I had an analogy hit me yesterday. When you lose a relationship in which you were highly invested it is much like losing your house to a fire. I suppose this is probably true for single people who are dumped as well as those of us in affairs that end.
As much as you would like to go back to the way things were – back to the house with all your belongings and history – it will never happen. The house is gone. The relationship is gone. All the elements and details of that relationship are now just memories. But you still think of what you lost and it breaks your heart.
You will eventually move into a new house, or fix up an old one you had, but as much as you try to replace what was lost it will never be the same. The longer you were in the house, and the depth of memories lost, will certainly impact the length of time spent grieving.
There will be memories you will look back on many years down the road, and continue to be upset over the loss. With time, however, most of the pain will disappear.
I think this is the same with close relationships that are lost. Even if you know you need to let go you still long for the memories. You still long for those elements of a relationship you will never experience again.
It seems I may have forgotten to mention this previously. The week before I started my new job I was wracked with guilt and a host of other emotions. It was a time of reflection.
In the end I sat down and discussed the affair with my wife. I told her of the emotional affair I had with Meredith and what it meant to me. We talked about it for a while. Acknowledging the affair was the main reason we had counseling together that week.
Since then we’ve discussed it a few times, and I’ve asked her to let me know of any questions she has. Mostly she wanted to know what I got out of that relationship. What I was not getting from her. It was nothing earth shattering as we have discussed most of the issues before.
All of that led to the counseling session where we acknowledged the affair, but then didn’t discuss it at all. Instead we discussed our relationship, and what we want it to be going forward. Both of us. The great thing about the counseling was having an intermediary to help us navigate some very difficult discussions without my wife getting upset.
So to all the readers who feel I never told my wife – I did. But it was massively overshadowed by the conversations we had after that, and I must have forgotten to post anything about revealing the affair. Also I had a lot of other change going on in my life at that time.
An affair is never a good thing. It’s a weakness in one partner, and a sign of trouble in a marriage. However, it seems to have been a spark to my marriage.
The last two weeks have been different. Not revolutionary, but our marriage has changed. The affair has given us both the freedom to discuss what we want with full knowledge that where we were didn’t work. We have to throw out who we were and build up who we want to be.
My wife has taken on the submissive role in the bedroom quite well. We have had more frequent sex than I can ever remember. Intense sex too. Old forbidden rules no longer apply. It’s been good for both of us. She really seems to enjoy it.
She has started to learn how to ask for sex from a submissive rather than dominant angle, and she can see now how well that works. I don’t think she believed me for a long time when I tried to explain to her that the problem we had in the past was how she asks for sex. She didn’t believe there was a submissive way to do so, and she would always be very aggressive about it. The last two weeks she has been very submissive when asking, and she’s been well rewarded. In fact it’s almost impossible for me to say No. Seriously, it short-circuits my brain!
There is still a lot missing for me sexually, but it is clearly much better. I would still like her to learn more about submission, what it means to her, and talk with me about it. I would still like to be more into the pain aspects than we are. Perhaps with time. We are making progress.
In fact we are making so much progress so fast we actually have to take a break to let things heal. He he.
On the friendship side things have improved as well. She is less confrontational with me, and less argumentative. I believe it is an outpouring of the submissive side of her coming out. It is really nice. I would say it’s only about a 20% change, but it is noticeable. She talks to me slightly differently, and stops to try to understand me and what I’m saying before getting angry. Honestly a DS relationship is more than just sex. These elements play together throughout the day in many ways. I’m hopeful that this new mindset and new relationship will improve in multiple areas.
No revolutionary changes but I certainly feel better about things than I have in a long time.
I started a new job recently. It’s been a really good transition, but also stressful. There is a lot to learn, and a lot of responsibility that I never had before. Definitely looking forward to it. The lack of responsibility in my last job was one of the main reasons to leave it!
The new job has far fewer reminders of Meredith. In fact no one at the new place knows me at all. A fresh start. They also don’t know Meredith. That doesn’t mean I don’t still think about her everyday, but the frequency has lessened. It’s maybe down to a dozen points in the day. Generally when there is down time. Like right now.
My wife and I are working on the things her counselor suggested. We are reading a novel together at night, and I sent her a wordpress blog to read. I think the two of those should help give her some context which is our goal now. To give my wife context, and help her see what this could look like so that she may make an informed decision. Of course they are both based on healthy BDSM lifestyles.
How is it going? Well, actually. This weekend, even though we had family in town, we had some mind blowing sex. Twice. She was very submissive, and she had a great time. The best part though is that we sort of talked about it later. There was more openness about what we both enjoyed it did not. We never talk about sex, but this time we did.
Plus the book we are reading is quite graphic. It gets us both pretty turned on. But it also opens us up to talk about those same explicit concepts together.
Overall I wouldn’t say it’s all better. There are still some major concepts that I can still only ever see happening with Meredith, but it is better. The way I think about it is that we are both trying this on as a new marriage together. Being open about what we want together. If it works then we will get there. If it doesn’t then at least we gave it our all, and she knows what is driving me. We must be more open and communicative.
Oh, another side note. When we get a lot of family around she’s often quite loud and domineering in the conversation and jumps ahead and ruins my stories. It drives me batty! Meredith NEVER did that because she was in my head and knew what I was doing. Anyway, this weekend I snapped a couple words at her from a much more confident dominant perspective, and she realized what she was doing and stopped. She didn’t get mad about it like in times past! We may be getting somewhere. Next step – those outbursts lead to spankings 🙂
Something has changed in my Wife. It’s having a positive impact on our relationship. She claims she’s always been this way, and that I made her feel she couldn’t be sexual. Huh?
Tonight she willingly did several major sexual things that she would never have done before. It’s not that I haven’t asked for them, either.
For one, we had sex in our car. Yes it was in the garage, but still, we’ve had cars for years and not had sex in them. I’ve always wanted to! I’ve let her know that over the years, but she clearly does not hear what I’m saying. Afterward I told her that was something I’ve wanted to do for years, and she was surprised and wanted to know other fantasies. I was stuck on how she could not know.
Then she finished me with a blowjob. It’s like the third time that’s happened in the past month. Actually the third time it’s happened in the last 19 years! I have literally been asking her for that since our first year dating. It’s been one of my all time highest desires, and she turned me down for nearly 20 years. I’ve written about that before – and about Meredith’s response. But all of a sudden it’s something she does and likes it??? Don’t get me wrong, I love it. It feels so good. It’s actually better than I imagined. But how can you make such a drastic change so suddenly?
The last one I won’t tell you about, but trust me, she’s told me point blank years ago that she hates to do it. Yet she did it. And she was turned on the whole time.
All of this is so sudden it’s hard for me to comprehend. Meredith was actively pushing me to do all these things with her repeatedly, and much more. But with my wife it’s been a constant struggle. Now within the last month she wants all of it.
I can tell she’s still not sure of herself in how to act, but she is thrilled with how our sex life is right now. Or she claims she is. I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like she’s just doing this to save her marriage.
One thing I noticed with Meredith that I’m also noticing now is that having this kind of sexual relationship makes me ultra confident through the day. It’s like my testosterone shoots up. I feel like a man. Like THE man. Clearly this works for me.
This one was a two parter. First was about Meredith and I not talking to each other but running into each other frequently. At one point we were at a party and she was there with her husband. As she was leaving she walked right past me. Not a look. Not a word. Heart breaking.
Then it all shifted. We were both going back to school. Suddenly she said “Hi”. It was like nothing had changed. We were friends again she said she needed this to work. We would take it easy. Be friends. There was nothing sexual absout it. Just love and appreciation. We talked. It was nice. Heartwarming. For the first time in awhile that heartbreak I have was gone. Even waking up I felt better just from our dream conversation.
There was also a funny part where a bunch of people from our old place of work ran into us and started asking her about her sunglasses. Apparently she had just been in Europe where these amazing sunglasses were all the rage. They made her show them her sunglasses and she kind of posed against a wall with them. First holding the stem in her teeth with her lush lips over them. Then up on her head and she just looked radiant. I of course knew nothing about these sunglasses but loved the attention she was getting.
That was the end.
A reader shared this in a comment, and I think it hit spot on what I feel Meredith is doing with her life. She is Ostriching. Sticking her head in the sand, and pretending everything is ok. Nothing has dramatically changed about her life, but she has decided it’s as good as it is going to be so she should just give up on happiness.
This really fits with her personality actually, and we talked about it in different terms off and on over the last two years. She lives for harmony. She gives of herself to make sure others are happy and content. She knows that she can just give herself to her children and marriage and not be concerned with the parts that don’t work for her. As long as everyone else is happy then she can convince herself that she is happy.
Those things that we shared, sexual, intellectual, and understanding, can be set aside. She has convinced herself they are not necessary to her life anymore. Full steam ahead with the life she has. Give up on the life she wants.
In fact she said to me many times when she was trying to do things for herself that she could not have done them without me. It was too hard. She could not have told her husband about her needs without me there to support her. She could not have taken the initiative win applying for top level jobs without me showing her how valuable she is. Without me it would have been too much. She would have had to disrupt the harmony of her life and relationships. She admitted she will do almost anything to keep the harmony.
Her own husband did not think her worth what she was trying for, as he saw himself as the only one needing to work. Almost as if it was cute that she saw herself as smart enough to work for the companies we were trying to get her into. He was zero help and support. It took a lot out of him for her to go through with it, and without me pushing her and showing her she could do it then she would have quit. Because she had no other support. Her role was to make everyone else happy.
Now she has codified that life.