Right and wrong

Today I’m really pondering what the right thing is. When I lay out what I want for my future I feel like an asshole. A selfish asshole. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m just spending time trying to justify my actions knowing that I’m being selfish.

I’m married to a wonderful woman who loves me. We have two beautiful children together. Overall my wife treats me well. I could stick with her and live a comfortable life. An easy life in fact. A life with lots of money, small problems and low stress. My children would have a stable household. They would be in a good school district.

I read blog after blog of people going through divorce and it makes me feel worse. Most of the people writing were the ones being left. They write of the pain. About just doing a little more to make the marriage work. They counsel to try to connect. To meet each others basic needs.

I could do that. I have been doing it for years. Put myself second and just focus on pleasing my wife. I’m really good at it. REALLY good at it. But who is taking care of me? She tries. I know she tries, but she doesn’t know me. When I try to tell her who I am and what I need it does not go well. She gets upset. She can’t be the person who supports me. It’s not how she thinks. It’s not how her mind works. It’s not how our relationship works.

Years ago I should have recognized and taken care of this. It would have been trivial to leave her when we were dating for stupid shit like “doesn’t support my needs.” But now it just seems cruel. Yet I couldn’t see it before. I had no idea what was eating at me. The feeling of “just give it time, get through this next phase and it will all be better” pushed us forward. I’m not happy in my marriage. I’ve often thought of cheating to fill the void, but I never really understood it in those clear terms.

She thinks I’m happy. Because I can’t tell her the truth. She gets so upset when I try. I need her to not be upset so we can work together to raise our children. It is probably not fair of me to hide how I feel for so long. Maybe the answer is to be truthful and let her handle her emotions. I can’t continue to hide from her. It’s going to come out one day.


19 thoughts on “Right and wrong

  1. Can you give me an example of what your wife isn’t doing that you would want her to? (not sexual but emotional)

    Have you considered counseling for yourself? as a couple?

    here is the thing — as long as there is a third party in your marriage nothing she does (or you do) will make things better.

    And affairs are the epitome of fantasy. There are no responsibilities, no living together, no stresses about money, etc.

    You need to end your affair. Marriages that end because of an affair are generally far worse than those that end for other reasons. You have nearly two decades ahead of you raising your children. If you end your marriage, you have virtually no chance of having any kind of relationship with your wife if you leave her for another woman. You can expect a very uncomfortable situation moving forward.

    End your affair — really end it and then move forward with whatever path.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. There is no right or wrong just what you feel you can live with.
    I know the other commenter mentioned therapy and I don’t know if you have considered it but maybe take it up a step further and get a kink-friendly therapist that can help make your wife understand what you need and how you need it. The therapist will help her to getting to know the real you.
    I know it’s a big risk but at least you will have piece of mind that she will know everything and maybe, who knows, even surprise you in her reaction (not the initial one –that one will be a shock reaction).
    I know… I know… I am forever hopeful because I know the opposite can happen but… Well you know, if you can’t or won’t compartmentalize your life (cuz living a double life can be draining) then just get a good therapist and tell her.

    p.s. your link is broken.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Actually we discussed it before. A kink friendly therapist. At first Wife was ok with it but the next time we discussed it she got really upset and said just I need to go. As if there is something wrong with me as not her or us. To be honest though sinful, she needs a counselor all to her own. She needs someone who she can talk to about how she’s feeling because right now the only person she really has is me. That’s not enough. Once that is in place (she’s looking now) then maybe we can move forward together. But I have very little hope that Wife is going to change much. She has always drawn hard lines around sex and she sticks to them. She’s very very traditional. I think best case she becomes more understanding of me and less angry.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am glad she is going to see one because you shouldn’t be the only person she talks to… a girl needs another girls point of view or to just listen. A lot of times a girl just needs to be listened to and does not a “fix it answer”.
        How come she doesn’t have any girlfriends. I know being a doctor you have long hours and you might be on call but one can still find the time to harvest friendships.
        I hope this opens the path to better things for your both… I think it will.. time (and patience) is just needed.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Wife has a bit of a hard time making good friends. She makes casual friends easily but doesn’t form them into good ones. Part of it is the time she devotes to school and work, but part of it is just who she is. I helped her with that. I setup schedules, and helped her decide which friends to invest more time. She has a few now but she can’t talk to them about the intimate details of what I’ve brought up. She actually said this would be easier if you were gay because everyone would understand. She gets too upset to talk to me directly so we need to take time and talk about it with an intermediary.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I have very few good friends and that is because I don’t want to let just anyone in. The more people I let it the greater the chances of getting hurt. With that said I know I need to depend on a few girlfriends for my own piece of mind and sanity. They are essentially my therapist. 🙂
        I think if i didn’t have them I would be seeking my own therapist.

        I wish you the best of luck. I think you giving it your all is important.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Your blog informs us of that oft questioned minds of men. Thank you….

    I don’t condone stepping outside of the marriage, but sometimes being with other people can really make you appreciate your life at home.

    It’s your personal journey, though. You have to do what you feel you need to do.

    Oddly, it just occurred to me…I wonder if your wife has a blog with the opposite perspective, and if so…what would it say? ;o)

    I wish you well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. It has certainly helped me evaluate my life more carefully.

      I know for a fact that Wife does not and will not have a blog of similar type. It is just not in her DNA to do such a thing. She has no ability to keep secrets. That has burned me on numerous occasions as I often do share very personal things with Wife.

      However your question is really more of a thought experiment. I like it. I’m going to have to think about that. Maybe it will be a future post!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Glad I could spark your thinking gene, though, your mind is fascinating already. :o)

    You convey so well the darker part of the truth of monogamous relationships, not just marriage. It can be a lonely business, marriage. Not speaking from personal experience, but I have been in long-term monogamous relationships and I find them unnatural, honestly. This position goes against the norms of society and it’s been a struggle.

    So, reading your words has been a treat for me because it helps me see what you fellas go through, quietly, in the face of social and institutional expectations that are wholly against biology and physiology, in my opinion. How does one reconcile physical (and even emotional) needs that never quite seem to line up with a spouse’s requirements. Bleh!

    A final understanding between both parties is needed, no matter how brutal the communication it takes to get there.

    Thanks again for this insight. It’s the truth I’ve craved for so long.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You flatter me :). Yes monogamous relationships can be very difficult. I sometimes think there are people just made for them. They live for the comfort of it. But those people also set the rules for society and we must all abide by them. Then again I wonder how I would be with someone I matched up with more naturally. Because I would do it again – get married. Of course Mistress and I have already talked about being a little less strict on certain marriage rules than our current spouses are. So maybe we are just monogamish as they say lately.

      I have a hard time reconciling the many needs we need fulfilled from a partner and the idea that one person could fulfill them all. It seems very implausible. Honestly I think people are catching onto that. Marrying later; experiencing more of life first; adding flexibility into their marriage.

      You are right. Communication is key. It’s something Wife and I struggle with on any of the serious issues. I will get there with her, once the sleep deprivation has died down.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Rats. 🙂 I don’t know your user name, so I cannot send an invite. Want to tell me what it is? Or you could click on me, then click on the request link.

        I’ll leave it in your capable hands…..


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