“What’s the difference?” I asked him. “Between the love of your life, and your soulmate?”
“One is a choice, and one is not.”
I’ve been with my wife either dating for married for 17 years. Over that time I have mostly been happy. When I say I am a patient man though, this is where it gets complicated.
Whenever you meet someone I always envision two sets of waves, like a sine wave, coming together. There are long wave lengths, and short wave lengths. Some are lifted up higher and some are down lower. Whenever they join together they form their own new rhythm while each still maintaining their own unique wave within that rhythm. Depending on how those waves join together it can either be a beautiful friendship or it can be mutual hatred. Or really anything in between. We all know of those people that you meet, and from the very first get go you know that you don’t mesh.
We also know of some where we mesh right away. Those are the people that we tend to be around more and more. When your waves overlap the rhythms are beautiful together. You flow in sync with each other or you flow in a way that covers each others low points. Some people invigorate you with their waves, and others calm you down. You may end up liking each of them for different times and reasons.
When you are looking for the love of your life, though, it has to be an even more specialized wave. You need it to match up with yours in perfect harmony. You need it to match for the long haul. The waves have to work together when you are high and when you are low. When you are energized and when you are down. That kind of harmony is not easy to find.
My wife and I do have that harmony. Or we did. I think this is another key part of it. Over time most people have changes occur within their waves. Usually they are not drastic changes, but generally just from growing up and general life changes. When you are in harmony with someone else the challenge is in keeping those changes in sync. Perhaps this is where I faltered.
What I think happened though is that we were always just a little out of sync. From the very beginning. The reason I think this is because some of the problems that we are having I can trace back to our very first year together. They have followed us through life and over time grown larger. These small changes started to cascade and grow. It took nearly two decades to fully become a problem. But over that time they have finally grown so large that it starts to seem like our waves are not in harmony any more.
For the last couple of years I thought I could live with it. Even though it was getting harder and harder to do. But I chose this woman. She is the love of my life. I can work through it. It’s hard, yes, but no one ever said it would be easy, and it’s my job to work through it. Eventually all my hopes and dreams and desires will become as important to her as hers are to me.
Then something extremely unexpected happened. I met my soul mate. Actually I had known her for almost three years, but due to a work arrangement I didn’t know her intimately. Once the work arrangement changed our intimacy grew, and I learned for the first time what a soul mate is. It is something so unique and so precious that you would change your entire life for them.
I am 100% completely in sync with my soul mate’s wave. In both height and frequency. We are so closely tied together. My inner world is her inner world. We get to share both our external selves, and our internal selves together. I’ve never had anything like that before. It’s such a wonderful feeling. To be known for who I am. To be accepted to a point where I don’t have to think about how different I am.
This is not something I’ve ever had before. My entire life has been lived in double. With one part of me for the people in my life to see and know, and the other part of me just for me. My inner world was shared with no one. Because although my wife is the love of my life she does not know me. She does not understand that side of me. It scares her when I try to discuss it not because the content is scary, but because she cannot understand it.
I don’t blame her at all. She’s a wonderful, wonderful woman. But our waves have always been slightly out of sync, and now I can see how far apart they have become. I suppose thinking back I always hoped that she would grow to know me more deeply, and allow me to share that side of me with her. But it never came to be. No matter how I tried to share it she would find subtle ways of pushing it back down. To the point where I no longer even try. I just keep them separate.
There are many days now where I long to have met my soul mate before I met the love of my life. For I would not have believed such a woman existed until I met her. Had someone described her and asked me to wait to meet her I would have said a woman like that is just a fantasy. She cannot be true. Yet she is. And she is in love with me as well. What am I to do…?