My Future is…

…Unknown right now. I suppose I need to weigh the things that are really important to me, and figure out what that means for my future. As one commenter correctly noted many of my posts show a clear bent toward Meredith. If that is true then I need to leave my wife to be fair to her. But it’s also the novelty. I miss what I had with Meredith more than I’m thankful for what I have with Wife. 

If someone could tell me that everyone will be ok. That no one’s heart will be broken. Then I do know what I want. I want Meredith. When I think of our life together it is so beautiful. The way we argue is so constructive. The sex is incredible. The lifestyle we want to live is perfectly in line. The energy level of the household will be tuned for us. The way we want to raise our family is inline. The way we understand and support each other is wonderful. 

There are still many unknowns. We have never actually lived together. Our wider family units may not mesh as well. But from all we can see and all we have explored it seems like an absolutely wonderful life. A dream for me. It’s not all about sex, but even if it were, sex is a huge component of a marriage. 

But the truth is hearts will be broken. Wife’s heart will be shattered. Both of my children will be effected, and if this damages them it will be on me. Meredith’s husband will be hurt, although that may happen regardless of whether I end up with her. Her child will also be effected. That is five hearts that will be primary pain recipients if Meredith and I come together. That is a lot to consider. Beyond those five are many more with in-laws and friends. 

Can I be happy where I am? Can I look at the next 40 years and honestly say “Yes, that’s good enough.” Because that is what this is really about. It’s the next 40 years. I have not even lived my first 40 years, and now I’m trying to decide if I can make my current life work for the next 40. Would it be settling or is there some way to make it better than settling? Or another way to look at it: would the pain caused by leaving be more than the benefits gained? 

I don’t know. Life is lived in the moments. In those day to day moments. That is where flirting happens; laughing with your children; teaching your children through your example; letting your guard down; enjoying life. They all happen in the day to day moments. Those day to day moments would be different.  

This is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my life. I’m going to think about this for a while. 

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “My Future is…

  1. I could have written this myself, today, at this very moment. So many of your words resonate with me it’s uncanny. From the BDSM aspects (sexual and otherwise) onwards.. only difference is that my lover and I are in communication. The juggling is so hard and quite frankly exhausting. Do I know what I want? Yes. Do I want to be the cause of so much heartache though – no. Complexity at its most devastating best. I feel for you, I truly do. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thought my comment posted but it appear to have disappeared… your words resonate with me so completely. I could have written this today, this evening, just now. That likeness of my thoughts is uncanny – even to describe my relationship with my lover as BDSM in ways beyond sexual (besides the experimentation in that regard as well). Only difference is that I’m in daily communication with him, and cannot bear to not be in contact. Do I know what I want? Absolutely. Am I ready to be the reason for complete heartache and devastation for the ancillaries involved? No. so what do I do? Day by day. It’s complexity at its worst. I feel for you, I truly truly do. Xoxo.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think WordPress was waiting for me to approve your first comment. Sorry for the delay. Thank you for your message. I wasn’t sure how this post would be received. It’s comforting to know there are others experiencing the same thing. To an uncanny level even! I wish that I could be in daily communication. Mistress gets really down when we don’t have any contact for a while. It really kills her. This whole situation sucks. As yours does too. I’m really sorry.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Oops.. sorry for duplicating my ramblings! It is comforting knowing there are others who understand. Most, of course, do not – I took to writing here often for that reason at first. It is helpful. Keep writing and know that it’s helping others 🙂 I look forward to your thoughts and will write myself this evening to channel some thoughts

        Like

  3. The hurting of the others (family members) I had contemplated for the longest time. I can say this, never leave your marriage for someone else because you don’t want to unintentionally blame the other person if doesn’t work out. I’m not saying it’s not happily ever after, nor that it will be happily ever after. It’s a 50/50 chance.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s