Today I’m really pondering what the right thing is. When I lay out what I want for my future I feel like an asshole. A selfish asshole. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m just spending time trying to justify my actions knowing that I’m being selfish.
I’m married to a wonderful woman who loves me. We have two beautiful children together. Overall my wife treats me well. I could stick with her and live a comfortable life. An easy life in fact. A life with lots of money, small problems and low stress. My children would have a stable household. They would be in a good school district.
I read blog after blog of people going through divorce and it makes me feel worse. Most of the people writing were the ones being left. They write of the pain. About just doing a little more to make the marriage work. They counsel to try to connect. To meet each others basic needs.
I could do that. I have been doing it for years. Put myself second and just focus on pleasing my wife. I’m really good at it. REALLY good at it. But who is taking care of me? She tries. I know she tries, but she doesn’t know me. When I try to tell her who I am and what I need it does not go well. She gets upset. She can’t be the person who supports me. It’s not how she thinks. It’s not how her mind works. It’s not how our relationship works.
Years ago I should have recognized and taken care of this. It would have been trivial to leave her when we were dating for stupid shit like “doesn’t support my needs.” But now it just seems cruel. Yet I couldn’t see it before. I had no idea what was eating at me. The feeling of “just give it time, get through this next phase and it will all be better” pushed us forward. I’m not happy in my marriage. I’ve often thought of cheating to fill the void, but I never really understood it in those clear terms.
She thinks I’m happy. Because I can’t tell her the truth. She gets so upset when I try. I need her to not be upset so we can work together to raise our children. It is probably not fair of me to hide how I feel for so long. Maybe the answer is to be truthful and let her handle her emotions. I can’t continue to hide from her. It’s going to come out one day.