Sex as a Tool

I read an article awhile ago discussing common factors that can lead to a broken relationship. The article didn’t talk about the usual elements of love and attention, but instead focused on the more primitive elements of sex and physical beauty.

The basic premise was that a couple, without other problems, would generally stay together if they both stayed in the same relative beauty category. However if one of them moved too far from the other in attractiveness then the couple was more likely to break up. The article didn’t get into the weeds on why, but attention from other singles and generally having a desire to find the ideal mate were factors.

There are ways that both men and women can overcome these gaps. For instance, if a man was less attractive he could make it up with status and money. Both of those were effective methods to overcome a lack of attractiveness. This is very stereotypical, but also likely true.

Women who find themselves less attractive have options as well, according to this article. They can become more sexual with their partners. That can mean more frequency or adventurous. By being more available or willing to do more risqué activities with her man she can overcome the attractiveness gap.

Why am I telling you all this? Well because of Wife, and the unexpected twist she did three days ago. All of a sudden, our sex life became more adventurous after over a decade of stagnation. What caused this sudden shift?

It made me think of that article. Wife and I have discussed my unhappiness, and much of it is related to sex. I wonder if she can sense me drifting away from her. Is this newfound love of more adventurous sex her way of upping her attractiveness to me? Before, when things were perceived as fine she had no reason to be adventurous because she assumed I was happy with what I was getting. Now that she knows I’m feeling neglected she is willing to cross lines she had previously drawn.

I really don’t like this. It makes me feel sleazy. She doesn’t desire it. She just wants me, and is performing purely for me. I know how it sounds: “hey buddy, you have a wife willing to do things for you even when she finds them repulsive. What are you complaining about?” But I don’t like it when a woman just does it to please her man. I find it degrading.

I don’t view her as lesser than me, and I don’t expect her to perform for me. I want to be equal with my partner, and enjoy sex together within the roles we choose. It feels empty to me if she must betray herself sexually to please me. Empty and manipulative. For the record she is still very beautiful.

It’s true that I don’t enjoy having sex with my wife. However having her lower her standards until I’m satisfied isn’t going to work. What I want is to be with someone who desires the things I also desire. If she does not have those desires then it is empty. She will never have the right reactions. She will never lose herself into her head with me. There will be no fantasy for us. She will do only what I beg of her and nothing more. No games or fantasy behind it.

I’m really conflicted over this whole thing. I asked her about what she did, and she said “I wanted to do something nice for you.” And ended the conversation. All the follow up questions I thought of would’ve led to an argument so I dropped it. She is very sensitive about sex. From her perspective, I got what I wanted; I should be grateful and drop it. She does not understand what I really want or why this is so upsetting to me.


9 thoughts on “Sex as a Tool

    1. Hey, I appreciate your comments. The situation boils down to: I desire more adventurous sex and she does not. All of a sudden she is kind of trying more adventurous things even though I know she doesn’t desire it. It makes me feel really crappy. Like I’m forcing her to do something she hates. Just because I want it doesn’t mean I want to force her to do it. You’re right. It’s very conflicting.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Being Human, it’s very normal to feel crappy when it looks like we are making someone do what usually wouldn’t do. However, she may be willing to compromise since it isn’t just about her. I just think she should be more willing to talk it out. It may however be that she is embarrassed that she isn’t able to satisfy you the way you want her to.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Sorry to hear that. It’s kind of important. You’re spouse is the one person you should be able to share intimacy with. You want them to enjoy it with you which means desiring what you desire, not just doing it to make you happy when they don’t want to. It really sucks.


  1. I have no idea if this is the case with you and your wife but, is it possible that she might not be as opposed as you think to these new adventures? Is it possible that she is using the idea of pleasing you, and doing it for your sake as a rationalization in her own mind to than allow herself these new adventures?
    My own experience was that I couldn’t possibly ask for or allow certain things of my ‘own desire’ but telling myself it was for my husband gave me the freedom to actually explore my own wants and sexuality. The long term result was that I am now very confident and comfortable with myself and with my sexuality, but at first I did put it under the ‘for him’ section of life.
    Just a thought … 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It is a good question, but she is definitely opposed. We actually discussed it in pretty good detail the first half of this year. It led to lots of tears as she knows that she is not, and does not want to be that person. If it were just to please me she’s had nearly 20 years for that to take place, and we’ve gone through some pretty tough fights over it. She wouldn’t budge an inch for year.

    I would LOVE is she was going through something similar as you, but I just don’t think it’s the case. In the past I would push her for me, trying to expand her experiences. Nothing held. Each one was a special one off, and she did not want to do them again. It makes me feel very, very empty when that happens.

    When in context with the conversations we had this year I just don’t see her changing much. But you do bring up a point. She budged on one small element. I will ask her more about it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well I’m sorry to hear that your discussions have not gone well. You certainly can’t make someone into something they are not, but with any luck this small element you refer to might just be a step towards bridging the gap and finally finding some middle ground for you both! Baby steps as they say! Just don’t forget to show your appreciation for them too, it goes a long way to encourage and support her efforts. Good Luck 🙂


  3. Some really good comments and advice from your readers.

    I am sorry that now that you had a taste of what your GF can give you a compromise with your wife is not really that appealing or wanted. 😦
    Who wants to eat SPAM when you have a juicy fulfilling Rib-eye instead?

    I know it’s difficult and the easy answer is to just leave your wife and seek a happy life with your GF but we all know that is not easy at all. Too many lives will be affected by your actions. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

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