What Meredith wants

I was listening to a story about moving on. It was in relation to moving on from the loss of a spouse, but it had a good message for me as well. One effective way to start to change your mindset is to consider what the person whom you lost would want you to be doing. Would they be pleased or saddened by how you’ve dealt with the grief?

What I really liked about this is how positive it is. You can still honor the person and love the person even though they are gone. Because I cannot generate negative feelings for Meredith, using this new method allows me to use those positive feelings to my advantage and help me move on.

So now I ask myself, what would Meredith want for me right now? Would she want me stuck and unable to move forward? Absolutely not, she is far too caring. She would want me to strengthen my family. To turn in toward my wife and find a peace with my life.

Meredith seems to have come to terms with the fact that there is no future for us. Not now, not ever. The value of dreaming about that possibility is a negative impact on where you are. She would want me to stop thinking about her. To stop worrying about her. To kill any dreams I have of us.

Ten years from now if Meredith hears about me from someone she would want to hear that I’m still happily married. She would want to hear that my children are doing well, and that I have become a great father to my kids. That my career is going well, and I’ve found ways to explore my creative side.

She would also want me not to lose myself. I know she would hope that I could find what I need with my wife in some fashion. The needs that Meredith previously met. That someday we might even be able to cross paths and not long for each other.

She would want me to go through counseling with my wife. She would want me to be open and honest with my wife. To tell her everything even at my own or her own expense. She would want me to turn into my wife and do the work needed to repair the damage we caused.

Honestly I know Meredith wants the best for me as I do for her. Yet she wants the best for me without her in the picture.

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My Own Counseling

A couple days ago I went to see our marriage counselor by myself. This was planned. She wanted to discuss in more detail the things I’m hoping for. I have another session set for next week.

We mostly discussed my relationship with Meredith. My counselor had not heard most of the details because I am either not sharing those with my wife or my wife does not want me to refer to Meredith. It makes much of this difficult to discuss. But I was very open with our counselor. She took it all in stride.

We talked about two major themes. The first is that there were really two parts to my affair. The friendship part of it, which led to a strong emotional affair, and the physical part of it. The physical part of the affair included a lot of self discovery. Exploring those parts of myself I had never been allowed to explore.

Because of the affair, I learned a lot about myself. This was not an affair to just get more sex than I could get at home. This was about exploring a completely different type of relationship. One that I now know can exist and is wonderful.

In the end any affair is wrong. I know that. My counselor knows that, but it is important to understand what it meant. Why did it happen, and what does that mean to my current relationship with my wife? This affair was not some random hookup on Craigslist or Tinder. In fact, I’ve mostly been able to avoid those paths. But finding out that this woman who was quickly becoming my best friend also had matching sexual desires was too much to resist for both of us. I mean she was standing right in front of me. There was no seeking.

The other issue we explored was that I will very likely need to confess all of my affair to my wife in order to move forward. All of it. The thought of that scares me to death. On the other hand, with the counselor’s help my wife is now in a much better place, and able to actually listen to me now. Our discussions have been so much deeper lately. Maybe this is the time. I don’t believe she could’ve handled it well before. Although this will be devastating to her it will allow for more honest communication. I really believe she could process it now without shutting down before we can talk.

The reason I really need to share is that most of my new knowledge about how I want to live my life was experienced with Meredith. If I cannot talk openly about that experience then my wife will never truly understand what I’m talking about. Many of the concepts are subtle and vague, especially if you don’t already think in a submissive mindset.

Last, we were given some homework. Every day we need to talk about sex together. She needs to share her thoughts and desires on sex and I need to be specific about sex with her. We started that two nights ago. It’s going really well. My wife does enjoy some of the same elements I do, but many of them she really didn’t even know what they were. We spent some time defining things like deep throat, sexual humiliation, and types of exhibitionism.

Last night we really hit on something though. I found it very hard to talk openly with my wife about certain fantasies of mine. Ones I found so easy to discuss with Meredith. I realized that my wife and I have a long history of me sharing vulnerable parts of myself with her, and then she turns around and tells friends and family. Taking my vulnerability and exposing it to others. It hit me like a sledge hammer as I was trying to open up. She knew exactly what I was taking about, and she felt horrible about it. She knows now how important all this is to me, and how damaging it was for us that she betrayed my trust. At the time she thought it was just funny.

In the end, we did get through a few core concepts. She handled them very well, and even commented on how proud she was of herself for being able to have a conversation like that. Even six months ago she would not have been able to. Her words, not mine. She was not in agreement with most of the things I brought up, but she acknowledged a few might be OK at least to try.

We also ended with pretty great sex the first night, and this morning. Clearly talking about things helps.

The Ocean

My wife and I have been reading an erotic book together. There was a scene where the main character (a woman) takes off her clothes at the beach house and runs into the water naked while her boyfriend watches from the deck. She gets into the crashing waves, looks back at him and starts touching herself. She goes clear until orgasm with the waves crashing on her backside. There are other beach houses in view but she is singularly focused on her man.

It’s a really hot scene. I was ready to pounce on my wife afterward. We talked about the scene briefly afterward. She was not turned on by it at all. I was stunned. Again we are driven by very different desires.

Sex and Taxes

Quick note here. Had an interesting evening. I was working on my taxes and, due to my new job, there was some complicated stuff. At one point it showed that we owed more in taxes than I grossed last year.

As I was struggling through the problem I realized how turned on I was getting. Dealing with stress had always had this effect on me. I tried to convince my wife that we should play around and relieve some stress. Of course the stress had quite the opposite effect on her.

Then I realized we run into this problem quite frequently. When she is turned on I’m often not and vice versa. How very strange. I guess it’s not that strange, we have quite different interests.

Meredith was also drawn to sex when stressed. I remember that distinctly. We seemed to have the same things turn us on.

Frankly I’m not sure what to do with this. I’ll talk to my wife tonight about how I was feeling and how she was feeling. It will probably end in an agree to disagree, but perhaps we will learn about each other.

Update

Haven’t had time to be on here much lately. Life has been busy. Work, vacation, illness, house remodel, etc.

Counseling

We went to a second session of counseling a couple weeks ago. It’s hard. One thing we keep discussing is how we could have a successful relationship with power exchange built in. It’s interesting what that dredges up.

For us to have that kind of relationship my wife would need to defer to me much more. What we uncovered is that she hardly trusts me on any decisions where she feels that she should know more. Take fashion for example. I’m actually very knowledgeable and up to speed on women’s fashion, but my wife repeatedly ignores my advice or decisively tells me I’m wrong. Then her sister or some other outside source will say the same thing in some slightly different way, and she will love it. It drives me batty.

We walked through about half a dozen examples from just the past year. It was rather eye opening to her. I don’t think she realized how much she listens to other opinions over mine or how important that was to me.

In theory she agreed to try to be more understanding of me, and to hear my ideas more. To defer to them. But I countered that it was easy to defer if you agree, what will she do if I ask her to do something she doesn’t agree with? Such as dying her hair? It’s not as easy as saying you can do it.

What was nice was that with the counselor there my wife was able to have that conversation without breaking down. We even discussed that at the end. At several points too I had to ask her if she really trusts me. If she actually believes the words she is saying because her actions have always spoken a different way. I didn’t just want to hear words. Words are shit. Prove that you mean it.

Anyway we will see. Nothing major has happened since then, but she has been more respectful when I do have opinions.

Testing the Limits

She wanted to test that we could do some of the more intense sexual experiences. We tried one night a couple weeks ago. She went through all the motions, but I felt no flame or excitement from her. She hasn’t mentioned it since. Not a great sign. If you’re having great enjoyable sex wouldn’t you want to talk about it?

Honestly our sex life sucks. I mean it exists, but neither of us enjoy what the other needs. We keep trying a new thing here or there, but she is not really into it. At some point we are going to get to sex in counseling. That will be fun.

Archiving a Relationship

~

  • We met for the first time in December 2011.
  • We started becoming friends October 2015.
  • We discovered our mutual secret desires accidentally December 2015.
  • Our first kiss, and our first kinky interactions that crossed the line happened in January 2016.
  • We had sex for the first time in February 2016.
  • We had sex for the last time in May 2016.
  • We had physical contact for the last time in July 2016.
  • We had our last friendly discussions in December 2016.
  • Our last phone call in April 2017.
  • Last email exchange in October 2017.

*****

I feel a certain disconnect. My relationship with Meredith is never going to happen. It was never going to happen. Too many lives would have been shredded. It is only a fantasy of the type that requires us to both be younger and single.

I have all these shards from our relationship all over. In email, voicemail, Evernote, journals. I need to archive it. Put it all in one locked down box so I can move on. If I need I can go look in the box, but no longer will I randomly run across reminders of her anymore.

This is the process I’m going through right now. Packing it all away. Things are too scattered for me to remember what is and is not hidden and from whom. Time to just move it all into one spot and then open my life back up. My life has held a secret for two years now and I need to let it go.

Magnets of Attraction

One thing I’ve found difficult the past several months is explaining how I feel about the relationship with Meredith and what I learned from it. Inside I can feel an enormous change, and I know I need to better define what that is to my wife. In our discussions it’s been very difficult to explain. She doesn’t understand. When we met with the counselor it was a little better, but even then I could tell there were huge areas I wasn’t clearly describing.

Describing complex feeling, desires, passions, and kinks was never my strong suit. I’ve never had to describe them before. They were just there. I knew them. I understood them. Now it feels like I’m trying to translate a book from a language I barely know.

When I was with Meredith we did discuss these feelings a lot. Too much actually. We are on such a similar wave length that it was easy. I could use my own language and she understood and vice versa. When I tried to explain things to my wife Meredith was always really good at helping me turn my thoughts into words. Meredith’s world is feelings, and she is very adept at unpacking them verbally. I thought perhaps I had learned from her or maybe I wasn’t that bad at it. Without her around now, though, it is clearly a struggle.

Everyday I think about this. How to describe what I’m feeling to my wife. They are the constant private conversations in my head. Yet I’m never able to voice them to her. It always comes out wrong or even when I nail it she still doesn’t understand. It’s very difficult.

One analogy I thought of this weekend I will share with you. When discussing desires with Meredith or my wife the conversations are usually small and numerous. Over time we have thousands of conversations or interactions in and around the arena of our desire for each other. It is how we learn about each other, and what we find exciting.

I picture each of us as magnets where one side repels and one side attracts. Each little part of a conversation either slightly repels or slightly attracts. As you travel through time you would bounce around between the two but generally fall into a groove or direction.

With my wife we settled into a pattern where I could never get too close. We keep bouncing around on the desire conversation with me fairly in the middle. I will ask for something or we will try something new and I’ll feel the attraction move up. Then she will tell me it wasn’t for her or in general show dissatisfaction and it will move back down. We have been in that dance for years. I kept hanging on to those moments of increase thinking they would keep building into greater and greater attraction thereby meeting my desires. But they never did.

With Meredith it was very different. We were both EXTREMELY hesitant to have any conversations about desire. I mean we were both married, wanted only to be friends, and had kinks that we were ashamed of. The conversations were slow and cautious. But they kept moving toward attraction. Each tiny little step forward never had a repellent aspect to pull us back toward the middle. Up, up, up we went! Had we both been single we would’ve been having mind blowing sex daily with lots of experimentation and a really wonderful cerebral relationship as well.

How then do I explain this magnet theory to my wife and possibly counselor. The gist is that there is no one single conversation that will change our sex life. There are millions of little daily interactions, and we don’t seem to connect in that space. Overall my wife does not desire what I desire and will constantly pull me up and then push me back down. Keeping me square in the middle.

Earlier I spoke of the shame of our kinky desires. It’s very true. Meredith and I both had that and eventually talked about it quite a bit. Our spouses sure didn’t help us to feel normal. In fact they indirectly fed the shame with their pureness, frequently rejecting the things we felt the most shame over. They don’t understand what that does to us.

Why then, you ask, did you both stayed married for so long to someone who made you feel that way? Well that is a very difficult question to answer and one in which hindsight provides a much clearer picture. The short answer is that we didn’t know. We both felt very insecure and ashamed for our desires. We found a partner who embodied all the things we felt a good person should be. They did not have our shameful desires, and that was what we felt we needed. Clearly we were outcasts for feeling the way we did, and we needed to suppress our desires and be more like our spouses.

It must be similar to being bisexual, and feeling ashamed of it. You find normal straight people very attractive so you just hide this other part of yourself. Society makes it very clear that it is undesirable behavior.

Then one day something happens which changes you forever. Perhaps you have an experience with a same sex partner. Or a long discussion with another bisexual friend and you realize that you don’t need to be ashamed. You can live your life. You can be you. Except you formed a life around the old you.

That is where it feels that I am. My life is formed and now I have uncovered this truth about me that changes everything I thought about relationships.