To date I haven’t shared much about this aspect of my relationships. I’ve alluded to it through some innuendos in other posts, but I’m going to talk about it more specifically here. I’ve never written about this so directly before. Hopefully this all makes sense.
Both Meredith and I have a need for a BDSM relationship. It is part of who we are. I don’t think it’s something either of us fully understood until becoming intimate together. Now we know. There is absolutely no question, and we are both very good at our individual roles, and also perfect for each other. This BDSM desire is something that has been part of both of us for a very long time. We could each trace it back to our high school days, and actually even earlier for her. We have always known we are different from most, but we had no real context to make sense of it. It’s not like anyone is out there teaching these things. Instead we have to learn by live fire on our own.
I’ve been thinking about this in terms of my future, and I feel that many may think a relationship like this is purely about sex. It is not. A BDSM relationship does often include sex, but that isn’t the driving factor. It is overwhelmingly a mental game of power exchange. For what Meredith and I desire it is something that impacts our entire day, everyday. This is true of most people who actually live in a BDSM lifestyle.
We need it to be the foundation of our most intimate relationship. In truth it is already core to us, but majorly lacking in our current relationships. We want the rituals through our day. The little things like how we have dinner; who is served first; the clothing choices decided by the Dom; specific tasks and chores; the care and attention for the sub; the ability for the sub to serve their master at any time. The discipline and punishment needs to be regular and integrated into the day to provide meaning.
These are not one off games we play. Rather they are integrated into our daily lives and provide the structure that we can count on to feel loved and satisfied. It is one large overarching game for both of us. A game we often play solo (unfulfillingly) and strongly desire to play as a couple. In fact both of us have been searching for others to play this game with our whole lives, but we did not understand what it was we were searching for.
This is not optional for us. It’s part of our core. When we are able to take on these roles we finally get to be who we are. Unmasked. No more hiding behind a false front. When we perform what is required it frees us both. The tension and anxiety that we have let build up is finally washed away. It allows us to be the best version of ourselves in everyday life. We can be more effective at work because our home life is complete. We can be more loving in our other relationships because our intimate relationship is satisfying. We can be more present with our outer life because we are no longer missing our inner life. We are freed of the shame; freed of the needs we could not satisfy; freed to be ourselves. We are known and accepted for who we are, and it is like nothing we have ever felt before.
Oscar Wilde once said “Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” That is how Meredith and I want to be. We want our entire lives arranged around the power exchange that happens in a BDSM relationship. That power exchange is focused on sex. It is always the driving force for the two of us in (nearly) everything we do.
All of this matters because of what we have to do to get there. The people’s hearts we are going to have to break. In many ways it would be easier if I came out and told my wife I was gay. She could understand and even have compassion for me. We could stay friends. Her family and friends would understand. To hear that her husband wants to live a BDSM lifestyle, and that he is a Dominant isn’t something she can really talk about. It also hurts her more in that she feels it is just sex and that she isn’t good enough.
She is good enough. She is a great woman, and a good lover. But she is a lover where I need a submissive. It’s not just sex. It’s everything. Because everything leads to sex. Somehow I’m going to have to help her understand that. It’s not just sex, but everything is about the sex.
The same is true for Meredith. She keeps telling me “there is just no way I can stay with him. He’s never going to be the Dominant that I can submit to.” And her husband is a great guy, but he is not a Dominant. He is definitely not a sadist.
I’m going to end on a positive note. When Meredith and I are together it is amazing. She is a perfect mold for me. We both play the same game with the same rules and feed each other’s needs perfectly. There are things we need that make us so completely vulnerable to do or say. While together they are done with trust, and the communication is easy. Both of our most intimate desires are met when together. It is so beautiful. Afterward, both of us will sometimes cry when thinking about how beautiful it was. Actually Mistress cries quite often when we speak of it. She needs this part of herself freed.