part of it, pleasing my husband pleases me in ways I had no idea would happen. I guess I was hoping for your sake if you started with that it would grow into more …

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      2. Walking away may be the right choice. I have to wait a bit for that and I’m going to try to get us into counseling before that. We will see.

        I think you nailed it “pleasing my husband pleases me…” Although Wife does enjoy pleasing me it is not through sexual submission. When she entertains submissive acts for me she sees them more as a duty and doesn’t feel pleased with it.

        Let me tell you I’ve been hoping for years that it would grow! You know for our honeymoon I bought her some risqué lingerie to wear and she decided not to pack it. Didn’t see the value. I had al these visions of crazy sex and fantasies we could do together. She had none of those and guess who won?

        Wow you’re right again, I am frustrated. Just talking about this gets me frustrated. You know if you take sex out of the equation we have a pretty great marriage. Which is essentially really great parents, friends and roommates.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. How important is sex? Well as we both unfortunately know by now, it depends on the person. To your wife sex doesn’t sound important. To my husband sex is most definitely not important. As unethical as it is to cheat, it is equally unethical to force your spouse into a state of involuntary celibacy or near celibacy.

    Where I diverge from your vantage point is perhaps on the kinkiness. Despite being very kinky at heart I was willing to forgo any and all kinkiness for even the most basic, quick, one sided vanilla sex he might provide. But he couldn’t, or wouldn’t do it.

    Then I took it a notch down and asked him to just hold my hand or put his arm around me once a week. He never did that either. That’s around the point I started cheating.

    It is funny how the pitchfork crowd will tell you, just keep your pants on and be nice to your wife. If only it were so simple. What if you NEED sex. Like you need food and water. A lot of people don’t understand that for some people sex is a true NEED, not an indulgent want. I was once talking to a guy who kept referring to sex as “fun.” I finally told him, it’s not fun! It’s life or death.

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  4. I am not afraid to admit I need sex, does that make me a bad person in that I need the physical contact of another person (well a man). I have lived without it in the past and honestly I thought I could but in the end it just it didn’t work out. I do not agree that cheaters are bad people either, they are fulfilling something that is missing for them and in relationships all relationships it’s a partnership and if one isn’t delivering for whatever reason it becomes a struggle. Yes I have cheated in the past and been cheated on and in the cold light of day and hindsight after all the emotion and ramifications have been dealt with neither party was blameless.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Marriage and monogamy are flawed constructs of society. They operate in opposition to our hardwiring as a species, for exactly the reasons you point out. I succumbed to the traditional marriage role until my husband’s affair. Now that I’m out on my own and looking at my actual needs without the filter of society’s rules? Monogamy isn’t for me. I will probably never try to fit back into that box. It was a mistake to try it in the first place. I’m much more at peace with myself now than I was while I was married – I just didn’t realize that’s what the issue was. Hubs did me a favor, in the end.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I’m not sure if it truly goes against our wiring, as there are plenty of people satisfied with monogamy. Most women I know barely want the one partner they have!

      As for myself I began having more than one lover because otherwise I got too obsessive. But at heart I’d prefer just one man.

      Like

    2. I think I’m a little between you and trouble in this one. I think monogamy works very well for a lot of people. Where we run into problems is assuming it’s the one answer for everyone. There are reasons society would want to promote monogamy and I understand, but there are other flexible options for those whom it doesn’t work. Frankly I feel trapped in a construct that doesn’t work.

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