Pining for her

I find myself checking my phone every few minutes. Looking for a text, an email, anything. I am constantly thinking of her and hoping that she will reach out. But she hasn’t. She won’t. Not this time.

We have done this before. We have tried to slow things down. To just be friends. We tried around New Years. We tried in January and in February. We tried again in May. They have all failed. And each reunion is sweeter than the last. We are both so overwhelmed with joy that the other is still in love with us. Our love for each other is strong.

We keep trying to be apart. We know that to be together someday we need to be apart now. We need to do it for our spouses; for our children; to give our future life a chance without a black cloud over top. We both really desire that future, but we know that we will have a long and difficult journey to get there. We will break the hearts of those we love. The more kindness and trust we can infuse into the process now the better it will be for everyone and the easier all of our lives will be in the future. However it is not easy. I have never been in such a depression as during those times we were apart. She even went so far as to contemplate suicide during one of them, and finally broke down and called me. We resolved not to be apart like that again. Until now.

My girlfriend has cut off all communication to preserve our vision for the future. It has been 3 days now and while I am constantly checking my phone for a sign of reprieve from this isolation, it is not to be. She will not relent on this one until it is over with her and her husband. All of our previous attempts to be apart were for other people, but this time it is for her.

When she has me in one ear she resents her husband for being who he is. She needs to be able to have difficult conversations with him without the resentment. She needs to walk this path alone. Without me at her side. If she can make it through the pain; if she can walk over the hot coals; then I will be waiting for her on the other side.

This time it is for her. As painful as it is, I’m proud of her for doing it. I will pine for her, but I will wait while understanding why she is doing what she must do.


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