Sorrow and guilt

I’m not really sure how to address today. There is a lot to explain first. It’s rather complicated and, well, it doesn’t shine the best light on me. The truth is the best medicine.

You see today my girlfriend explained that we need to stop communicating. No more texts, emails, or phone calls. We need to put it all to an end. That was some hard news to hear and I really wasn’t expecting that today. You never really expect it though. Well I guess maybe if things weren’t going well a person might expect it, but things were going well. I thought we had figured out our groove. The way things could work for us. At least for now.

But I was wrong. Maybe it’s a good thing though. Sometimes these have a way of working out better in the end. You see she had a meeting with her counselor today. It was apparently a rough session. She wouldn’t call me about it afterwards because she didn’t want to start crying. That is doubly rough because I am very good at using my voice to soothe her but I could not. We had to communicate by text but it felt clunky. It never feels clunky with her. I guess there have been times. When she is distracted by life where I have sensed distractions but it is altogether rare.

I gave her space. It seemed to be what she needed. I went back to work and she did whatever it was she needed to do. Time alone thinking most likely. Living in her own head. We are both introverts and I understand that. When things get tough or complicated then we retreat to the safety of our own minds. Where we can let ideas float around as we try to connect them with the emotions of the moment. It’s a safe place. She will often let me in to her safe place but today she did not.

A while later she called me. She was upset. She explained that she had just been sitting in her car thinking. She decided that the next thing she needed to do to move forward was for us to stop communicating. She said she just couldn’t face this difficult ordeal with her husband while I am in her other ear. I understand. I really do. It’s hard to hear from the one you love but I warned you this was complicated.

There are no manuals on how to do this. We are just trying to figure it out as we go. What we know is that we love eachother and we want to be together. That is true. When you have found your soulmate you want to hang onto them forever. You never walk around just looking for your soulmate but when you find them it’s such an incredible connection that you can’t imagine anything else. Even the current situation you are in. It’s very powerful.

It was more than just finding eachother, though. She was suffering in her marriage for years. It was an odd fit, the two of them. She gave of herself until she was almost no one. He did not notice all she gave. She searched for a partner to know her, deeply, and to understand her. He searched for comfort and someone to admire. They did not have the same goals in marriage. From the level of their souls they were going in different directions.

Unfortunately the direction they were going left him feeling very satisfied and her feeling very lonely. Being lonely in your own marriage is a terrible place to be. Yet that is where she was. Night after night. She would engage and he would go in a different direction. He didn’t even know he was leaving her feeling lonely.

But now things will change. At least I hope so. She worked on some hard truths with her counselor today. She has a timeline more or less set. Within a couple of months she plans to be separated from him. Although being apart that long will seem like an eternity, when she gets there I will be able to be part of her life again. At least that is how I hope things progress.

We will let time take its course and I pray she has the strength to move toward her truth. To be her full self. It’s what I’ve always wanted for her. In the mean time I just need to work on my own marriage.

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