Missing Meredith

It’s strange how emotions shift in a secret relationship. In a normal relationship it can be difficult to communicate feelings with someone, but when you have to keep the relationship secret with very limited communication it’s near impossible. Insecurities abound.

Even with me. I have heard from Meredith sparsely over the last week, and it has me down today. Not only does it have me down, but also questioning whether she still wants to be with me. It’s ludicrous. This has happened many times, and each time she has shown her love for me to be unbreakable. Still the feeling exists.

In fact, she has been giving me space as I deal with family issues. It is very kind of her. Plus she was moving over the weekend, and took a day or two off to wrap it up. I’m guessing she was with her husband which would make it more difficult to reach out. I’m grateful for her giving me space, and for her taking care of herself.

We haven’t spoken in over a week, and I don’t know when I will speak to her again. Why didn’t she call today? Is she trying to make this a more significant break? Is she so busy in her current life that she is not thinking of me the way I think of her? Is this week her millionth test of her husband?

I know none of that is true. There is a logical explanation, but I can’t ask it. I cannot find out. I must wait to see what she says when I do talk to her again, and I must have faith it will be soon. I need to be the confident man I am with her. Confident of how she feels, and not hung up over a gap in communication.


3 thoughts on “Missing Meredith

  1. ALL of this. I’m in the process of divorce, but my lover (who I acquired AFTER my marriage was over) is still very married. We are friends and have been for nearly two decades. When we discovered that we were in similar situations, we agreed on a friends with benefits situation. He has children (I do not) and a mentally ill wife. He can’t ever leave, and he’s constantly busy managing everyone’s lives. So logically it makes sense that he can’t text me on nights or weekends. I know that our time is dramatically limited by his schedule. Unlike me, who has nearly unlimited time for communication. But oh, how my mind lies to me when I haven’t heard from him in a few days. Has he changed his mind? Have I become yet another obligation he wants free from? Am I a bother? Is he just too polite to say he’s changed his mind?
    Which is silly, because when I do hear from him, he’s absolute magic. He completely allays my fears and makes me feel both desired and cherished. But those times in between slay me.
    I finally had to write a list of affirmations on my phone and force myself to read them before I text him. Things like, “Don’t be greedy,” “he deserves alone and family time,” “It’s not his job to entertain you,” and “He already has needy and clingy.” So far, they are helping to remind me that what we have is supposed to be light and fun. Not heavy and sad.
    And if I cry sometimes late at night because I never felt lonely in my marriage like I do now … then that’s on me. Having faith is hard. Trusting is hard. All I can do is hope that time will make it all easier.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are a friggin mess. You are married with two small children and having an affair with a friend of your wife.

    Can you even imagine this ending well?

    It is one thing to leave you marriage cause it isn’t working. It is a totally other thing to leave for someone else. It is a whole different level of assholery to leave for a friend of a spouse.

    You write about breaking hearts — but can you imagine the amount of anger and rage that will be rightly directed at you and your “love” from those around you.

    Children of divorce do the very best (which still isn’t quite as good as those from intact families) when their parents get along and co-parent well. How do you think your wife (and your mistresses’ spouse) are going to feel about each you when all this comes out?


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