Taking a Week Off

Last night I was considering what I want to do with my week off. Honestly what came to mind was a week of wild sex. When stressed or excited that is what calms me. I’m not a sky diver or motor cycle rider or mountain climber or anything like that. My thrills are all sex related. 

Then I thought, well that sucks, I can’t do that with my wife. Ouch. Honestly a week of sex with my wife would NEVER work. A day-cation of sex wouldn’t work. She’s just not into it. We would have 15 minutes and then the rest of the day to do other things. 

Then I thought of Meredith. My dream would be more than possible. In fact she would go to great lengths to make sure we had the right equipment, space, replenishing foods on hand, and child care arrangements for it to be a great week. She would tease me with little hints of things we should try, and generally get me so wound up it would be magical. No holding back. 

Well that’s frustrating for sure. Another dream down the drain. 

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Taking Control of My Life

For 15 years I’ve been working at the same company. For 19 years I’ve been with the same woman. Predictable. Stable. That has been my life. 

At the end of this month I’m changing companies. I’ll be moving to one that pays more, and has a more dynamic and exciting culture. I’m really looking forward to it. Though it has been a stressful transition. 

This is the first big change I plan on making over the next year or so. I’m taking control of my life. I’m going to live it my way. For too long it’s been for the company and for my wife. Now I need to take care of my needs. Starting with this employment change. 

My marriage is in need of a serious tune up, and if you’ve read recent posts you’ll know that Meredith is still part of my future plans even if she doesn’t see me in hers. 

I will have a week off before the new job starts. I plan on heading down to her city, and spending some time becoming familiar with her world. If I run across her car I plan on leaving a symbol for her to think about. To know I’m still here. Like a red string. It was something we talked about, and I’m sure she would get it. 

Of course, I question the sanity of that idea. It’s probably not what she needs or wants right now. But I do want her to know she is still loved by me. If she has made amends with her husband that probably requires full disclosure of all contact with me. Which means she would probably tell him. That could get me in a world of hurt. 

Then there is the very remote possibility of actually running into her. I’m not sure what I would do then. I mean why am I anywhere near her? I don’t live down there. I would have to tell her how I feel. 

I’m also unblocking her from everything. She never blocked me anyway. She simply stopped all contact. 

Either way this is my life, and I’m taking control. Changing things up. Taking chances. Moving toward a future that works for me. Will Meredith also be able to make big changes? That’s up to her. 

Part of what’s driving this is that I’ve realized my wife and I have no sexual chemistry. Can you imagine? 19 years together with no sexual chemistry! What the F is wrong with me? Why did I wait so long to figure this out? It’s just one of several things wrong with my marriage, but a really important one for a romantic relationship. 

Doesn’t matter. I can’t change the past. I can only look to the future. The future for me will be full of changes. I can do big things. I can make big changes. Starting this week. 

A New Future

In some ways I suppose I was holding on to a specific future vision with Meredith. One that involved both of us splitting from our spouses in relatively short time frame and being together. I thought I had moved past that idea, but this recent news of her pregnancy clearly shows that it was still operating as a core idea in the deep recesses of my mid. 

It was alway an unlikely idea, but never impossible. We had talked many times about her desire to have many children and how we would get there. 2018 was going to be our year. Guess that’s out the window. She wanted to keep spacing with her current child close. I understand. But there was a lot of work to get there. 

Meredith being pregnant was not an accident. I know this now. Preventative measures would’ve had to be stopped. Clearly there was forethought. This was a planned event. Not that it makes any difference to me. Except in how it makes me feel. She has moved on and accepted her life as it was. As it will be. I’m sure her husband made changes, but they could not have been that drastic. He’s too thick headed. My heart breaks for her. 

I know that all of these thoughts, ideas, and reactions are terribly mean to my wife. I know this. Over the last half a year we have been slowly working on our marriage, but frankly I’m not feeling any closer to her. Very, very small things have improved a little. The kids keep us moving forward. Although now it is time for us to talk about having another. I’m not ready for that. I think it would be a mistake. 

I do love my wife. She’s wonderful. We have a very good working relationship. We have almost no romantic relationship. We would be great friends or coworkers. I’m not sure I can build a lasting marriage off of that. 

Frankly I think the possibility of me cheating was always part of our future. Now that I can clearly see our romantic life has never been good. I was always trying to find more without knowing what I was looking for. It makes me sad to think that, but also makes me think that it is best if we figure out how to dissolve our marriage. I’m not right for her. I will hurt her again. 

Something that keeps me going is my own father. My mom left him when I was young. They were not right for each other. He ended up marrying another woman many years later who was there for all of my formative years. She was truly awful. Eventually after 20 years my dad left her. Finally. 

What happened next inspires me. He found the love of his life. A woman who was always in the picture. Who I had known since a young age. They worked together forever, but each was married when the other wasn’t. Until about 8 years ago. Now they are each others 3rd spouse, and my dad is clearly the happiest I have ever seen him. Nearly 60 and he finally found the one. 

Maybe Meredith and I are slated for that kind of a future. Someday, far down the road we will each be at a point in our lives when we can finally be together. Not now. For now we must wait. Raise our families. Hope for a brighter future. 

She was Perfect

There are things about Meredith that I don’t think anyone else will ever know about her. Deep things. Things that require you to really understand the intricacies of how she ticks. Things only I know. I love those things. 

I love the things about her everyone knows. Her public persona. I love the things only close friends would know. I love the things only her mother or husband would know. But most of all I love the things that only I will ever know. Her husband will never know; her mother will never know; her sisters, children and friends will never know. Only me. 

She is beautiful and wonderful. The varied sides of her inner and outer personalities complementing each other well. There was a depth and a lightness. I want it all. 

Frankly I don’t think there is another woman like her out there. Certainly not one I could find. She was more than one in a million. She defied odds. There were no odds. There was just one. Meredith. She was mine ever so briefly and changed my life forever. 

You can call it whatever you like, but this beautiful woman will be on my mind for a lifetime. I will never forget her. I will never stop imagining myself with her. Maybe she isn’t perfect, but she was perfect for me. 

Shock

I just heard the news from a friend who is still in contact with Meredith. She’s pregnant. I should be able to handle that news. We are not together. We have been out of communication for more than six months. 

The news hit me like a ton of bricks. My friend brought it up at lunch casually like everyone already knew. I feigned that it didn’t impact me, but it was all acting. She probably saw through me. 

It’s not that I meant for it to affect me. It was a physiological response. My stomach turned into a knot as if I were about to go bungee jumping. Then I became quite weak. My legs were shaky. It was hard to walk back. I guess what I’m trying to say is that the news was not just a pity party in my head, it was a gut level reaction in my body. 

She’s pregnant. With him! My god. I just can’t imagine. I don’t know what to think. Obviously my body is telling me this is bad. No matter what I tell myself I guess I’m not over this woman. How could I be? She was the greatest experience of my life. 

Maybe we were only meant to have a fling. We got too close. We should have focused just on the sex, enjoyed that connection, and moved on. We went too far emotionally. I fell deeply in love with her. 

Is it possible she’s moved on and I’m the only one stuck? No. That really can’t be it. Well it could be, but it seems unlikely. My friend was also wondering if maybe this pregnancy was a mistake. She said Meredith is still pretty unhappy in life and with her husband. Yet she’s having another baby with him? 

I should be happy for her. She wanted another baby. Lots of babies actually. But not with him. Yet she can put herself into those children. Maybe that will be enough for her. Maybe she really wanted another with him. Maybe they have reconciled. Maybe she just felt the clock ticking and made an executive decision to have more babies with him anyway. I don’t know. I probably don’t want to know. 

The last thing Meredith discussed with me before hanging up for the last time was the prospect of her getting pregnant. If that happened then there was a finality to us. She had decided to throw her life in fully with H. Well it happened. Man I’m still in shock over this. I can’t believe it really. She is not good with him. Now that thread bare promise is even gone. 

My friend also mentioned that she would probably not go back to work after the 2nd kid. Another shock. Meredith found worth in her work. She was scared to death of staying home as a full time mom. Now this is going to be her new life? What is going on? 

Yet there is still a part of me that says this doesn’t change anything. We may still have a future together when the kids are older. You never know. 

Ongoing Affair

Yesterday I spent thinking a lot about Meredith. She added a lot to my life. I added a lot to hers. One thing I was thinking about was what it would look like if we were able to continue our affair. 

Maybe it wouldn’t be an affair though. Maybe it would be more of an arrangement. Meredith isn’t happy in her marriage because something big is missing. I’m the same in my marriage. Would it be possible to stay married and keep our families together yet meet up periodically to physically and mentally enjoy each other? 

On one hand it would be nice. I would be quite happy with that. It would cheer up Meredith as well. Could our spouses understand that we still love them and our families yet we need this outlet with each other? Would they at least enjoy that we feel whole and happy? Likely not. 

On the other hand it really wouldn’t be enough. What we want from a relationship together is so much more encompassing. An all the time type of d/s relarionship. Those would be difficult to satisfy with periodic meetips. 

In the end the whole thing is just a fantasy. Back to the same place. Deal with my marriage first. 

Dyed Hair, Tattoos, and Piercings, part 2

Just a quick update here because I couldn’t believe this just happened. If you read my previous post you know how I feel about the above items. 

Today while I was at the gas station a car pulled up on the other side of the pump with a beautiful woman driving. She was probably 10 years my junior, but she was really beautiful so I let my eyes wander. She was wearing a simple t shirt a little loosely and her hair was done up in a high bun. The kind I really like that Meredith would do on a whim and my wife won’t do when I specifically ask her to. 

Then this woman steps out of the car and the first thing I notice is a shock of blue hair mixed up in the bun. I start to smile. She then heads off to the mini-mart attached to the gas station. As she walks away I first notice that she has nice tan legs with cute short shorts and low top converse. She’s very beautiful, and smartly if not casually dressed. But upon closer inspection I see a tattoo on her ankle running up to her calf on the inside of her left leg. Now I’m really smiling. 

When she returns from the mini-mart she walks within a few feet of me. I smile, she smiles back, and that’s when I see the nose ring. No shit! This cute little “girl next door” just hit all three of the items I mentioned in my previous post. I was smiling the whole way home thinking about her, and even now.