I read an article awhile ago discussing common factors that can lead to a broken relationship. The article didn’t talk about the usual elements of love and attention, but instead focused on the more primitive elements of sex and physical beauty.
The basic premise was that a couple, without other problems, would generally stay together if they both stayed in the same relative beauty category. However if one of them moved too far from the other in attractiveness then the couple was more likely to break up. The article didn’t get into the weeds on why, but attention from other singles and generally having a desire to find the ideal mate were factors.
There are ways that both men and women can overcome these gaps. For instance, if a man was less attractive he could make it up with status and money. Both of those were effective methods to overcome a lack of attractiveness. This is very stereotypical, but also likely true.
Women who find themselves less attractive have options as well, according to this article. They can become more sexual with their partners. That can mean more frequency or adventurous. By being more available or willing to do more risqué activities with her man she can overcome the attractiveness gap.
Why am I telling you all this? Well because of Wife, and the unexpected twist she did three days ago. All of a sudden, our sex life became more adventurous after over a decade of stagnation. What caused this sudden shift?
It made me think of that article. Wife and I have discussed my unhappiness, and much of it is related to sex. I wonder if she can sense me drifting away from her. Is this newfound love of more adventurous sex her way of upping her attractiveness to me? Before, when things were perceived as fine she had no reason to be adventurous because she assumed I was happy with what I was getting. Now that she knows I’m feeling neglected she is willing to cross lines she had previously drawn.
I really don’t like this. It makes me feel sleazy. She doesn’t desire it. She just wants me, and is performing purely for me. I know how it sounds: “hey buddy, you have a wife willing to do things for you even when she finds them repulsive. What are you complaining about?” But I don’t like it when a woman just does it to please her man. I find it degrading.
I don’t view her as lesser than me, and I don’t expect her to perform for me. I want to be equal with my partner, and enjoy sex together within the roles we choose. It feels empty to me if she must betray herself sexually to please me. Empty and manipulative. For the record she is still very beautiful.
It’s true that I don’t enjoy having sex with my wife. However having her lower her standards until I’m satisfied isn’t going to work. What I want is to be with someone who desires the things I also desire. If she does not have those desires then it is empty. She will never have the right reactions. She will never lose herself into her head with me. There will be no fantasy for us. She will do only what I beg of her and nothing more. No games or fantasy behind it.
I’m really conflicted over this whole thing. I asked her about what she did, and she said “I wanted to do something nice for you.” And ended the conversation. All the follow up questions I thought of would’ve led to an argument so I dropped it. She is very sensitive about sex. From her perspective, I got what I wanted; I should be grateful and drop it. She does not understand what I really want or why this is so upsetting to me.