An Unexpected Twist

Wife threw an unexpected sex twist at me today. I’m not sure where it came from. I did not ask for it. I was not being pushy or depressed and mopey. I’m completely baffled.

We haven’t had sex in awhile. Over the last several months it’s been few and far between. Today she had a good day at work and came home amped up. She said she really wanted to have sex, and then also said the words that are just sure to turn me on “I’ve been thinking about you all day.” (More on that later) I hadn’t taken care of myself in a few days so I agreed.

I’m not going to get into details here, but we had above average sex for us. Not off the charts but above average. Nothing went wrong. She didn’t push me out of the mental game like usual. It was good, but the twist came at the end.

There is this one thing that I’ve been asking her to do for 17 years, and she has emphatically said “NO!” everytime. Generally it leaves me confused and depressed when we would talk about it. There is absolutely no wiggle room. Never going to happen. On a 100 point scale of sexual activity what I’m asking for is maybe near 35. I desire for us to be over 75, but we’ve been stuck in the 20’s for almost two decades. The one thing is 35 – still a 40 point gap from where I want to be.

Did she do it? No, but she went halfway. She’s never gone halfway. She’s never even shown interest in pleasing me that way, generally being gruff about it. This time she was not. She went halfway and was cheery about it. I’m kind of floored. Something is changing with her.

Honestly I would bet you she is worried about us and is trying to use sex to keep me happy. She knows sex is a huge part of what I am unhappy about. Now she has gone and pushed her own boundaries – a little. She also mentioned using the belt part way through. Oh boy… Maybe she’s really trying to show that she can be different. I’m not sure where this is going, and I’m not sure I like it. If she is doing all this for me and not for her then this is a short lived thing. I’m not sure whether to feel good about a positive change or guilty that I’m pushing her to do things she doesn’t like.

It’s funny, a long while ago I told Meredith about the one thing that I can’t get. She was floored. She said “You have to ask? You should not have to ask. SHE SAID NO?!” In Meredith’s opinion what I’m asking for is essentially the basic package that comes with a dominant sexual man wanting sex from his woman. She LOVES the one thing. I mean really really loves it. She fantasizes about it with me, and Wife won’t do it at all.

And you know what? Meredith is right. For me to be the man I am, the man I endeavor to be and to not feel constantly emasculated by Wife I shouldn’t need to ask. There are things that I need as basic acts during sex that don’t need to be asked anymore of my long term lover. I am a natural and good dominant man, but it only works with a willing partner. Mistress understands this. She understands me, and what our roles are.

Tonight was very interesting. I’m going to have to think about this and see where it goes. On the one hand Wife’s instincts are right, if I feel neglected I will want to leave. On the other hand it’s definitely not far enough after 17 years of nothing. It’s just not who Wife is at her core. She will never desire the things I need her to desire.

On the “I’ve been thinking about you.” comment. I explained to Wife one day that sex starts in the morning for me, and is a game we play all day. It’s mostly a mental game between us that keeps us sexually charged. Except she doesn’t play. She doesn’t even know how. To make sex work well we should be thinking sexy things about each other and teasing and flirting with eachother. I used to do that with her when we were younger. She thought it was cute, but then would laugh and tame it down rather than engaging. Some things only happen in the bedroom – there are rules.

Lately I sent her a couple of sexy texts through the day, and her standard line is that she has been thinking about me. Um, ok. Thinking what? I need some specifics, and flirty or dirty talk. It’s just her way of trying to show she can play the game. But she can’t. She does not even know what the game is. It’s not just “thinking of you today.”

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8 thoughts on “An Unexpected Twist

      1. Well, you thinking about it means you care about others feelings as opposed to your own. I’m the same in that perspective. I care way more about other people’s feelings than myself which is why I’m left feeling stuck and unhappy. I also know if I continue this route I won’t ever achieve happiness.

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  1. Everyone “plays the game” differently and that is where chemistry comes into play. Your wife’s way may not be your way but they might me some other man’s ways… like your GF way is your way. It’s all about sexual chemistry.

    Without knowing what this “One Thing” is, I think it’s good that she met you halfway and you should be happy instead of worrying that you pushed her. She is an adult and it’s her choice to do it or not.
    She seems, at least from your writing, she cares about you and is trying to find a way to give you what you want. That to me speaks volumes, doing something that is uncomfortable to please your husband instead of easily doing it like your GF does.

    Maybe I am reflecting a little and interjecting a bit of the D/s thing in my comment because Salvation has slowly pushed me to do things that I never thought I would grow to love.

    shrugs

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    1. Sexual chemistry. Something Wife and I have never had. The traditional model of no sex before marriage makes it very difficult to learn about your sexual chemistry with future partners. Wife was dead against sex before marriage and only agreed to it because we had 4 years of dating and engagement first. That would be quite a long wait. But you could tell it bothered her. I assumed then that she would change once we were married. I should have known.

      She does care about me. She does want me to be happy. But this is not D/s with her. She does not want to be pushed. It’s something quite different. It’s more that she’s doing it out of fear or something. If our marriage was doing well then she would not be changing or allowing me to push her at all. Which is how it has been for more than a decade. She is only changing out of desperation. Which is genuine but not something that will work for us long term. She has no desire for it.

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  2. This reminds me a lot of the relationship I have with my married man. When they still had sex (it had been a couple years when we met) it was very plain vanilla. She outright refused to do some things that I don’t consider to be very “out there.” His desires are pretty typical. But the fact that I love intimacy, crave it and desire it, as well as want to be touched, is so different that anything he has experienced with his wife. She felt it was a chore. I feel your pain. I wish there were better solutions.

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