We talked again today. It was humbling and truthful. First off, we vowed that before we talk again about being together we would first work on our marriages. If they need to end then we need to focus on that alone, and end our affair completely. If, at some future date, we both find ourselves unmarried then we can talk about dating and moving forward.
We were both really in tune on this. In fact she said she knows it will take awhile and she is fine waiting. She has reconciled herself with only having one child. Which is heartbreaking because she always wanted a large family and she is a terrific mother. But she would rather have no more children than to have another one within her current marriage. She knows it might be a few years before I’m available if at all.
Mostly we both want to take care of our children. We both come from divorced families where step-parents had a big negative influence on our lives. We do not want that for our children, and we recognize that we cannot control who their step-parents would be.
Meredith was really upset about this. She talked about when she was young, and her father would not stand up for her because he didn’t want to upset his 2nd wife. He was more fearful of a second divorce than standing up for his daughter. She knows that her husband will do much the same. He will find someone safe, and do anything to make sure he never has to face divorce again. Even if it means not standing up for his own child. Meredith was in tears thinking of that.
We also want to be fair to our spouses. Having an affair in progress while you either fix or end your marriage is not healthy. We need to end our affair and let the marriages take center stage. Whatever may come of them. No more talking of the future. No more discussions of a sexual nature, and absolutely no meetups. Though we have not met up in many months anyway.
Then we spoke about our own fears of future divorces. What if things were not to work between us? What if we ended our current marriages, and this great future we hoped for didn’t pan out? It’s a fear we both have, and we know that you will never fully know until you are there. Because of this we need to make sure that we decide that our current marriages get our first priority. If they end they should end upon their own merits knowing we will be single at the end. Then we could start dating each other. I think that is a key word. Dating implies non-permanence. Any future relationships are unknown in their viability – even if we think we know.
Everyone keeps saying “the affair is a fantasy” and they may all be absolutely true. Yet there are some who work out, the statistics I have seen written about are not great. With the caveat that I have read no actual studies, and I question the validity of all those statistics. Especially with how easily they are thrown around. There is value in the nuance, and none of that I seem to be able to find actual research. Either way, it is still a concern for both of us that it might not be as great as we think it will be.
Lastly I think I need to send an apology to her husband. This one I’m still really debating. Part of me says to just stay out of it. Another part of me says the future might be better if I at least reach out and admit my mistakes to him. Honestly I feel it’s the right thing to do, but I do need to figure out the best way to do it. I fear anything in writing he will use to manipulate his wife, but a phone call will not really work either. I’ll have to think about this.
Surmise it to say, we had a good conversation. End the affair. Take care of my marriage. Move forward slowly.