Several months ago (way before Covid) Claire and I left the therapist’s office with an agenda. She wanted to try some of the bdsm things we had been talking about. We were going to try rope. She liked the idea of being tied up, of having some control taken away.
Walking to the car and for the next few weeks all I could think about was why this idea didn’t excite me. Wasn’t this what I wanted? I knew that she would enjoy being tied up, but otherwise it would be very normal sex. There would be ropes, but nothing else would be kinky. Like eating vanilla ice cream with a fork. Edgy, but still tastes the same.
This made me wonder then, if it isn’t tying her up that gets me excited then what is it? Eventually, months later I stumbled upon this idea of core erotic themes (CET). I won’t go into detail on it as you can read about it elsewhere. The concept clicked in my head, and made me really consider what it is that excites me.
What I came up with are five themes in order of importance:
1. Erotic humiliation is the first and most important. It works with most of the rest of the list and I realized, as I was thinking about it, that this was at the core of my relationship with Meredith. We both craved erotic humiliation, but from opposite sides. Me to give and her to receive.
2. Exhibitionism and voyeurism. Essentially including other people. Whether that be through secret public acts, like not wearing panties to dinner or more explicit acts such as having someone watch or even join. The erotic humiliation can really be ramped up when there are other people involved.
3. Sadism. I was surprised that this didn’t make the top of the list but it is still top 3. Delivering pain in an erotic setting is very important to me, but I found that I especially enjoy it when it can be done in a way to increase erotic humiliation.
4. Control. Really this is control of the person. Delving into the slave aspect of bdsm. By having control of their body and person there is so much I can do, but it requires them to freely give me that control. For them to desire giving up control, and trust me to handle it with care. In fact, the act of giving away control voluntarily increases the humiliation aspect. I’ll dive into that in another post.
5. Games. Yes, games. I love games. Adding elements of chance and trade offs to the process. For example, letting a role of a die determine the punishment or giving options where trade offs must be made between using the cane for fewer hits or using the hand but many more hits. Games can be fun.
There are so many fantasies that I have and have had over the years. When I started to analyze them these were the core themes that kept coming up. I remember fantasies I had back in high school, and though not as well thought out they still revolved around these themes.
In some ways I didn’t understand myself well when I was younger, but in other ways I did. The parts of all this I understood I felt deep shame about. None of it felt good or right. I had no positive examples to help me. Until Meredith. It still baffles my mind that she had overlapping and complementary kinks.
Tying back to the beginning with Claire, the idea of tying her up didn’t really hit any of my CET’s. A very little bit humiliating, but there would be no other humiliation added to the mix. A little control, but the sex would end up being very normal except for the ropes. Now I can understand why the idea didn’t really excite me. I need to better explain and pursue my CET’s.