Walk in My Shoes

There is a common hatred among the general public against people who cheat. It is as if cheaters are a class of their own, and not worthy of any love or sympathy. Almost a feeling of them being born that way. As if you can just tell who a cheater is before it happens and scorn them.

That is rarely the case though. Most of us are decent human beings who found ourselves in situations we never thought possible. Once it happens you are forever labeled a cheater. Marked for life. No redemption. A mistake that won’t go away.

Before I ended up in the cheating camp I felt the same way. The institution of marriage is important to me, and I felt ill will toward anyone who engages in extra marital affairs. How could a person do that? They have no self control. I, of course, have infinite patience and self control so that will never happen to me. Or so I thought.

One of the reasons I started writing this blog was to show that side. To show those who think of cheaters in black and white that there is a shade of gray. That we are not all monsters, and dealing with the emotions on this side of the equation is no small matter either. I wish that it were simple, but it is turning out to be extremely complicated.

The human brain is a tricky thing. It plays games with you. Emotions and hormones take over and change you. Things you never thought you would be capable of doing become acceptable. You yearn for it, and downplay the negative ramifications. The reality you live by changes.

In my case everything started innocently enough, but at some point a change took place. We went from friends to more than friends. It didn’t happen overnight. Gradually little things changed until we found ourselves full fledged into an affair. Neither of us intended for it to happen or wanted it to happen, but we also were not strong enough to stop it from happening.

Imagine yourself staring a dream right in the eye. A dream you’ve had for decades with almost no hope of reaching. Now it is before you with no one stopping you from reaching out to grab it. The temptation is strong. Stronger than most of us are capable of resisting. You know that if you don’t take this opportunity you may never see it again. In fact it is very likely you will not.

That was where I found myself several months ago. Face to face with a dream that made my heart race. It made me tingle with excitement. Tunnel vision sets in. The wild nature within your body takes over. It’s an incredibly intoxicating feeling that is impossible to just let go. You find that you can’t walk away or look away.

In the deep recesses of your mind you know what you are doing is wrong. You know at some level how bad this is, but your brain plays tricks on you. It downplays the negative. It separates you from those future consequences. Even though you can read a blog or an article showing the negative consequences you find it difficult to apply them to yourself.

I don’t know if all affairs are this way. I’m sure many are, especially the ones with emotional attachment, but mine was this way. Now it is done, and I’m still somewhat under its spell. I will never be the same. After learning what I learned about myself and about Meredith I cannot unknow things. My future will now be with the reference of what could be.

That idea isn’t fair to Wife. She deserves to have an honest husband who wants what she has to give. In a couple of months we are going to start walking down that path together. I may never tell her of the affair , but with my new reference I can be honest with her about who I am. I want to take what I learned, and have a real conversation with her. A very difficult conversation about us. We can then decide together if we want to continue our marriage.

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9 thoughts on “Walk in My Shoes

  1. Agree wholeheartedly. So funny how this works. I remember condemning and looking down on cheaters for the longest time, never ever imagining I might one day be one myself. It is so easy to pass judgement when you haven’t walked a mile in someone else’s shoes. Cheaters are still people, and cheating is like any other problem, there are two sides to it and both need to be listened to.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This is such a minefield. Often I see adulterers as gays prior to the counter-cultural movement. After all: we are consenting adults. We have an intense desire for one another. But society condemns us as perverts and whores.

    All I can tell you is: this has existed since the beginning of time. You know how they say prostitution is the oldest profession? Uh uh. I think adultery is even older. And that means IT IS HUMAN.

    The wives can complain all they want but if they’re THAT mad they can go find themselves a lover. When I cheat, quite frankly, I feel I’m more honest than the rest of humanity that pretends to be so puritanical.

    For millennia humanity has struggled between two poles. Humans are not naturally monogamous (at least men aren’t) but children are best raised in monogamous (at least on the surface) families.

    What the solution is I don’t know. What I do know is I’m part of the formula.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You have a very unique way of looking at this. I can’t dispute your facts. Adultery has been around for a very long time and different cultures have found different ways of dealing with it from harems to death to just looking the other way and everything in between. Sex is important to humans.

      You know I was thinking of writing an article exploring alternatives to monogamous relationships but another blogger just did a great one. Maybe I’ll repost it. In many ways I wish I could have Wife and Mistress together, but I know it’s never ever ever going to happen.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Sexual compatibility is integral to a successful relationship. Rather it be how often you have relations or what extra curricular interest you have, we don’t know it’s problematic until its too late. I’ve been in a sexually divided relationship– he was vanilla and I was not. Our sex life was good, consistent and meaningful, but I wanted more..

    I’m enjoying your perspective– great blog!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Our brains are accomplished liars, telling us whatever we need to make ourselves happy or miserable.
    I’ve gone from being cheated on to being in an affair-ish with a married man. The circumstances don’t matter (although I tell myself they do). If his wife finds out, she’s going to feel at least some of what I felt, which is awful. And I have to accept that. I told myself emotions wouldn’t become involved. I told myself that we are just friends helping each other out. More lies from my brain that doesn’t want to stop – he’s the one who got away, and eleven years later I’m seeing what it would be like if I’d made a different choice.
    Do I think I’m a horrible human? Of course not. Would his wife, her family, maybe his family, and eventually his kids? Probably. And I have to accept that, too.

    Liked by 1 person

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