…Unknown right now. I suppose I need to weigh the things that are really important to me, and figure out what that means for my future. As one commenter correctly noted many of my posts show a clear bent toward Meredith. If that is true then I need to leave my wife to be fair to her. But it’s also the novelty. I miss what I had with Meredith more than I’m thankful for what I have with Wife.
If someone could tell me that everyone will be ok. That no one’s heart will be broken. Then I do know what I want. I want Meredith. When I think of our life together it is so beautiful. The way we argue is so constructive. The sex is incredible. The lifestyle we want to live is perfectly in line. The energy level of the household will be tuned for us. The way we want to raise our family is inline. The way we understand and support each other is wonderful.
There are still many unknowns. We have never actually lived together. Our wider family units may not mesh as well. But from all we can see and all we have explored it seems like an absolutely wonderful life. A dream for me. It’s not all about sex, but even if it were, sex is a huge component of a marriage.
But the truth is hearts will be broken. Wife’s heart will be shattered. Both of my children will be effected, and if this damages them it will be on me. Meredith’s husband will be hurt, although that may happen regardless of whether I end up with her. Her child will also be effected. That is five hearts that will be primary pain recipients if Meredith and I come together. That is a lot to consider. Beyond those five are many more with in-laws and friends.
Can I be happy where I am? Can I look at the next 40 years and honestly say “Yes, that’s good enough.” Because that is what this is really about. It’s the next 40 years. I have not even lived my first 40 years, and now I’m trying to decide if I can make my current life work for the next 40. Would it be settling or is there some way to make it better than settling? Or another way to look at it: would the pain caused by leaving be more than the benefits gained?
I don’t know. Life is lived in the moments. In those day to day moments. That is where flirting happens; laughing with your children; teaching your children through your example; letting your guard down; enjoying life. They all happen in the day to day moments. Those day to day moments would be different.
This is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my life. I’m going to think about this for a while.