Archiving a Relationship

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  • We met for the first time in December 2011.
  • We started becoming friends October 2015.
  • We discovered our mutual secret desires accidentally December 2015.
  • Our first kiss, and our first kinky interactions that crossed the line happened in January 2016.
  • We had sex for the first time in February 2016.
  • We had sex for the last time in May 2016.
  • We had physical contact for the last time in July 2016.
  • We had our last friendly discussions in December 2016.
  • Our last phone call in April 2017.
  • Last email exchange in October 2017.

*****

I feel a certain disconnect. My relationship with Meredith is never going to happen. It was never going to happen. Too many lives would have been shredded. It is only a fantasy of the type that requires us to both be younger and single.

I have all these shards from our relationship all over. In email, voicemail, Evernote, journals. I need to archive it. Put it all in one locked down box so I can move on. If I need I can go look in the box, but no longer will I randomly run across reminders of her anymore.

This is the process I’m going through right now. Packing it all away. Things are too scattered for me to remember what is and is not hidden and from whom. Time to just move it all into one spot and then open my life back up. My life has held a secret for two years now and I need to let it go.

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Magnets of Attraction

One thing I’ve found difficult the past several months is explaining how I feel about the relationship with Meredith and what I learned from it. Inside I can feel an enormous change, and I know I need to better define what that is to my wife. In our discussions it’s been very difficult to explain. She doesn’t understand. When we met with the counselor it was a little better, but even then I could tell there were huge areas I wasn’t clearly describing.

Describing complex feeling, desires, passions, and kinks was never my strong suit. I’ve never had to describe them before. They were just there. I knew them. I understood them. Now it feels like I’m trying to translate a book from a language I barely know.

When I was with Meredith we did discuss these feelings a lot. Too much actually. We are on such a similar wave length that it was easy. I could use my own language and she understood and vice versa. When I tried to explain things to my wife Meredith was always really good at helping me turn my thoughts into words. Meredith’s world is feelings, and she is very adept at unpacking them verbally. I thought perhaps I had learned from her or maybe I wasn’t that bad at it. Without her around now, though, it is clearly a struggle.

Everyday I think about this. How to describe what I’m feeling to my wife. They are the constant private conversations in my head. Yet I’m never able to voice them to her. It always comes out wrong or even when I nail it she still doesn’t understand. It’s very difficult.

One analogy I thought of this weekend I will share with you. When discussing desires with Meredith or my wife the conversations are usually small and numerous. Over time we have thousands of conversations or interactions in and around the arena of our desire for each other. It is how we learn about each other, and what we find exciting.

I picture each of us as magnets where one side repels and one side attracts. Each little part of a conversation either slightly repels or slightly attracts. As you travel through time you would bounce around between the two but generally fall into a groove or direction.

With my wife we settled into a pattern where I could never get too close. We keep bouncing around on the desire conversation with me fairly in the middle. I will ask for something or we will try something new and I’ll feel the attraction move up. Then she will tell me it wasn’t for her or in general show dissatisfaction and it will move back down. We have been in that dance for years. I kept hanging on to those moments of increase thinking they would keep building into greater and greater attraction thereby meeting my desires. But they never did.

With Meredith it was very different. We were both EXTREMELY hesitant to have any conversations about desire. I mean we were both married, wanted only to be friends, and had kinks that we were ashamed of. The conversations were slow and cautious. But they kept moving toward attraction. Each tiny little step forward never had a repellent aspect to pull us back toward the middle. Up, up, up we went! Had we both been single we would’ve been having mind blowing sex daily with lots of experimentation and a really wonderful cerebral relationship as well.

How then do I explain this magnet theory to my wife and possibly counselor. The gist is that there is no one single conversation that will change our sex life. There are millions of little daily interactions, and we don’t seem to connect in that space. Overall my wife does not desire what I desire and will constantly pull me up and then push me back down. Keeping me square in the middle.

Earlier I spoke of the shame of our kinky desires. It’s very true. Meredith and I both had that and eventually talked about it quite a bit. Our spouses sure didn’t help us to feel normal. In fact they indirectly fed the shame with their pureness, frequently rejecting the things we felt the most shame over. They don’t understand what that does to us.

Why then, you ask, did you both stayed married for so long to someone who made you feel that way? Well that is a very difficult question to answer and one in which hindsight provides a much clearer picture. The short answer is that we didn’t know. We both felt very insecure and ashamed for our desires. We found a partner who embodied all the things we felt a good person should be. They did not have our shameful desires, and that was what we felt we needed. Clearly we were outcasts for feeling the way we did, and we needed to suppress our desires and be more like our spouses.

It must be similar to being bisexual, and feeling ashamed of it. You find normal straight people very attractive so you just hide this other part of yourself. Society makes it very clear that it is undesirable behavior.

Then one day something happens which changes you forever. Perhaps you have an experience with a same sex partner. Or a long discussion with another bisexual friend and you realize that you don’t need to be ashamed. You can live your life. You can be you. Except you formed a life around the old you.

That is where it feels that I am. My life is formed and now I have uncovered this truth about me that changes everything I thought about relationships.

House Fires and Lost Relationships

I had an analogy hit me yesterday. When you lose a relationship in which you were highly invested it is much like losing your house to a fire. I suppose this is probably true for single people who are dumped as well as those of us in affairs that end.

As much as you would like to go back to the way things were – back to the house with all your belongings and history – it will never happen. The house is gone. The relationship is gone. All the elements and details of that relationship are now just memories. But you still think of what you lost and it breaks your heart.

You will eventually move into a new house, or fix up an old one you had, but as much as you try to replace what was lost it will never be the same. The longer you were in the house, and the depth of memories lost, will certainly impact the length of time spent grieving.

There will be memories you will look back on many years down the road, and continue to be upset over the loss. With time, however, most of the pain will disappear.

I think this is the same with close relationships that are lost. Even if you know you need to let go you still long for the memories. You still long for those elements of a relationship you will never experience again.

Discussing the Affair

It seems I may have forgotten to mention this previously. The week before I started my new job I was wracked with guilt and a host of other emotions. It was a time of reflection.

In the end I sat down and discussed the affair with my wife. I told her of the emotional affair I had with Meredith and what it meant to me. We talked about it for a while. Acknowledging the affair was the main reason we had counseling together that week.

Since then we’ve discussed it a few times, and I’ve asked her to let me know of any questions she has. Mostly she wanted to know what I got out of that relationship. What I was not getting from her. It was nothing earth shattering as we have discussed most of the issues before.

All of that led to the counseling session where we acknowledged the affair, but then didn’t discuss it at all. Instead we discussed our relationship, and what we want it to be going forward. Both of us. The great thing about the counseling was having an intermediary to help us navigate some very difficult discussions without my wife getting upset.

So to all the readers who feel I never told my wife – I did. But it was massively overshadowed by the conversations we had after that, and I must have forgotten to post anything about revealing the affair. Also I had a lot of other change going on in my life at that time.

Incremental Improvement

An affair is never a good thing. It’s a weakness in one partner, and a sign of trouble in a marriage. However, it seems to have been a spark to my marriage.

The last two weeks have been different. Not revolutionary, but our marriage has changed. The affair has given us both the freedom to discuss what we want with full knowledge that where we were didn’t work. We have to throw out who we were and build up who we want to be.

My wife has taken on the submissive role in the bedroom quite well. We have had more frequent sex than I can ever remember. Intense sex too. Old forbidden rules no longer apply. It’s been good for both of us. She really seems to enjoy it.

She has started to learn how to ask for sex from a submissive rather than dominant angle, and she can see now how well that works. I don’t think she believed me for a long time when I tried to explain to her that the problem we had in the past was how she asks for sex. She didn’t believe there was a submissive way to do so, and she would always be very aggressive about it. The last two weeks she has been very submissive when asking, and she’s been well rewarded. In fact it’s almost impossible for me to say No. Seriously, it short-circuits my brain!

There is still a lot missing for me sexually, but it is clearly much better. I would still like her to learn more about submission, what it means to her, and talk with me about it. I would still like to be more into the pain aspects than we are. Perhaps with time. We are making progress.

In fact we are making so much progress so fast we actually have to take a break to let things heal. He he.

On the friendship side things have improved as well. She is less confrontational with me, and less argumentative. I believe it is an outpouring of the submissive side of her coming out. It is really nice. I would say it’s only about a 20% change, but it is noticeable. She talks to me slightly differently, and stops to try to understand me and what I’m saying before getting angry. Honestly a DS relationship is more than just sex. These elements play together throughout the day in many ways. I’m hopeful that this new mindset and new relationship will improve in multiple areas.

No revolutionary changes but I certainly feel better about things than I have in a long time.

Moving On

I started a new job recently. It’s been a really good transition, but also stressful. There is a lot to learn, and a lot of responsibility that I never had before. Definitely looking forward to it. The lack of responsibility in my last job was one of the main reasons to leave it!

The new job has far fewer reminders of Meredith. In fact no one at the new place knows me at all. A fresh start. They also don’t know Meredith. That doesn’t mean I don’t still think about her everyday, but the frequency has lessened. It’s maybe down to a dozen points in the day. Generally when there is down time. Like right now.

My wife and I are working on the things her counselor suggested. We are reading a novel together at night, and I sent her a wordpress blog to read. I think the two of those should help give her some context which is our goal now. To give my wife context, and help her see what this could look like so that she may make an informed decision. Of course they are both based on healthy BDSM lifestyles.

How is it going? Well, actually. This weekend, even though we had family in town, we had some mind blowing sex. Twice. She was very submissive, and she had a great time. The best part though is that we sort of talked about it later. There was more openness about what we both enjoyed it did not. We never talk about sex, but this time we did.

Plus the book we are reading is quite graphic. It gets us both pretty turned on. But it also opens us up to talk about those same explicit concepts together.

Overall I wouldn’t say it’s all better. There are still some major concepts that I can still only ever see happening with Meredith, but it is better. The way I think about it is that we are both trying this on as a new marriage together. Being open about what we want together. If it works then we will get there. If it doesn’t then at least we gave it our all, and she knows what is driving me. We must be more open and communicative.

Oh, another side note. When we get a lot of family around she’s often quite loud and domineering in the conversation and jumps ahead and ruins my stories. It drives me batty! Meredith NEVER did that because she was in my head and knew what I was doing. Anyway, this weekend I snapped a couple words at her from a much more confident dominant perspective, and she realized what she was doing and stopped. She didn’t get mad about it like in times past! We may be getting somewhere. Next step – those outbursts lead to spankings 🙂

A New Sex Life

Something has changed in my Wife. It’s having a positive impact on our relationship. She claims she’s always been this way, and that I made her feel she couldn’t be sexual. Huh?

Tonight she willingly did several major sexual things that she would never have done before. It’s not that I haven’t asked for them, either.

For one, we had sex in our car. Yes it was in the garage, but still, we’ve had cars for years and not had sex in them. I’ve always wanted to! I’ve let her know that over the years, but she clearly does not hear what I’m saying. Afterward I told her that was something I’ve wanted to do for years, and she was surprised and wanted to know other fantasies. I was stuck on how she could not know.

Then she finished me with a blowjob. It’s like the third time that’s happened in the past month. Actually the third time it’s happened in the last 19 years! I have literally been asking her for that since our first year dating. It’s been one of my all time highest desires, and she turned me down for nearly 20 years. I’ve written about that before – and about Meredith’s response. But all of a sudden it’s something she does and likes it??? Don’t get me wrong, I love it. It feels so good. It’s actually better than I imagined. But how can you make such a drastic change so suddenly?

The last one I won’t tell you about, but trust me, she’s told me point blank years ago that she hates to do it. Yet she did it. And she was turned on the whole time.

All of this is so sudden it’s hard for me to comprehend. Meredith was actively pushing me to do all these things with her repeatedly, and much more. But with my wife it’s been a constant struggle. Now within the last month she wants all of it.

I can tell she’s still not sure of herself in how to act, but she is thrilled with how our sex life is right now. Or she claims she is. I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like she’s just doing this to save her marriage.

One thing I noticed with Meredith that I’m also noticing now is that having this kind of sexual relationship makes me ultra confident through the day. It’s like my testosterone shoots up. I feel like a man. Like THE man. Clearly this works for me.